New Morning, A New Day

This is taken from a journal post I made on a moms website. Sometimes, I feel really proud of myself for making good arguments and points. I can't help but beam about this post. This kind of goes along with my last journal post on that moms website (posted at the bottom of this entry) . The same people mentioned in that post, as well of loads of other people, seem to rely heavily on those who can do readings, be it tarot, rune, psychic, etc. There have been groups I've been in, in hopes of helping others with my Tarot, only to find out that people are whiny and cannot rely on themselves to pick up and live their lives. They need someone to tell them where they're going, how to do, what they need to do; do they need someone to wipe their ass as well? It's amazing they can even get by in their day-to-day lives without calling up the local tea leaf reader! I have left groups because I couldn't handle being around so many whiny people. Can you give me a reading? My life...

Took Bella to get her pictures done yesterday. They turned out okay, actually. I'm gonna go back next week (Sunday) to get the Yule/Christmas ones done, in the same red dress from the last two pictures. I love taking her in for pictures! I wish I could do it once a week. While I was out with Bella, Patrick and his mom went out shopping for a tree and ornaments. First they picked up a three foot tree.. then promptly took it down (think "Charlie Brown Christmas") so I brought it into work with me this morning, with some extra ornaments. I haven't put it up yet, but I will. Saturday, we all went up to Lancaster (six hour drive, round trip) to see his family for their Christmas get together. They decided it better to get gifts for the kids this year (just like last year) and that's just fine. Thing is, for as much as they asked about him, no one got Jeffrey (Patrick's son) a damn thing. They had stuff for Belladonna and "little" Billy (dad's name is ...

I just can't seem to keep a fucking sitter. And it's not like Bella is a difficult child!! She has her days and moments, but all kids do. The first sitter we had, Bree, was great. She was a friend of mine from Denver. She married a Navy guy and came out here to SD. They had a son in February 2005, Achilles (yup, named for the movie Troy). She watched Bella for a couple/few weeks and all was good... until we found out he was getting new orders and going to GUAM. So much for that. She watched Bella from early January through early/mid-February. The second sitter, Naomi, came recommended to me through a girl I worked with while still active duty. Naomi was the girl's neighbor and was actually recommended through her sitter. Things were working out great! She had no problem with the fact that I could only pay her $150/two weeks (my friend didn't seem to mind this at all, either). She had four kids, three in school. At this point, Bella was still small enough that she didn...

Much of this has been posted here, as a normal blog. Finally told my sister about things last month. I wrote: November 18, 2007 - Still not sure what's going on inside my head. One day, I want to talk to somebody and the next, I think it's a dumb idea my sub-conscious came up with for attention. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do; I was so upset on Saturday (four of our friends Chris & Liz and Aaron & Cathy had cancelled [for legit reasons]). I had looked over those who hadn't responded and just lost it. I did two very nasty sounding bulletins on MySpace (that's how I got the word out to most everyone) after seeing that the majority of the folks I'd sent invitations to, hadn't even said Maybe (which I would have been fine with). That was the last straw; I promptly went upstairs, closed the door to my bedroom and sobbed. I know it was something minor but I feel that it really didn't help my state of mind, considering where it had been the...

I think I have arthritis. My fingers started hurting like crazy (the joints) 2-3 days before it rained [today]. I pop my fingers regularly and I'm sure that doesn't help much. I can't wait for the day to end. I want to go home. I want to take a nap, too. Maybe before I leave work, I can take a cat nap. Need to pay the baby sitter today.

Now I know being a new mom, almost everything would seem to be blown out of proportion when it comes to your first child. I'd like to think I'm not one of those parents and that I'm realistic. Here's what got me thinking about it. Yesterday, I picked up Belladonna early from the sitter. She had thrown up during her nap and wasn't going back down. She would also be fine one minute, crying the next. I noticed a runny nose dropping her off that morning; she was licking the snot from her upper lip! Ewww.. gross! Anyway, I figured she just has a cold, so after getting home, gave her some Tylenol, a bottle and put her down to finish her nap (slept for about an hour and a half). The whole time she slept, I kept wondering, "Is she okay?" I wasn't going to take her to the hospital unless there was a temperature; the sitter did that and said there was none. I was checking on Bella more often than normal yesterday. With it being cold season and nearing the end of...

A friend of mine left a comment on a recent blog saying that it's no wonder I haven't broken down yet. She said that I've been through a lot lately. This could be true (I'm not discrediting her) but I see it as me just living my life, dealing and handling what's been given to me. I know that the people who count have the faith in me that I need. When I was in boot camp, I was being strong for all those girls who were away from their families for the first time. They'd cry and sob and cry some more, everyday wondering if they'd made the right choice. Every time, I was there, helping them through it. I'd been away from my family before (five months after graduation) and was just fine then. I didn't cry during those five months. I suppose, while in boot camp, when I thought it was safe, I broke down a bit and cried; I missed my mother and my friends. I was actually really fucking disappointed that they didn't write as often as they said they would. ...

...about Christmas music that makes some depressed and sad? I was listening to Bing Crosby this morning and The Carpenters, and started getting really sad. One would say, "Well, then don't listen to Christmas music if it gets you sad and stuff." Good point, but I seem to be a glutton for punishment, and pick up more and more Christmas music every year (so far, a favorite is NSYNC's Christmas album, followed by Mariah Carey and 98 Degrees [yup, they did one too] but Jewel not so much). I digress. Thanksgiving was nice yesterday. We picked up my buddy Mike (friend since 6th grade!) on the way to Amber's. There were two turkeys (a ten and a fifteen pounder) to be deep fried, a yummy carrot and Velveeta cheese casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, dinner rolls, cornbread muffins, sweet potato pie. Good stuff. They put out a good spread. :) Bella wouldn't stop walking yesterday. It was too cool. She was getting into everything, but again, it was too cute. I could c...

I know that I'm in no way ready for another one, as Bella is a big enough handfull, but I miss being pregnant. It was such a wonderful time in my life. I looked great, felt great (most of the time, anyway). I miss watching my belly grow with a baby in it. I miss feeling said baby moving around inside. There are at least five women I know of who are pregnant, and I think it's safe to say I'm kind of envious. I know those who read this may think, "Are you sure you don't want another one really soon?" The answer is yes. I don't want another baby until Bella can use the potty all by herself; I don't want two in diapers, if I can help it. I say "symptom" in the title, because, well, I'm not feeling myself. I'm sure I've posted about it somewhere. I'll copy and paste. Just needing a little help here deciphering some symptoms.. gradually building up over the last few weeks. You know how everyone has their mopey days and days of just ...

Belladonna took four steps night before last! Yay Baby Bella!!

This is largely taken from a journal I posted elsewhere. Comments are welcome at either location. I do owe an apology, I think. In an attempt to open the minds of those who have theirs closed, I got heated and upset; mostly because they had no desire to open their minds and accept that not everything is bad or evil when concerning those not of their faith (Christianity, as a whole). I don't want to be saved and I don't need to heard the word. I was an Episcopalian for ten years. I know the word and know it well; I know it well enough to realize that it's not for me. If I've offended you, I do apologize, as it was not my intention. I don't like backing down from things now that I've grown a spine (it's taken years for this, mind you) and learned that I can voice my opinion. Had I done this several years ago, I would have cried the second someone told me off. Yet, I almost feel wrong apologizing. I voiced my opinion on things (which we're all entitled to) ...

Grampa is going in for surgery on kidney stones tomorrow. My stepmom said he is in good spirits.

I didn't have this blog then, so those who do read this blog may have no idea. In June 2004, my grandmother (favorite mind you) passed away. It hit hard and I still want to cry about it every now and again (particularly, that month). We really didn't expect my grandfather to live much longer after her passing, but he has. As I said to my mother this morning, "He's a stubborn, ol' coot." And he is. He is resiliant. He's also in the hospital for his liver (I think; it may have been kidneys.. I think it's the kidneys). No idea how serious it is. My step-Mom sent an email to my Mom, in response to my mother's daily meditation emails, letting her know what's going on. I don't know what to do. If he leaves us, I have no way to get back there. I want to bring Patrick and Belladonna with me. I want to see my grandmother again. The last time I really thought about her was April 2005; when Patrick and I got married. We received a card in the mail fro...

I dropped Bella off with a new sitter this morning. I'd met her before at a Mom's Night Out function. It was easier doing this when she was smaller. I was there with her for a couple of minutes, to let the sitter (who has a 14/15 month old of her own, little boy) know about Baby Bella and I brought in a few blankets from the car that smell like home. She was just fine playing with the balls that go with the Fisher-Price green dinosaur thing (you might know it if you saw it), and she started crawling around, exploring. I gave her lovin's and kisses, saying, "Being a good girl, Bella." I'd hate for her to not to be herself; she's such a happy baby! Triana, Alyssa, Narn and Shen can attest to this! It looked like she was having a good time. And then Mommy pulls away. Bella gets this confused look on her face; then it looks like she's going to cry, as if to say, "Mommy, where you going?!" It was heartbreaking. Maybe we should have gone over there...

I took my second-to-last test for my Principles of Business Management class (not counting the course survey) yesterday. Tallied them up and my overall grade so far in this class is a 77.2%. Introduction to Marketing is 78%. Overall, it looks like I have a high C for both classes. The next one is College Algebra... not so sure about that one. I'll take as long as I need to for that class; I can't continue on until that course is completed as it's a pre-requisite for the class after it. Triana and Alyssa came down from Long Beach today. Alyssa wants to get her dress blues uniform together for the holiday next Sunday. Patrick took them down there, so I'm home with the kids for time being. When they get back, he and Jeffrey will go up to Victorville so Jeffrey can go home. While they're gone, I guess Alyssa and Triana were wanting to take me out to dinner. This is super! Patrick just needs to put Bella's car seat in Alyssa's car, since I'm not sure how he p...

So... I opened the "old" blog but under a different name. You'll no longer find the good old postings here from when I started this blog. If you want those, message me and I'll get you the new link.

I'm really pissy lately too. I wish I could figure it out. Any takers?

This is very strange. There have been several times in the last month when I've been overly sensitive about things being said of me, about me or around me. I take things too personally, end up hearing what I want to hear. I'm trying to figure out how to fix this, but I'm not even sure how. I wish I knew the cause.

So far the new job is working out pretty well. I'm getting paid nearly twice what I was making in the retail world, getting more hours (because I want them and not because I just happened to get them) and doing stuff I enjoy.. sort of. I like doing admin work. I'm young enough that I won't get burned out on it. While at work, if I have down time, I do my school work. Last week, it was my business management class; this week, it's marketing. I took my business management lesson test over the weekend. My average for the class is a low B, but it's a B. I really don't want to get lower than a B- in ANY class. To be continued another time.

I started school recently. It's all online, so I can work at my own pace. This is very cool in just about every aspect. Except for the days when I don't really feel like doing said school work. At first, I thought I could do one chapter a day from each of the two books and do the end of lesson tests on the weekends. This didn't work out. Instead, I'm taking a week per set of lessons and then taking the test on the weekend. So far it's working out much better than the last routine. So, I'm working toward my Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration. I'm only doing this part time and, from what I can gather from my current school work schedule, it's the best thing I can do right now. I'm taking An Introduction to Marketing and Principles of Business Management. Last week, I did the Management lessons and took two tests; one was multiple choice and the other was ten essays. Actually, the first test I took I got an 80%, which is great f...

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman.. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

First I want to start off by saying thank-you to Angie; read the following to find out why. Today was a decent day at work. I was getting my "quota" in for the time I was on a register (I work at Babies R Us) and doing a pretty good job (10 in four hours is bad for me, but everyone else is REALLY good, lol). Anyway, I wear my necklaces to work (one has a moon pentacle, with an ankh on one side and a unicorn head on the other; my other one is a large circlular Celtic knot pendant that I got from a friend of mne, apparently it didn't want her anymore). Anyway, this mother and her daughter came through my line with a purchase. The mother said that she really liked my pendant. Come to find out SHE'S PAGAN! I was ecstatic and happy and it helped my day. On her way out, she said, "Blessed Be." Unforunately I was only able to get out "Blessed" before my next customer put their stuff on the counter. It made me feel great today and I had a much bet...

Okay, I know it's still awhile off buuuuuuuuuuuttt... I'm already planning things. If anyone wants to look into things to get her for her first birthday, go to w ww.babiesrus.com and type in my first and last name. I don't really expect anything (I know we all have things that we need to get for our own family, so it's okay), but if anyone would like to. I'm also trying to find a theme. Silly idea, I know. http://www.celebrateexpress.com/celebration/Refine.aspx?N=4294967145&Ns=sort13&TabID=4294967146&pageID=0&iRec=50&vw=aslisi is the website for the themes. I'm not sure which one to pick! I don't want a girly girl theme because she's not a girly girl and no pink. Any ideas?

It happened again. I dreamed of the first love again. He was the same as I remember from 1999, only taller. Started talking with him, gave him a quick shoulder massage. "You were always really good at that," I seem to remember him saying. Nothing past that. Why am I having these dreams?!

I tried going to sleep but couldn't because I had this "rant" going through my head. The scenario is me at my own store as a customer and I catch someone unpacking something. Me: Excuse me? Them: Yes? Me: What do you think you're doing there? Them: Nothing really. Me: Why are you taking that out of the package? Them: I want to see what it looks like. Me: Why? It gives you the perfect picture of it plus the measurements for it. Them: That may be but I still want to see it. Me: Could you humor me for a minute? Them: Okay... Me: Okay. Imagine you work in a store, very much like the one you're in right now. Imagine that you're getting paid minimum wage, working anywhere between 25 and 40 hours a week. Imagine that the only gratitude you really get out of working at the store is, for instance, seeing all of the new babies and their parents and helping those parents get the best items they can for their new child. Them: Of course.. Me: Not done yet. Please let me fi...

I had another dream again. Another dream about the first love. We were together and happy, a family. I don't know why though. It's really ... I can't even think of the right word; it's getting to me that much. He was the same as I remember him, but his face is a little rounder. The feelings, the connection between us was still there and strong. It upsets me that I still have these unconcious thoughts, these dreams. I have no control over them. I know there are ways to "control" what you dream, but it's so hard Whatever precautions there are, I'd forget to do them. Akri, I love you

Been awhile it seems. Deployment is half over.. a little more than half over. :) Our internet was shut off shortly after my last diary post. We didn't have internet for nearly two weeks. Since our phone and cable are hooked up in the same package, we didn't have those either. Bella just started saying "baby" yesterday. It's a little broken up, but it's still "baby." I got it on webcam video and posted it here, on MySpace and emailed it to him. Talked to Shen and Triana today (Alyssa last night) about SeaWorld on Monday. Looks like Ye Olde Man will be here in a matter of hours. Bella and I will get in for free, since we're dependents and we'll have to pay $46.50 for Mom. Work is going well. I miss the paychecks I got when I was temping, but I wasn't enjoying that as much as I am where I work now. I'm still getting paid every week, but it's half the hourly wages I'm used to and slightly fewer hours. At least I enjoy wh...

So, it's been a couple of days... all right all right... MORE than a couple of days... a couple of weeks? I've been working now for a few weeks; it's great and I love it! It seems like once a week or so, I buy something for Baby Girl. Right now, I'm looking for a costume of a bumble bee for Halloween. Deployment is almost half done. Yippie!! I'm trying to find something really cute for Bella for when her Daddy comes home. I'm trying to dye my hair a lighter color today. Hopefully it turns out. Leaving it in for longer than the directions say, just to be sure that it works. Not much really to blog about. Bella is doing so great! She started crawling a couple of weeks ago; she's getting into everything now. I love it. Got new phones (and carrier) so that he and I can call and text each other while he's gone. I went with my first carrier ever --- T-Mobile. If I like it enough when the contract is up, I'll stick with them and drop Sprint (I owe...

Been a few days. Got the job. Orientaion was two days this last week. Start fresh on Monday. I'll have the next two weekends off, but after that working at least one day on the weekend. Did a couple of "music videos" of Bella for him. I hope he likes them. She's in a really cute summery number. Got some professional pictures done of Bella, finally. I love them. He has 81 days until he comes home. He got the packages I sent a couple of weeks ago, so that's good. Hopefully he can make the cigarettes last until the next package. I got two new phones with my first carrier because they can do international calls. It's still going to charge per minute (for example, it's $1.49 to call to and from Singapore. It's twice that for Vietnam. But, at least we can call. There's also text messaging. It's thirty-five cents for him and fifteen cents for me. The phones should be here on Tuesday and his package should go out Wednesday. The Navy fucked...

Pictures of Bella. :) Professional ones. =D

Instructions: Write 10 statements, intended to different people.never tell which one is to who things you've always wanted to tell people. (*one or two may not even be on myspace. -Tam) 1. There are times when I love you, but there are times when your actions speak louder than your words and you upset me. I'm afraid to tell you to your face because I'm afraid it will screw with our friendship. 2. It was interesting having my own "puppy dog" for a couple of years. I got a little worried when special permission was given to go to my school. This was the catalyst for the drift in our friendship, which was rocky, at best, in high school. I'm sorry for treating you the way I did. 3. I forgive too easily, sometimes. My folks were mad for a long time; I think they still are. But I forgive you. I forgive you because you helped so many times the last few years when it was really needed. I appreciate that. 4. I still love you, but no longer in love with you. I'm hap...

I don't know why but lately I've been thinking about how I lived my life just a few years ago. I was young, stupid and not very safe. After I posted the last time, about the different relationships I had and how unsafe I was with them. I can't tell you how much of the sex was unprotected. I'm lucky to not have anything and not have been a young mother. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it then. And the chances of the guy actually stepping up to the plate to be the unexpected father? HA! Very laughable, of any boyfriend or fling I had. They were all too into what they were doing at the time to play a father. None of them would have taken the responsibility. Granted, Brian was probably one of the more responsible boyfriends I had (Timm's the other one; we didn't even sleep together, which was odd for me then). But even that doesn't mean anything. There are guys out there who are responsible men, but when they find out they've knocked ...

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I'd had a baby when I was younger and stupid. Who would I rather be the father? I kept having the thoughts earlier this morning; I have no idea what brought them on. I keep wondering which one of my mistakes would have stepped up to the plate of being an unexpected father. My best bet would have been Ryan, my first, but even then, he was too young for that. He was self-centered at that point in his life, having a relationship just to have one.He's someone I can't believe I had tears over. I pulled my hair out over this guy. I can only think of how much worse it woould have been had we not used protection for the week I went to visit him that October. Things could have gone wrong.I don't know why I started thinking about it this morning. I almost think that had that happened to me, Jeffrey would have someone to play with on the weekends we had him. Even then, I'd still want one more with him. Who knows wher...

So, I gave her the last $20 I had in my wallet. I'll give her the rest of the $55 when he gets paid. Then, hopefully she won't be on my back at all. Then again, I want to keep things good between us in case I need her help in finding another babysitter for Bella. I have a group inteview set up with Babies R Us on Friday; I'm that desperate for work. I'll work someplace where I won't be getting the $13+/hour I need to live. I filled out online applications for Walmart and Hollywood video. Found out that the friend of mine I thought was going to be able to watch Bella for me, won't be able to because her husband doesn't think I'll pay her enough. If I were to pay what everyone else pays for childcare, I might as well save myself the money and be a SAHM. The best we can do right now for us to stay above water is to give only $150 for two weeks. I wish I could find something that wasn't leaving me broke. He's in the double digits now. I thin...

I gave her the $20 in my wallet. She gave me guff about it. I told her it was all I could do and that I was expecting more on this paycheck. I keep hoping more will show up on the next one. In any case, I'm too tired to bitch about it right now. Next entry --- -paying her -Bella's new sleeping habits -tree -father's day pictures

I'm going to try and get some stuff mailed out to him today. When I'm more awake and coherent. I woke up just before 11 this morning. Bella woke up at twenty to two last night crying; we're not sure why. It could have been she was warm (it's beginning to warm up here now), her teeth (so I gave her tylenol) or that she had a bad dream. We brought her downstairs and Dee held her for a bit. We couldn't even get her to smile! Then we switched spots and I was laying on the couch with Bella, rubbing her back. This seemed to help. After about ten minutes (I'm not sure; I didn't have my glasses on) we tried going upstairs and she woke up. Normally when that happens, I can put her right back down and she'll fall asleep. She started crying shortly after I crawled back into bed. So, I brought her into my room and she fell asleep on my chest again. I stayed there until I knew for sure that she was out, then I put her in her crib. She let me sleep in pa...

My husband and I starting picking out names before she was ever conceived. our first baby together is a girl (he has a son from a previous marriage) and we called her Belladonna Satine. Both names coincidentally have Nicole Kidman in common. Belladonna is Italian for beautiful woman. It's also an herb that helps with sleeping. If too much is taken, it can be fatal. Nicole Kidman link #1 - Her character in Practical Magic used it on her boyfriend Jimmy. Satine is from one of my favorite movies -- Moulin Rouge. Here is link #2 - Satine is the name of her character. I'm taking the meaning of "sparkling diamond" for this one.As a whole, I say her name means "dangerous beauty." Persephone Rayne - It just rolls off the tongue really well. Persephone was the name of a character I played in an RPG while DH and I were on deployment together. She and his character hooked up in the game. It seemed only fair. Rayne is for BloodRayne, the video game we both lo...

Still no word from him yet. One can only assume that he's busy now. I really wanted to talk to him for a bit tonight. *sigh* Oh well. I love you!

It's almost 10pm and no emails from him yet. He could be busy. He was uber busy yesterday and we weren't really able to send emails to one another. It sucked, but life goes on. I interviewed at Lockheed Martin today. I showed up late because I couldn't find the right building. I was too far down on the street. Once I got there, I was sweating bullets; not because I was nervous (I wasn't) but because it was hot as hell outside and I was wearing long sleeves (to hide the tattoo). My face was probably all flushed, too. I talked to the V.P.; the position was for an admin asst for him and the other gentlemen in the office. After being told the hours, I really didn't want the position. The hours vary. I'd much rather have a job where I'm working the same hours every day. This makes it easier on me and whoever I have watching Bella. I know though... well maybe... a friend of mine will be moving out here with her husband in just over a month. She might ...

Yes, I'm writing again. I just wrote something. I'm writing because I realized something. Well, I've known it for a long time, but wanted to say something about it. I love my husband. Totally, utterly, completely. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I thank the Goddess for sending him my way. I have so many reasons to love him. He loves me unconditionally, without question. No matter what, he'll stand by me. He is my dream come true, everything I could ever want in a life partner, a best friend, a loving adoring husband. I love you.

Motherhood. I abosolutely adore it. I enjoy being able to provide a life for someone, a little someone. For that little someone to depend on me for staying clean, having a full belly and toys to play with. Every night, I wonder and worry about her while she sleeps. She's been asleep for about three hours now and is down for the night. I can't hear a thing over the monitor, but I know she's fine. I'll still check on her when I'm done with this; I think I'll do that for a long time. I'll do it to both, when I have another baby. I love being a mother.

Wow a long time has flown by! Until we start "playing" again, it's just a normal blog, nothing to really post in that part of my life. Baby Belladonna has gotten so big! Her six month appointment is next Monday; she'll be seven months. I waited on getting her pediatrician, so her shots are only a little bit behind. She was over 15 pounds when I took her in the last time. She was five months old. She's doing just so well! She's coming into her own personality. She likes watching the Baby Einstein dvds. She'll sit there and watch one for a couple of hours. She's eating solids now, as well as her formula. She's wearing size 1 diapers still. She's petite. :) She was able to wear a couple bits of her smaller clothes up until recently. I have someone I can give her clothes to, when she gets too big for them. My sister is pregnant. She found out in December. She got pregnant the day she returned home from Japan. :) He thinks it'...