Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Session #5

Tonight's session was okay. At first, it was figuring out insurance information. There was a mix-up with the claim.

She was having a really hard time figuring out the relation of who I was back then (5+ years ago) and who I am now and how I'm the same person. I'm making rational, logical thoughts; actually thinking things through before acting on them. Then again, I've nearly always been like this, which is why I never got into fights in school. It seems as though she was a bit confused with it. She touched on the cutting again (when she was trying to figure out how my current self was that self) and asked me what I'd do if Belladonna was doing it. I broke it down for her. I'd tell her of my experience with it, ask her what the catalyst(s) are and actively listen to every word she'd say. These are all things my mother didn't do.

We also touched on violence growing up and how it's "acted upon" in our home (when it comes to discipline). I got Bella once when she was teething; I was holding her on my chest and she bit my shoulder. It hurt. Impulsive reaction was my hand (there's no "good way" of putting this) slapping her back. My husband looked at me and said, "That was uncalled for." I handed him Bella and I cried. Hard. Since then, I haven't done it as I refuse, REFUSE to be my mother. Since then, she's gotten a swat on the diaper (the sound more than anything scares her) or a flick/smack on her hand when she's repeatedly told, "No" as we take her [hand] away from wherever she's getting to. The therapist said that it's good that I'm aware of what I don't want to be and do. She said it's the first step, being aware.

I told her of my childhood violence. It wasn't like handguns and the like; more like spankings. Mom and Dad both had heavy hands. I remember a time when my mother straight up punched me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. She'd been yelling at me because I hadn't cleaned my room when she wanted me to. Once I was on the floor [of the ktichen where she'd been yelling at me] she stormed downstairs and ripped up the first thing she saw on my floor. Thsi happened to be my favorite book (Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry by Mildred D. Taylor). She replaced it about ten years later.

There's more but my fingers are tired. =/ Overall, not a bad session.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Session #4

It went okay, like the others have. Talked a little bit about the move later this year (how much it's going to cost us), whether or not my mother-in-law and her boyfriend will be coming out with us [to Colorado], as well as my mother.

I honestlly don't know how it came up, but it did. I told her about what happened at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding; the wedding as a whole didn't turn out at all how I wanted. I was more disappointed with the "big" wedding than I would have been with a smaller one; only 20 people showed up. My mother paid for over 100 or so. I kept hoping that page after page of my guest book would be filled, but that didn't happen. I told her when it "started" and why; how it was when I was a teenager. I could feel her disappointment in me, the older I got.

Whatever, Mom.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Session #3

This evening's session went okay. She asked about my dad (adoptive, not biological [I've called him Dad since before I could sit up]) and the verbal abuse from when I was a teengager (you'll never amount to anything, you're stupid, blah blah, etc.). Brought out low self-esteem and self-confidence. I told her that it changed pretty much when I met my husband. He told me everything I needed to hear. Since then, I've lost weight, had a reverse boob job and feel more comfortable in my own skin. I thought I was doing good when I was a part of RHPS as "Thunder Jugs" and that Tam was outside of the show; I realized much later that TJ and Tam were one and the same.

Then conversation just turned casual, really. I told her that I'm stressed about the move, how we're going to do it with the budget we have. Talked about the studio we want to do out of our home (for now) and where our refund is gonna go. This part didn't seem at all like a session; just casual conversation.

She did ask how my week went. I told her really well; in a ten day period, hubby and I had sex 4-5 times (this is super good for us/me); twice on Sunday and I initiated the second one. Go me!
That's really all.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Session #2

She started off wanting to talk about my cutting; when/why it started, when was I at my worst. I talked about my mother a little; she asked about my family already diagnosed and on medication. She asked how things are with my husband, if we're intimate and how we met.

I mentioned my wedding and my friends wedding (just over a year later), and how her wedding was what I had wanted (people attending, etc.). Everything. It's still a bit a sore spot, so as happy as it was for them (and for us when we got married), I don't like to talk about it much.. I wanted something small (because I just knew there wouldn't be a lot of people there), but in my dreams I wanted a big one.

It doesn't seem like much and I don't mind talking about it. Time just goes by so quickly in there.