New Morning, A New Day

I should have called my sister after having that dream.  I'm not really sure why I didn't. I think of her often, how she and my nephew are doing.  She's made nearly a 180 since she had her son.  She started smoking long before I did (she's younger than me), was a heavy drinker, and experimented with drugs.  When she found out she was pregnant, she quit smoking cold turkey, didn't drink, and obviously no drugs.  She was in the Navy at that point and hadn't done any for some time. I smoke, rarely drink, and did my own fair share of experimenting.  I smoked during my pregnancy, but not a lot; my daughter is perfectly healthy.  My sister now turns her nose up at smokers, though not as badly as my mother.  They both seem like hypocrites to me now. Another thing that bothers me is that she's still viewed as the "golden child."  She had good grades all through school; I didn't.  She graduated high school early and joined the Navy; I gradu...

The dream I had about my sister also had some of my "sleuthy" friends, too.  I have no idea what it means. I remember helping to keep away a friend of mine (her kids were in the dream, too; we'll call her A.R.) away from someone who was trying to hurt her, assault her.  I don't recall kicking anyone's ass, but I know I did my very best to protect them.  When I thought they were safe, I left for another place. I was walking along a sidewalk with someone when I ran into my sister.  She looked a wreck and really upset.  Just as she began speaking, a male voice said to me (I know I was with a guy, I just can't place the voice or face), "Hey, it's your sister, A----." I was upset with him for talking while she was trying to talk.  I looked him in the eye (still can't tell you what he looks like) and said, "I know it's my sister rape."  And that's when it hits me (in the dream); my sister's been sexually assaulted this time...

I haven't touched any time sheets at work in over a week.  All I've done at work is filing paid invoices and done research on getting licensed or renewing licenses in the lower 48 states.  No payroll, which I was hired on to do. I feel as though I'm now just wasting space and I should just stay home instead of spend the day here, doing what I would normally be doing at home -- sitting on my ass doing NOTHING. I've done all that I can with the states that I can.  There is no way to progress further.  I've been staring at the same Secretary of State web pages for the last week, knowing that there's nothing else I can do.  Forms and packets have been filled out to the best of my ability; these are currently with my supervisor so she can fill in the blanks.  For one state in particular, the utility manager needs to take a safety course that uses OSHA material.  For another, I have to wait for my supervisor to email a letter (on company letterhead) to the...

I dunno.  There's just something about my black Converse shoes.  I normally don't tie the laces; my ankle hurts after awhile with that.  When they're loose, they feel amazing.  I would wear these shoes with skirts and dresses, if I owned any of those clothing items.  They are one of the few pairs of shoes I own where my feet don't seem as big as they really are. I love them, my black Converse shoes.

Any drama that ensued yesterday has died down and problems have been solved.  I'm glad to still have my friends.  It seems the bond has become stronger.  Eventually, I won't have the fear of posting what I'm thinking; I doubt it will take too long.  They are trustworthy women.

Have you ever tried to play Switzerland in a disagreement among friends only for it to blow up in your face?  It sucks.  Your loyalties are questioned, as is your ability to be trusted.  I've learned from past experiences that I'd rather be diplomatic and try to solve the problem. Hell, even as I write this blog entry, I can't help but think these neutral words will be held against me.  I want to vent about the whole situation, but I'm not going to.  I'll find other ways to vent. I just hate seeing my friends (though I've only met one and spoken on the phone with at least three of them, asking for advice) disagree this way. I'm hoping things start settling by the end of the day.  This sort of thing takes a lot out of anyone participating.

So, in the last few work days, I haven't touched any kind of time sheet or payroll.  I'm beginning to wonder why.  At first, I was told it was because there were too many batches in the system [used for entering payroll].  I checked it when I came in this morning, hoping to input some of last weeks time sheets, but nothing. All I've done is look up what needs to be done to renew business contracts with other states as well as find and figure out or create usernames and passwords for states listed on an Excel spreadsheet.  This is not making me feel useful.. at all.  I'm just trying to figure out what is really going on in their heads. I applied for a GS4 position in Texarkana.  It's pretty much what the GS7 position was only 3 pay grades below.  The earnings for the GS4 per hour are higher than what I'm doing now and I'd be back in the government element (which is something I kind of miss).  Sometimes, but not often, I wonder about going back in...

So, yesterday on my way home from work, I was pulled over by a state trooper.  Apparently, I was speeding.  My speedometer read 70 (which is the speed limit); apparently my speedometer is off by nearly five miles (so when I think I'm going 70, it's closer to 75).  I received a warning and was told to get my car registered for Texas as well as get a Texas driver license.  I think I can get this done next week. Yesterday, we were given a bonus of $100.  I spent a portion of mine on a Dew fridgemate (splurge), milk, and Food Club ice cream (splurge).  I'd also ordered 3 pizzas and cheeses ticks from Pizza Hut (another splurge).  I still have almost $50 left; I put it in our special/emergencies hiding place.  I won't say where that place is, but let's just say the money will smell wonderful when/if we need it. I'm wondering if my co-workers think me dense.  Seriously.  I'm supposed to be entering time sheets all week (as they come in) as...

If my followers think of any, please post them in the comments. I know that loving someone enough to love them forever doesn't mean it's best to BE with them forever. Learn to appreciate the rainbow after cursing the rain, its just like loving again after experiencing the pain :) Behind every darkness, there's a shining light waiting for you to find it. Behind every best friend, there's always trust and love! :)

My mom shared/like/commented/whatever on this photo from my sister's Facebook page.  This is Asshole holding my nephew.. smiling.  He NEVER did this with my daughter.  Seeing this picture hurts.  A lot.  I want to punch this man in the face, breaking his nose, and causing his teeth to fall out.  I want to hurt him because of how much it hurts me. He was never smiling or happy when my daughter (who absolutely adores him for unknown reasons) was around.  I'm literally on the verge of tears.

Feeling really emotional and kinda weepy today.  I'm not even sure why.  At least two of my friends are pregnant (one is a surprise and the other was planned).  Last night, I had sympathy symptoms from BOTH of them; I'm trying to figure out which one is emotional today. I don't have any explanation.

Here I go again, I promised myself   I wouldn't think of you today It's been seven months and counting You've moved on I still feel exactly the same It's just the that everywhere I go   All the buildings know your name like Photographs and memories of love Steel and granite reminders The city calls your name and I can't move on Ever since you've been gone The lights go out the same The only difference is You call another name To your love To your lover now To your love The lover after me Am I all alone in the universe? There's no love on these streets I have given mine away to a world   That didn't want it anyway So this is my new freedom It's funny, but I don't remember being chained But nothing seems to make sense anymore Without you I'm always twenty minutes late Ever since you've been gone The lights go out the same The only difference is You call another name To your love To your lover now To your l...

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking When you fall everyone stands Another day and you've had your fill of sinking With the life held in your Hands are shaking cold These hands are meant to hold Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along Move along So a day when you've lost yourself completely Could be a night when your life ends Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving All the pain held in your Hands are shaking cold Your hands are mine to hold Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong Move along, move along like I know you do And even when your hope is gone Move along, move along just to make it through Move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong we move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on) When everything is wrong, we move along Along, along, along When all you got to keep is strong Move along, mo...

"One of the hardest things you'll ever have to do is stop loving someone because they've stopped loving you. Then, when you least expect it, you find someone that you love more and you want to spend the rest of you life with them. When you meet them, your past stays in the past." The first sentence was the only part of the shuffle; I added the last part.  Mostly because I didn't want my husband to feel like he's in a competition; he's not.  I'm just having issues with a certain person; I can't get them out of my head or off my brain.  A friend of mine mentioned that I need closure from that entire relationship/ordeal.  I'm just trying to figure out what exactly that closure is.  When I stop feeling excited or happy every time he messages me, I'll know I'm past it.

This is all from a conversation I've had with someone I mentioned in this blog awhile ago.  It seems surreal to me that we can talk so freely about the stuff we couldn't talk about ten years ago.  Then again, I was letting the conversation happen, so what does that say about me?  Why am I taking these deep breaths?  Why is my heart beating faster? I'm going to blame the coffee and an empty stomach.  Or maybe the too tight jeans that I shouldn't have worn.  That makes much more sense and I like that explanation much better.  There's nothing deep seeded here.  Nothing.  Why is it that he's always the one to message me first?  I still don't know how to interpret that. I should have started copying/pasting much earlier in the conversation.  The first part sounds bad.  We were talking about a time about 11 years ago when I'd hopped a Greyhound to see him in college for a week. I'm wondering if he was patronizing me (or just be...