I Miss It... maybe a symptom?
I know that I'm in no way ready for another one, as Bella is a big enough handfull, but I miss being pregnant. It was such a wonderful time in my life. I looked great, felt great (most of the time, anyway). I miss watching my belly grow with a baby in it. I miss feeling said baby moving around inside. There are at least five women I know of who are pregnant, and I think it's safe to say I'm kind of envious. I know those who read this may think, "Are you sure you don't want another one really soon?" The answer is yes. I don't want another baby until Bella can use the potty all by herself; I don't want two in diapers, if I can help it.
I say "symptom" in the title, because, well, I'm not feeling myself. I'm sure I've posted about it somewhere. I'll copy and paste.
Just needing a little help here deciphering some symptoms.. gradually building up over the last few weeks. You know how everyone has their mopey days and days of just feeling off? The last time I had it really bad was a few years ago (with hubby but before we got married); mild depressive state, I think. (runs in the family though.) Anyway, up until the last one or two, they could be signs of pregnancy. Unless I'm in that tiny percent, I know I'm not (though the last period was VERY light, lighter than normal).
I wonder if it’s depression or just what’s been going on the last few weeks (not just CM, but also the fires and whatnot). I made a list before leaving work yesterday…
-inability to focus at work
-frequent mood swings
-lack of sex drive
-feeling bored
-easily distracted
-just want to sleep/stay in bed all day
-sometimes feel like crying for no reason
-change in eating habits
-seemingly withdrawn and attempting to compensate (ie: inviting lots of people over)
-constant vertigo (the last few days)
Clarification, I'm in San Diego and we nearly had to evacuate from the fires. Didn't have to but we did anyway; we were very worried.
The stuff with CafeMom being all the hatred and religious debate from some of the Christians on the site to the Pagans, Atheists, Agnostics.. basically anyone who doesn't believe as they do. I've made posts of my own about it in my journal so I won't copy here. Just feeling very drained and exhausted no matter how much sleep I get (or how little). It's all the same. Yesterday I barely smiled and I smile a lot.
I've toyed with the idea of going to counseling and talking to someone but in my mind, this says, there really is something wrong with me. my sister has gone as well as my mother (who was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe depression). I really don't want it getting to that point.
Hmm.. okay. With the last period I had, I didn't even need to use a pad, liner or tampon, but I know I was on it. I get it the same week of every month (now) on Thursday or Friday; never a miss. Haven't taken a pregnancy test; kind of afraid to at this point. But, I'll wait until I don't see anything to be sure.
I will keep you posted as things arise. This vertigo sucks the most of all the symptoms. It doesn't happen when I drive though. I've tried eating something in the mornings and drinking more water again; still nothing. Oy. I've been taking caffeine pills some mornings; they didn't always do this though. Really, it's only been this week I've felt the vertigo.
Some days, I want to go and talk to a professional and get out all the issues I've got going on in my head. Other days, I don't because I've told my husband about them. He supports me in any decision I make. If I feel this is important to me [seeking pro help] then he'll support me in it.
I used to think it was post-partum, but Bella's nearly a year old; isn't it a little late for post-partum? There are many many instances when I'm driving and I'm only barely aware of what's going on. I'm not entirely focused on what I'm doing; half the time, Bella's in the car! I snap out of it in time for extreme traffic (lots of brake lights, etc.) but I'm afraid if the wrong people find out about that, things will go south, even when I try not to. A friend of mine wa exhibiting similar symptoms and a medical professional told her she had post-partum. This was several months ago and I felt for her; mostly, because I could definitely relate! What gets me is she's my old RDC (Recruit Division Commander; Navy's answer to the drill sergeant in boot camp). I looked up to her for so many reasons. We became friends after I left boot camp; she had her son about a month after Bella was born.
I'm just very confused.. like I said, I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill; when I verbalize some of the things I'm feeling, I feel silly, like I'm making them up for attention. I'm clearly not, but my mind likes to tell me otherwise.
I feel as though my walls are falling down (in the bad way) and I'm no longer strong. I'm no longer that strong person I know that I am. I feel as though I've been faking smiles and happy attitudes. You may hear a genuine laugh but it's been very difficult to really really enjoy myself. I see going to a therapist as me getting to the point where I've lost all control and strength and there is nothing to bring me back to happiness.
My family is supportive, for the most part. I won't go to my mother, for a few reasons. Reason one, but not the first to happen, being her own professional diagnosis. Reason two being when I needed her most, she did nothing. When I tried to call out to her, she turned a deaf ear. When she did find out, she scolded me for what I was doing to myself, instead of trying to find out why and helping me. This is one reason why I don't really hold much faith in my mother; my mother-in-law wouldn't do this. If she saw something was wrong or that I wasn't myself, things had changed with me so slightly, she'd want to know what was wrong. She wouldn't turn that deaf ear or scold me. My sister is supportive; I love her so much for that.
Belladonna, my baby who is becoming a toddler (*sniff*), makes my day every single day. Her smile, her giggle, her TEETH! Her eyes light up when she sees Mommy; she crawls so quickly to me when I pick her up from the baby sitter. Soon, she'll be walking quickly to the door and soon after that, she'll be running to the door for Mommy.
I feel the tears welling up inside. Don't know if there's any stopping them.
I say "symptom" in the title, because, well, I'm not feeling myself. I'm sure I've posted about it somewhere. I'll copy and paste.
Just needing a little help here deciphering some symptoms.. gradually building up over the last few weeks. You know how everyone has their mopey days and days of just feeling off? The last time I had it really bad was a few years ago (with hubby but before we got married); mild depressive state, I think. (runs in the family though.) Anyway, up until the last one or two, they could be signs of pregnancy. Unless I'm in that tiny percent, I know I'm not (though the last period was VERY light, lighter than normal).
I wonder if it’s depression or just what’s been going on the last few weeks (not just CM, but also the fires and whatnot). I made a list before leaving work yesterday…
-inability to focus at work
-frequent mood swings
-lack of sex drive
-feeling bored
-easily distracted
-just want to sleep/stay in bed all day
-sometimes feel like crying for no reason
-change in eating habits
-seemingly withdrawn and attempting to compensate (ie: inviting lots of people over)
-constant vertigo (the last few days)
Clarification, I'm in San Diego and we nearly had to evacuate from the fires. Didn't have to but we did anyway; we were very worried.
The stuff with CafeMom being all the hatred and religious debate from some of the Christians on the site to the Pagans, Atheists, Agnostics.. basically anyone who doesn't believe as they do. I've made posts of my own about it in my journal so I won't copy here. Just feeling very drained and exhausted no matter how much sleep I get (or how little). It's all the same. Yesterday I barely smiled and I smile a lot.
I've toyed with the idea of going to counseling and talking to someone but in my mind, this says, there really is something wrong with me. my sister has gone as well as my mother (who was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe depression). I really don't want it getting to that point.
Hmm.. okay. With the last period I had, I didn't even need to use a pad, liner or tampon, but I know I was on it. I get it the same week of every month (now) on Thursday or Friday; never a miss. Haven't taken a pregnancy test; kind of afraid to at this point. But, I'll wait until I don't see anything to be sure.
I will keep you posted as things arise. This vertigo sucks the most of all the symptoms. It doesn't happen when I drive though. I've tried eating something in the mornings and drinking more water again; still nothing. Oy. I've been taking caffeine pills some mornings; they didn't always do this though. Really, it's only been this week I've felt the vertigo.
Some days, I want to go and talk to a professional and get out all the issues I've got going on in my head. Other days, I don't because I've told my husband about them. He supports me in any decision I make. If I feel this is important to me [seeking pro help] then he'll support me in it.
I used to think it was post-partum, but Bella's nearly a year old; isn't it a little late for post-partum? There are many many instances when I'm driving and I'm only barely aware of what's going on. I'm not entirely focused on what I'm doing; half the time, Bella's in the car! I snap out of it in time for extreme traffic (lots of brake lights, etc.) but I'm afraid if the wrong people find out about that, things will go south, even when I try not to. A friend of mine wa exhibiting similar symptoms and a medical professional told her she had post-partum. This was several months ago and I felt for her; mostly, because I could definitely relate! What gets me is she's my old RDC (Recruit Division Commander; Navy's answer to the drill sergeant in boot camp). I looked up to her for so many reasons. We became friends after I left boot camp; she had her son about a month after Bella was born.
I'm just very confused.. like I said, I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill; when I verbalize some of the things I'm feeling, I feel silly, like I'm making them up for attention. I'm clearly not, but my mind likes to tell me otherwise.
I feel as though my walls are falling down (in the bad way) and I'm no longer strong. I'm no longer that strong person I know that I am. I feel as though I've been faking smiles and happy attitudes. You may hear a genuine laugh but it's been very difficult to really really enjoy myself. I see going to a therapist as me getting to the point where I've lost all control and strength and there is nothing to bring me back to happiness.
My family is supportive, for the most part. I won't go to my mother, for a few reasons. Reason one, but not the first to happen, being her own professional diagnosis. Reason two being when I needed her most, she did nothing. When I tried to call out to her, she turned a deaf ear. When she did find out, she scolded me for what I was doing to myself, instead of trying to find out why and helping me. This is one reason why I don't really hold much faith in my mother; my mother-in-law wouldn't do this. If she saw something was wrong or that I wasn't myself, things had changed with me so slightly, she'd want to know what was wrong. She wouldn't turn that deaf ear or scold me. My sister is supportive; I love her so much for that.
Belladonna, my baby who is becoming a toddler (*sniff*), makes my day every single day. Her smile, her giggle, her TEETH! Her eyes light up when she sees Mommy; she crawls so quickly to me when I pick her up from the baby sitter. Soon, she'll be walking quickly to the door and soon after that, she'll be running to the door for Mommy.
I feel the tears welling up inside. Don't know if there's any stopping them.
I know when you read my posts that seem down or in-need, you feel this way; but I wish you were closer so I could be of more support. It's hard when you are so far away from what is comfortable to you.
ReplyDeleteI would say, first things first. Take a pregnancy test to get that out of the way. You can only tackle one source at a time, and if you are pregnant- then you will have more clarification on what's going on.
I got very depressed when I first got pregnant- very emotional, which isn't me. I have a history of depression, but when I got pregnant it was much different.
Once you jump that hurdle, then go onto the next possibility.
There is no law saying postpardum depression comes right after birth. Some mothers are so overwhelmed with being a new mommy, they don't even have time to think about being sad. Now that Bella is a *tad* more independent, maybe your body is screaming out for some attention.
Don't feel bad about asking for help. It took me far too long to feel okay about seeing a counselor for my depression and I regret waiting so long to get help for myself. I didn't need to go through all that I did. You don't need to either. You deserve to be happy, and there's nothing wrong with needing a little nudge to get there.
You have gone through so much. You have been so strong while your hubby is away, you've done so much on your own. Your a new mommy and a great one. It's no wonder you haven't fallen apart yet!
If it helps any, you've come a really long way and I'm proud of you. Remember all that you've accomplished since you left and find that pride in yourself, because you really deserve it all.
I hope that you can figure out where this is coming from and get the help that you need. I'm ALWAYS here for you, because you've returned the favor to me and been such a strong support in my life for so long <3
Love ya.