Saturday, October 18, 2008

I need a break... and told him about it

I need a fucking break. I've been at home, since the day we got to Colorado, every single day while my husband goes to work (it's a retail/photography gig, but at least he gets to leave the house!). I love my daughter, I really do, but I need a break. On his days off, he lets me sleep in, but that doesn't cut it as I get up with them anyway. On his days off from work, it seems as though he expects me to do what I do every single day while he's at work.

He's not keeping me from working; from those previous journals I've made about job searching, you would know I'm constantly looking for work and setting up interviews earlier in the morning so he can have the car for work. So, he's not being an asshole about me not working; in fact, we both know that I have to work.

But, I need a fucking break. I have found wonderful programs on Sprout, Noggin and Discovery Kids that Bella is interested in and can learn from. The only three things I don't let her watch (just because I find them annoying or irritating) are Caillou, Barney and TeleTubbies (and, no, not because of Tinky Winky [I think that's the name], the supposed "gay" one; I couldn't be a bigger advocate of gay rights).

She loves playing with tupperware and rubber-maid bowls, flat magnets on the fridge and dragging her favorite blankets around. She loves watching music videos that Daddy has saved on his youtube account. Ludo's "Love Me Dead" is a definite favorite; it's the only one where she claps her hands and says, "Yay!"

I need to get out of the house and let him hang out with Bella all day. I'd love an all day thing, even if it's going to a friend's house to visit all day. The only money spent is for gas. There are some friends here I still haven't seen yet (deelucas, MommyMeghera) as well as new friends I've never physically met (kimberlee382)! I would like a Bella-free day so I can take a break and breathe.

I'm sure other stay-at-home-moms feel the same way, at times. I'm sure they feel it even more if their spouse doesn't help. While I'm home, I care for Bella (fed, clothed, napped) as well as the dishes, any cooking/food prep for dinner, and any other cleaning that needs to be done around my parent's home (yep, we're still there/here).

Thanks for listening to my bitching.


Not from him, mind you. He asked me what I was talking about. He thought it was becuase of him. I told him that it wasn't, that I just needed a break and proceeded to tell him that I wasn't sure how stay-at-home-moms did it without going insane.

I love Belladonna with everything that I am, but I'm going crazy not working. He's not with her as much as I am. He doesn't know just how much of a pain she can be sometimes. Yes, I know what I was getting into when I told him, "Let's try for a baby," in late 2005. I know a lot will say, "Welcome to Parenthood." That's perfectly fine because I knew what I was doing. I just need a break from the walls of this house, especially the negativity from "Peepa" (Grampa Asshole).

The depression that I've had the last several years isn't helping, either. I need to get out of the house. There are days when I just want to crawl into bed and cry, for no good reason. There are days when I want nothing to do with my child. I spend time with her to get over that. I love my daughter and couldn't imagine my life without her.

He said that he misses our date night; I do, too. But, it's not going to happen for a long time. We can't count on my mom or Asshole to get up in the middle of the night if Bella wakes up. I'm constantly afraid that when she starts crying or screaming at night, he's going to wake up and do something drastic. Ever since the day he nearly hit her when throwing his bag on the floor, I've been fearful. My mother says to not take it personally when he doesn't acknowledge my daughter or doesn't take me seriously; it's kinda difficult to do that when it's been that way your entire life. My husband (and mother-in-law) believe in just letting it go. It's easier said than done and he realizes that.

I've taken great strides since leaving home in 2003. I have a backbone and I'm not afraid to tell you what's on my mind. There have been several occasions since we've been here that I wanted to tell him what I thought of him, but she's stopped me. I really wish she wouldn't; he needs to hear it. (The previous paragraphs have a journal entry all their own and I wrote one, but it was done on MySpace and I lost it while trying to post it.)

Anyway, that was a tangent I didn't mean to take. I think my husband understands. I told him (in not so many words), that I don't like the fact that I have to ask him to do things (like taking care of the dishes in the sink/dishwasher and laundry) on the days he's home and I have interviews/appointments. I asked him to do these things on Monday and he did them. Super. I had another appointment on Tuesday and nothing in the kitchen changed. I thought he would do it without me asking him. I do these things every day/week (depending on chore), as well as cook up something for dinner. He sits and watches tv or spends time on his computer, instead of helping out. I hate that I have to ask him to do little things; I shouldn't have to ask him. When we were in San Diego, I'd start messing with the trash bag (obviously super-heavy) and he would see me struggling with it. He would tell me, "You have a mouth," and I'd tell him, "I shouldn't have to use it." I really shouldn't have to ask him to help me or help out; he should be able to make a conscious decision to do it on his own, without me asking him.

I attempt to maintain the upstairs of this house as a way to "earn our keep." I'm not asked to do anything around the house; I do it as a courtesy (and the previous statement). I try to maintain the kitchen area especially because that's where everyone goes once they get home from work. I try to keep Bella out of the way when Asshole gets home, but she's so curious about Peepa.

I can't wait until I start working again and I can put Bella in a childcare program. She needs to be around children her own age on a regular, daily basis. I feel that even with our time spent at home, her abilities may be lacking. My husband doesn't think it's all because she isn't around kids her own age. I think so. I think she's bored at home with me. We can only do so much at home, especially when he's using my car for work. I would love to take her to the park every day after her nap, but my husband uses my car to get to and from work. My mom has left her car a few times, but I hate driving her car.

I need some psychiatric counseling, I think. I need to get back into therapy but it needs to be a therapy that isn't just cognitive therapy; that's what I had in San Diego and it didn't do squat. Give me drugs for my depression; it couldn't hurt if said drugs helped me with my libido. My libido has gone missing again. We went from using a box of 12 condoms (when my body was flushing out the birth control so I could start anew) in a week, to a box of 36 condoms in a few months. Our sex life is going down the toilet from where it was before. We have sex maybe twice a week; three times if I'm feeling really froggy. Every now and again, I'll initiate. I've gone to keeping certain stones (citrine, rose quartz and carnelian) in my pocket and using an ointment as a perfume to get me in the mood. They don't always help.

Again, another tangent. I think I'm done for now.