New Morning, A New Day

Tonight's session was okay. At first, it was figuring out insurance information. There was a mix-up with the claim. She was having a really hard time figuring out the relation of who I was back then (5+ years ago) and who I am now and how I'm the same person. I'm making rational, logical thoughts; actually thinking things through before acting on them. Then again, I've nearly always been like this, which is why I never got into fights in school. It seems as though she was a bit confused with it. She touched on the cutting again (when she was trying to figure out how my current self was that self) and asked me what I'd do if Belladonna was doing it. I broke it down for her. I'd tell her of my experience with it, ask her what the catalyst(s) are and actively listen to every word she'd say. These are all things my mother didn't do. We also touched on violence growing up and how it's "acted upon" in our home (when it comes to disciplin...

It went okay, like the others have. Talked a little bit about the move later this year (how much it's going to cost us), whether or not my mother-in-law and her boyfriend will be coming out with us [to Colorado], as well as my mother. I honestlly don't know how it came up, but it did. I told her about what happened at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding; the wedding as a whole didn't turn out at all how I wanted. I was more disappointed with the "big" wedding than I would have been with a smaller one; only 20 people showed up. My mother paid for over 100 or so. I kept hoping that page after page of my guest book would be filled, but that didn't happen. I told her when it "started" and why; how it was when I was a teenager. I could feel her disappointment in me, the older I got. Whatever, Mom.

This evening's session went okay. She asked about my dad (adoptive, not biological [I've called him Dad since before I could sit up]) and the verbal abuse from when I was a teengager (you'll never amount to anything, you're stupid, blah blah, etc.). Brought out low self-esteem and self-confidence. I told her that it changed pretty much when I met my husband. He told me everything I needed to hear. Since then, I've lost weight, had a reverse boob job and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I thought I was doing good when I was a part of RHPS as "Thunder Jugs" and that Tam was outside of the show; I realized much later that TJ and Tam were one and the same. Then conversation just turned casual, really. I told her that I'm stressed about the move, how we're going to do it with the budget we have. Talked about the studio we want to do out of our home (for now) and where our refund is gonna go. This part didn't seem at all like a session;...

She started off wanting to talk about my cutting; when/why it started, when was I at my worst. I talked about my mother a little; she asked about my family already diagnosed and on medication. She asked how things are with my husband, if we're intimate and how we met. I mentioned my wedding and my friends wedding (just over a year later), and how her wedding was what I had wanted (people attending, etc.). Everything. It's still a bit a sore spot, so as happy as it was for them (and for us when we got married), I don't like to talk about it much.. I wanted something small (because I just knew there wouldn't be a lot of people there), but in my dreams I wanted a big one. It doesn't seem like much and I don't mind talking about it. Time just goes by so quickly in there.