New Morning, A New Day

Just a question: Just how wrong is it to still feel for your first true love?  We both have moved on with our lives, but I still get a little excited when I get a message, comment, or instant message from him. Does one ever get over them?

Our only friend here came over on Saturday night to hang out.  His wife was in San Antonio for the weekend and he was bored at home. We started talking about my husband's ex-wife and their son.  Our friend (hopefully jokingly) said something to the effect of busting her up.  I told him that a son need his mother, and Patrick agreed.  Derek said, "He does; you!"  Patrick said, "And at least you talk to him." Apparently, all his ex-wife really does is hang out with her new man (she still has yet to tell Patrick that they're an item; this was an agreement they both came to when they divorced, to let the other one know when and who they were dating so they'd both know who was going to be in their son's life) and play on the computer. I wasn't sure what to think of that.  I'm Tam, his bonus mom.  He's a great kid and I do miss him being around.  when we lived in San Diego, we had him every other weekend.  If we wanted to see him, all we ...

I'm following blogs from all over the place.  They range from friends I had during an awesome time in my life to people I knew in high school to authors.  From time to time, I go through and read all of their updates and sometimes comment on their recent entries.  I stumbled upon a blog maintained by a popular guy I knew of in high school and his wife.  It's no surprise that 10 years later, he's still doing well and is popular (for a married guy with a baby in his late 20's).  It proves to me that some people never change.  It seems that those types of people are few and far between lately. I can't quite put my finger on it, but at once of these class reunions one year, I'd love for the popular people from years gone to actually talk to me.  I'd love to be someone there who looks stunning, like I've really changed a lot (for the better, of course) over the last 10+ years.  I want to be healthy and thin.  I want to be successful and full of ...

I've been playing around with the design of my blog lately.  I tried adding AdSense awhile ago, but it didn't work out.  I've tried it once again in hopes that it will work out this time. I've also added an RSS feed from Anderson Cooper's blog.  I'm trying to do what I can to become more aware of what's going on with our current events.  I really don't like being ignorant of what's going on; it makes me feel stupid.  I'm trying to rectify this. Also, there's a Google stream of sorts near the top of my blog.  Just a little bit of search help, I guess.  I want my blog to be a little informative as well as fun. The weekend wasn't too bad.  We went to IHOP on Saturday and I had some utterly delicious pancakes.  They have a new "flavor" that tastes like fresh cinnamon rolls that are reminiscent of Cinnabon.  I need to "like" them on Facebook.  [Done!] Saturday was also grocery shopping.  Our limit was a little high...

Last night after getting home from work, I found out we were going to opening night of the county fair.  We're still flat broke, but, our friends, Derek and Jessica, had extra tickets and invited us to go along.  We had a pretty good time.  My crowd anxiety was in check, for the most part. Derek got some tokens for the rides (Bella kept asking to go on the ferris wheel and carousel), but after we got onto the carousel, she changed her mind, under the impression that it would go "too fast" for her.  It was one of the slowest rides.  She's had no problem in the past riding "fast" rides.  In fact, we've had to practically fight her to get off of the rides. We walked around a lot.  They bought lemonades in big plastic cups with lids and straws.  Jessica said that every time she comes to the fair, she HAS to get one of the lemonades.  For $5 a piece, I hope it's good!  They bought us one each (Bella shared with us) and I found out this ...

I really hope there's a dream tonight to make up for this one. I had a dream last night about my sister.  We were hanging out, being normal.  The scene changed to the two of us laying in a claw foot bath tub, immersed in some gross goop.  We were on our sides and she was in front of me.  I remember her turning around and asking if she could have some room. Next thing I know, we're out of the tub and clean, and she gets propositioned by a seedy character.  She turns to me and says something like, "I need to be able to provide for our family," shoos me away and follows the Seedy Character. I go inside a building where she is and I try to talk to my friends about what just happened.  I hear her screaming on the other side of the wall and run outside.  I see her on her back getting sexually assaulted by Seedy Character, with her hand on her naked crotch.  Disturbing to say the least! I get all protective of her and race to her rescue. ...

Last night I went to bed shortly after Bella went to bed.  I was out cold before Patrick got home from work last night.. just after 8:30pm.  I had a dream about Shemar Moore.  If you watch Criminal Minds, you know who I'm talking about. I remember he was a real estate agent with Century 21 and was trying to sell houses (but I never saw him sell houses).  I would go and talk to him and help him feel better about things.  But, it wasn't just selling houses.  He was feeling really down and I hated that.  I spent a lot of the dream helping him feel better about himself.  I think we were living together.  I remember we were talking to each other in bed one night and he attacked me.  We did the nasty.  Thing is, I didn't feel anything down there, but I know business was getting done.  All I felt was his body and his kisses; but nothing down there .  It was weird. Anyway, I remember having a wonderful dream about Shemar Mo...

These are from the posts I made about my anxieties.  It may seem broken up, but that's because I'm not sharing what my friends said.  They may not want to be on my blog.  I'm respecting their privacy.  It started with a question. I posted a question the other day asking about Encouraging Independence or Being Lazy.  I've taken it down. One person thought that I was just being lazy.  Not so.  Sometimes I fall asleep on the couch after Bella gets me up, with her watching tv in the same room.  I mentioned that I don't sleep well at night, and wake up tired, usually getting only five hours of sleep a night.  She thought that cps should be called and they should look into the situation.  WOW.  Really? I mentioned an anxiety about taking her places to play outside, like a park or something.  I have a huge anxiety about her walking off with a stranger if I blink my eyes just once.  This woman thought that I was makin...

The last few times I posted, it was about Silverchair songs and an ex-boyfriend.  Here's what's happened in the last two weeks. As I try some nights to get to bed at a decent time (read:  before 2 am), I tend to get attacked by my husband.  This is good and dandy, but when I say, "I'm going to lay down to try and get some sleep," one would think, Okay, she doesn't want any nookie tonight.  What I don't like is when I'm obviously trying to get to sleep (without saying the aforementioned statement) is when he tries to play with me.  Seriously?  I'm trying to get to sleep!  I know sex and somewhat loud tv help him sleep; both of them have the opposite effect on me.  It keeps me up.  What sucks more is that I'm the one who gets up with Bella most mornings (of the two of us).  Me.  Sometimes when I come out to the living room with her, I turn on her 'toons, make sure she has cereal or oatmeal on the table, and then get comfortable on t...

I heard "Without You" on the video music channel (not to be confused with what MTV and MTV2 USED to be), and found myself in love with them all over again.  Two of my favorite songs are "Without You" and "Miss You Love."  The links for the videos and the lyrics are below.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Without You (Live) Miles Away There's hopeless smiles brighter than mine And I need for you to come and go Without the truth falling out. Old incisions refusing to stay Like the sun through the trees on a cloudy day You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat But it melts in the sun like a life without love And I've waited for you so I'll keep holding on Without You(2X) Telephone Socially scared and impaired If the trees will bloom the wind can blow Without the fruit falling out Old incisions refusing to stay Like the sun through the trees on a cloudy day You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat But it melts ...

It's strange to have ex-boyfriends on one's social networking page.  I suppose I'm one of the strange ones.  Of the few serious relationships I've been in (including my current as a wife), only one boyfriend isn't on my friends list.  I'm not losing sleep over it, if that's what one wonders.  I do see if they're on this networking site, but maybe only once a year. The first love of my life is on my friends list.  Though things were tough and quite rocky toward the end, we managed to scrape up what was once a good friendship, and reform that friendship.  We're both happily married and have children close in age.  His oldest daughter is less than 14 days younger than my only daughter. He instant messaged me on this networking site to just chat.  I have no problem with this.  I found it odd that he IM'ed me first; he rarely does this.  Either way, I was happy to chat (I was already chatting with an old friend from 12 or so years ago)....

When I was in high school, this was one of my favorite songs.  It's from the soundtrack for the movie Disturbing Behavior.  Awesome song. The Fly's - Got You Where I Want You Hey what's the point of this Hey what's your favorite song Maybe we could hum along I think you're smart You sweet thing Tell me your name I'm dying here Ooh got you where I want you Ooh got you where I want you Oh yeah Hey maybe just a smile Oh hey do you know that I can dance Could we talk for a while I think you're smart You sweet thing Tell me your sign I'm dying here Ooh got you where I want you Ooh got you where I want you Oh yea Ooh got you where I want you I want you bad I think you're smart You sweet thing Tell me your name I'm dying here Ooh got you where I want you Got you where I want you YEAH Got you where I want you I want you Want You Got you where I want you Walking around screaming at you in my head, "Pleas...

This song can get me pumped for anything .  Video and lyrics below. Faint - Linkin Park "Faint" I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do Face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got [Chorus] (I can't feel the way I did before) (Don't turn your back on me) (I won't be ignored) (Time won't heal this damage anymore) (Don't turn your back on me) (I won't be ignored) I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt It's like no matter...

There's something to be said about taking a long, relaxing bath in the middle of the night, without hearing, "Mommy, whatcha doin'?" or "Can I watch tv in your room?" or "Where's Daddy? [ at work, honey ]. I ran it a little hotter than I wanted to, but it felt great on my knee.  I woke up with it really stiff this morning, and the hot water soothed it better.  It's not nearly as stiff as it was earlier in the day. I decided to not work on my story today.  For starters, I stayed up with Bella after serving her banana oatmeal this morning (8:30) after getting only five hours of sleep ( I tried getting to sleep earlier, but it wasn't happening) .  I put in Guitar Hero World Tour and started a solo career.  After a few hours of that, I put in Rockband (better set list).  In an attempt to remain awake, I brewed a fresh pot of coffee and drank about 8 of the 12 cup servings it brewed.  I also have another cup of coffee sitting right in front ...

I'm trying to write a story.  I've been working on it for several years now and it's be re-written many times, added to many times.  One of the elements I'm adding is the classic American muscle car and trucks.  So far, I only have two classic vehicles; one of each.   One character is driving a 1968 Dodge Charger.  It's black with white leather interior (or whichever is true to the time when manufactured). The other is slightly customized.  It's a 1968 Chevy truck.  I've no idea the model; I could use some help on this part.  It's black with red, orange, blue, and purple flames along the side and deep red (crimson) leather interior. Feel free to expand more on these.  I'd love to have a peek into your passion for these amazing cars and trucks.  Any information is really appreciated.  Thank you so much! Some things I'd like to know to make this more believeable are: How does it make you feel when you turn t...

I've started re-typing my story. It's 40+ pages right now and it will only get longer (I hope) after making the changes I want. I figure if I do about ten pages of typing a day, I can get it where I need it in about a week. I've got a general outline, including an epilogue (to follow the introduction I made). It looks promising. I cut Bella's hair yesterday. She's been wanting it short, so I gave her a bath, washed her hair and then cut it off. Below are before and after pictures. Before: After: She loves her new haircut. Patrick tells me he thinks she looks like an adult, only smaller. I'm proud of myself for this haircut. It's difficult to cut a child's hair and difficult to cut super curly hair. But, I did both and I have the even lines I need. Woot!!

My daughter, Belladonna, talks in her sleep. She's also pretty good at telling me about bad dreams that she's had just moments before. Last night was no different. She woke up from a bad dream last night. I heard her call for me over the monitor and rushed to her room. She was laying on her bed, feet under the pillow, snuggling her special pink blanket (made just for her) and a smallish Pooh Bear quilt. I asked her to tell me about her dream. She said her animals were taken by a human; a "chocolate" man named Gabriel who's been following her. She said that he has two dragons: a silver one and a gold one. She says her green dragon, Gorbash (points to your House if you can remember where that name orignates), will help her. I told her that if she returns to the Land of Dreams, she can go back and get her animals from the human and that Mommy can help her from that place. After some kisses and "Mommy, I forgot something..." I left her room and attem...

Almost since we moved here, Bella's been crawling into bed with us in the mornings. Today, was nothing new. I have vague memories of her climbing in, snuggling up to me and throwing her left arm and leg over me. I wasn't sure if I dreamed it or not. Either way, I thought it was kind of sweet. Thing is, she only ever climbs in on my side of the bed; never my husband's. At some point, she got up and went into the living room while Patrick got ready for work. He woke me up around 8:30 (when my alarm for him went off), saying I should probably move to the living room couch. Most mornings, I get up with Bella and we go to the living room for some Phineas and Ferb. I get her some breakfast and then I pass out on the love seat. She asked for a movie and went searching for one. I asked her for the tv remote and PS3 controller; she came back saying she wanted to watch Twilight. She'd picked up New Moon, but she didn't care. She wanted to watch it. I'm one of t...

My tax refund showed up a couple of weeks ago. It was nearly $4K. We opened a new bank account here in town with it, to make things much easier (especially deposits and such). Thing is, with the bills we've started here, and paying off a couple of things, it's dwindled to barely $700. We still need to pay the trash this month (roughly $20) and I need to get in touch with my student loans to do the [first] payment of roughly ($240). I don't want to get behind on that. There's also the debt I've got with Grantham still. Last time I checked, that balance was to the tune of $1,500. I'd really like to get that debt off my back. There's also my credit card through my Navy credit union. The amount isn't so bad; it's less than what I owe Grantham. I'm sure that once I get those two items paid off (once I'm working, that is), my credit score will have improved. Hopefully, the only recent negative thing will be the current student loan I'l...

I filed my tax return in February, filing married-joint, but as an injured spouse. I was told that this process would take up to 14 weeks. What I wasn't told, is that 14 weeks after it's submitted, it's actually started. Once it's started, it could take 30-45 days to process. I've been calling them nearly every 1-2 weeks since that 14th week. I'm supposed to be getting a letter in the mail soon (it was mailed on the 22nd of this month), saying they're going to take yet ANOTHER 30 days to process. What?! Now, I was told that I could get in touch with the Hardships department and they could contact me to get it to me sooner; we're using my refund to move with (that's the plan, anyway). After talking to those people, I was told that they wouldn't be able to get back to me until next Thursday. We'll be on the road by then! So, just in case something like this happened, my mother gave us a check to help with our move. I'm really glad s...