Monday, December 31, 2007

Grow a Brain, People!

This is taken from a journal post I made on a moms website. Sometimes, I feel really proud of myself for making good arguments and points. I can't help but beam about this post.

This kind of goes along with my last journal post on that moms website (posted at the bottom of this entry). The same people mentioned in that post, as well of loads of other people, seem to rely heavily on those who can do readings, be it tarot, rune, psychic, etc. There have been groups I've been in, in hopes of helping others with my Tarot, only to find out that people are whiny and cannot rely on themselves to pick up and live their lives. They need someone to tell them where they're going, how to do, what they need to do; do they need someone to wipe their ass as well? It's amazing they can even get by in their day-to-day lives without calling up the local tea leaf reader! I have left groups because I couldn't handle being around so many whiny people. Can you give me a reading? My life is shit, can I have a reading? I can't shit right, can I have a reading? My cousin's friend's sister's aunt's baby daddy hasn't been around much but I still want to know if they're going to be there for their kid, can I have a reading? If you can't see for yourself that someone's baby daddy won't be there until they grow up and mature, then you need to mature a little bit and learn how to read actions. People like this annoy the hell out of me. It really is a wonder to me how they have lived up until now without any kind of divinatory or psychic help. If you come running to me because you can't figure out what to do at 1:27pm next Thursday, I won't tell you; if anything, I'll tell you to just live your life as you normally would. Don't clog up time over the little shit. You can work through it yourself. Be an adult, grow a brain and stop asking people to think for you.

Oh yeah.. the folks who say, "...when you have the time," is just their way of guilt-tripping you into giving them a reading sooner and/or before someone before them! I was in a group when I first joined CafeMom and offered to do readings while my husband was deployed. I gave specific guidelines, and when I said that I was no longer offering them to new people, I would still get bombarded with requests! I finally had to leave the group and give another reader the remaining names I had to do readings for. It was too much for me to handle; people constantly nagging and asking you for a reading.

I keep thinking to myself.. if they really want a reading and don't want to wait, learn how to do it yourself. If you want a psychic to help you, wait in line. The ratio of psychics to non-psychics is probably a 1 to 200+ so wait your turn. Otherwise, go to your local occult store (or Barnes & Noble, as they carry Tarot cards) and pick up the simplest Tarot deck you can find; you can ask the nice sales associate to help you, as that's what they're there for. Tell them you need a very simple, easy to read deck, as it is your first and you're learning. Pay them and take the deck home so you can learn to do your own fortunes. When you feel comfortable enough, offer to your friends.. and then see the requests come piling in. Soon, you'll find yourself swamped with people to read for and then, maybe then, you'll understand what it's like to be someone who can do readings and understand why they aren't offered very often. This especially goes if the only layout you can do is the Celtic Cross, as it takes up much of your time.

*big breath*

Okay I feel better.

Also, those asking if there are children in their future.. Ummm, take a look at both your families and figure out the ration and read up on your family medical history. My husband and I, when we first started talking about having kids, deducted that yes we'd be able to reproduce (hell, he already had a son previously) and that, more than likely, it would be a girl. Why? We looked at both our families. Let's start with his.

His grandmother was only one of 10 or 12 children, four of those children were sets of twins. As far as I know, neither made it through childhood. She had more sisters than brothers. Her children: three girls, one boy. First daughter had my son (and a miscarriage; tubes tied afterward), second daughter had two girls one boy, third daughter had three girls, and the son had one boy. My husband had one boy with his ex-wife. One of his cousins had a baby and was a girl. Now, my family.

My grandmother is one of five children; three boys, two girls (if I remember correctly). My grandmother's children were all girls. Her oldest daughter had two boys, one girl; her middle daughter had one of each; my mother had two girls. My oldest cousin had a girl with his wife. So, deductive reasoning told me we were having a girl. Found out later that my cousin had a little boy this summer, as did my sister.

Again, this goes back to grow a brain. Look at your family history (both of you) to deduct what gender of baby you're having. The previous paragraphs are to the best of my knowledge.

Journal post previously mentioned:
I'm trying to figure out why people (in general) shun those who practice magick and tarot cards and such, yet they're obsessed with knowing their future and destiny. All the time, I see people poking fun at my beliefs, yet when they want to know if their luck is going to change, or will they finally find their one true love, etc., the first people they go to are the ones they made fun of (for reading Tarot, casting stones [Runes], using the psychics they claimed they never believed in). I don't get this.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Birthday Pictures and Yule

Took Bella to get her pictures done yesterday. They turned out okay, actually. I'm gonna go back next week (Sunday) to get the Yule/Christmas ones done, in the same red dress from the last two pictures. I love taking her in for pictures! I wish I could do it once a week.

While I was out with Bella, Patrick and his mom went out shopping for a tree and ornaments. First they picked up a three foot tree.. then promptly took it down (think "Charlie Brown Christmas") so I brought it into work with me this morning, with some extra ornaments. I haven't put it up yet, but I will.

Saturday, we all went up to Lancaster (six hour drive, round trip) to see his family for their Christmas get together. They decided it better to get gifts for the kids this year (just like last year) and that's just fine. Thing is, for as much as they asked about him, no one got Jeffrey (Patrick's son) a damn thing. They had stuff for Belladonna and "little" Billy (dad's name is Billy, too, so we all refer to him as "little" Billy), but not Jeffrey. I noticed this and thought it to be especially rude to ask about him but not get him anything.

On with the photos! The third one I got as a free 8x10, for it being her birthday. I bought the second red dress photo as an 8x10 the her great grandma, who bought her the red dress.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Finding a Reliable Baby Sitter

I just can't seem to keep a fucking sitter. And it's not like Bella is a difficult child!! She has her days and moments, but all kids do.

The first sitter we had, Bree, was great. She was a friend of mine from Denver. She married a Navy guy and came out here to SD. They had a son in February 2005, Achilles (yup, named for the movie Troy). She watched Bella for a couple/few weeks and all was good... until we found out he was getting new orders and going to GUAM. So much for that. She watched Bella from early January through early/mid-February.

The second sitter, Naomi, came recommended to me through a girl I worked with while still active duty. Naomi was the girl's neighbor and was actually recommended through her sitter. Things were working out great! She had no problem with the fact that I could only pay her $150/two weeks (my friend didn't seem to mind this at all, either). She had four kids, three in school. At this point, Bella was still small enough that she didn't move around or do much. She tells me at the beginning (or middle) of May that she can't watch Bella starting June 1. "...my kids aren't doing well enough in school and I need to be there with them when they get home to do their homework, as it is, one has to do summer school... yada yada." Yeah, whatever, you just don't want to watch her anymore. Just fucking tell me! As it happened, the last week she watched Bella was also my last week at the temp job I was working.. so no money to pay her. Granted, my husband had left for a deployment, but he was still getting normal pay (it hadn't taken affect yet, the extra pay one gets for deploying), so I barely had enough to make some of the important bills. She'd stop by my house once a week, asking for what I owed her. One week, all I had was $20; I stopped by her house saying, "Look, this is all the money I have to my name; go ahead and take it and I'll give you the rest when he gets paid, since I have no work right now." She goes on to say that she needs it for bills, etc. and I'm thinking, okay where were you before I came along and started giving you $150 every two fucking weeks?! I finally paid her and have washed my hands of her.

I got the job at Babies R Us in July and MIL watched Bella. No problems there.

And then, this last one,Heather. I was going back to work, full time, doing admin work; being contracted out to a DoD university. We needed another sitter, because MIL had gotten a job working at Red Envelope for seasonal work, starting in November. Cool beans for her. I was talking to an SD Mom and she lives just up the street from where I work. She has a 15 month old son of her own. I asked her if she'd be able to watch Bella, dropping her off around 6:45 every morning and being there between 3:25 and 3:30 every afternoon. I told her what I'd be able to pay her and she talked it over with her husband. She said, sure let's give it a trial run for a week. Trial run went really well. Bella and Robbie got along FAMOUSLY. Then, Bella gets sick (totally random) last Wednesday. No fever, just not feeling very well. She threw up all over her blankets and stuff in the pack and play (which the new sitter provided; I offered our pack and play). I take half the day off from work. Tuesday this week, she has a major poopie blowout. We call it "butt explosion." She said it was green and that green poop is a sign of a viral infection. Okay, whatever. She had green veggies for lunch the day before; that seems to be a pretty good explanation. Besides, Bella has at least 2-3 butt explosions a week. This is normal. She had to be put in the change of clothes I supplied. Then yesterday. She throws up once, not happy. She throws up a second time, getting it all over her clothes, the blankets and the pack and play. Heather tells me she doesn't feel comfortable watching Bella until she sees a doctor. I don't like going to the doctor for the sniffles or a tummy ache; I self-medicate. I wasn't about to take Bella to the doctor because she wasn't feeling well. Besides, all the doc would say is to keep giving her Tylenol every four hours, try to keep her hydrated (picked up Gerber LiquiLite last night) and make sure she gets plenty of rest. No biggie. She also sprung on me yesterday morning that, "...due to personal and financial reaons/issues, I can't watch Bella after the first." Personal reaons/issues (I don't remember exactly how she worded it) made me think, "Oh okay, the Christian is having trouble watching a Pagan child of a Pagan mother." Financial reasons/issues makes me think, "Umm, as far as I knew, you weren't getting any $150 before I started paying you, so what's the fucking deal?"

So, I came home, had my ATP meeting, vented to them (lovely ladies, they are) and once MIL was off the phone, told her, briefly, what happened. Also told hubby what happened. We all agreed it was just a cop-out to not watch Bella anymore (she just didn't want to) so MIL will watch her during the interim of finding a new sitter (I think I know of one) and her getting another job (she left RE; they reprimanded her for using slang.. apparently saying "You're totally welcome," is slang.. she also forgot to sign out of ONE program and they reprimanded her for that.. she's still a new employee.. no "strike" system? Fuckers.).

Why is it so fucking hard to find a good sitter? I know I can't afford much but SHIT PEOPLE!! If $150 isn't going to be enough to cover any extra expenses you have, let me fucking know ahead of time! Also, if you just don't want to watch Bella anymore, just fucking tell me!!! Don't give me some fuckng roundabout reason why you "can't" watch her when you just don't "want" to watch her. I sent Heather a text message last night saying not to worry about the rest of the month, MIL is going to watch her (good for nothing sitter) until I find a new one. Besides, she gave me a list of days she couldn't watch Bella.. it's practically the rest of the fucking month ANYWAY. So, I'm stopping by her house after work today to drop off $40 (keep the change, sweetheart) and to pick up the never-watched Baby Einstein DVDs (which I paid about $100 for and they're never watched anymore). Maybe they'll be watched now after music videos are over, since there are some others now that Bella could watch, or at least listen to, now that she's older.

I kind of feel better. Thanks for listening.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Emails Between Sisters

Much of this has been posted here, as a normal blog. Finally told my sister about things last month.

I wrote:
November 18, 2007 - Still not sure what's going on inside my head. One day, I want to talk to somebody and the next, I think it's a dumb idea my sub-conscious came up with for attention. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do; I was so upset on Saturday (four of our friends Chris & Liz and Aaron & Cathy had cancelled [for legit reasons]). I had looked over those who hadn't responded and just lost it. I did two very nasty sounding bulletins on MySpace (that's how I got the word out to most everyone) after seeing that the majority of the folks I'd sent invitations to, hadn't even said Maybe (which I would have been fine with). That was the last straw; I promptly went upstairs, closed the door to my bedroom and sobbed. I know it was something minor but I feel that it really didn't help my state of mind, considering where it had been the previous days. When he [Patrick] didn't see me, he got the same feeling he did a few years ago, when he found me in a closet (in our place in IB). I'd gotten really depressed and didn't know what to do. So, I crawled into our closet, closed the door and cried myself to sleep. I knew he was a keeper when he found me and talked to me saying, "I'll stay up until 3am if I have to, to make sure you're okay. Start talking." Any previous relationships wouldn't have done that (except the one I was afraid of committing to; you never met him).


Bubbles wrote:
November 19, 2007 - I think you need to go see someone. It may not be post partum depression. maybe you're just depressed. It does run in the family, from Grandma down at least. I think it would help you a lot to talk to someone. Even if it is just to get things off your chest, and I don't think that person is anyone in the family. I wish I could help you. Love you.


I wrote:
November 19, 2007 - It seems so silly though (once I sit and think about it). I know it may be frustrating for you, hearing me go on and on, saying I want to go talk to somebody and then just change my mind the next day because I thought about it more.. thinking it's a stupid reason to talk to someone; or that I think I just may be blowing things out of proportion. I'm glad I recognized it now as opposed to being in denial about it for years. I wish you could help too. When I broke down a few years ago, most of it stemmed from issues I had with me, Mom and you. I got it off my chest with Patrick then; sometimes they resurface, but very rarely. I just don't want to be labeled in the category, you know? I'm also afraid that if/when I go (and I told Pat what I told you and he said that he'd drag me there if it comes down to it), and they give me meds, my drive will dwindle even more (I know you don't want to hear about that, but it's a fear I have). My drive is lacking enough as it is, I don't need something to make it worse. I really appreciate your support in this; it helps. A lot. Love you too.


Bubbles wrote:
November 19, 2007 - What issues did you have with me? And don't worry, if you really need to talk about something never forget that you're my sister. We're family, and you don't turn your back on family. My drive died last year, Jaden told me about it a couple of months ago.


I wrote:
November 19, 2007 - The issues, I guess, were mostly academically based. You were the rebel of the two of us, yet you got better grades, therefore shone brigther in front of Mom. I also felt kind of outcast because, without me in the picture, you guys were a "full" family and I barely even knew my own dad. I remember one time, we were in the kitchen (Utah) and we were bickering about something. Grandma Faye had sent us those gold heart necklaces for Christmas; mine was an outline and yours was solid. You told me that Grandma Faye loved you more because your heart was whole and mine wasn't. There was also that time in junior high school that I told you about the other day. I asked you if you knew where Mom was (it was after school, I think). You looked me straight in the eye and said she died in a car crash; you then walked off non-chalantly about the whole thing. I should have picked up on it then, but you know how naive I was then. And I'll admit, I still am a bit now. I always felt I was in your shadow. I was envious of you for a long time. The ONE time I decided to rebel, Mom popped off with (and I quote), "I don't need another 'Amber'!" At that time you were extremely rebellious; you and Tanya were hanging out a lot. I was also pissed off that you'd stolen, not one, but two of my friends. Granted, I had others, but Tanya and Jaz were my friends first. I asked them later why they started hanging out with you more and they both said, "She's more fun than you." Broke my heart to hear that; I didn't realize that I was so boring. I could never match you in anything. I felt you were Mom and Dad's "Golden Child" who could do no wrong, no matter how rebellious she got; she had good grades so it made up for everything. I felt they let you get away with just about everything you did, yet I got it a lot. Mom hit me once. She was yelling at me in the kitchen because I hadn't cleaned my room. I wasn't saying anything; my face was emotionless (as it normally got when I was yelled at; I'd get paralyzed from the neck down). She got more pissed so she punched me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. She then proceeded to punch a hole in the wall (near the thermostat), stormed to my room downstairs (still had the pink room) and ripped apart the first thing she saw; this happened to be my FAVORITE book (Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry). She replaced it years later but I never forgave her for it. I told her about it some time ago and I don't think she even remembered the events of that night. I don't think she remembers hitting me (close-fisted; it was a punch/hit not a smack or a slap). She had a look of horror on her face when I told her; at least, that's how I remember it. I know I wasn't the best kid but still... you don't punch your child, no matter how pissed off you get. If anything, you leave the room so as not to hurt your child. I also felt that you and Mom always had a better connection because you're both the "youngest" sibling. I realize that happens with just about any family, but at the time, it hurt pretty bad. I felt Mom favored you a lot; I'm pretty sure Dad did too. You were his; I wasn't. I needed his attention. I needed to know that he wanted me around instead of telling me that I was a "...fuck-up bum." I felt as though there was a lot of psychological abuse on his part. He's a big reason why I rarely ever had confidence in myself to do things. He already knew I was going to fail. When I was in "A" school, I was telling Mom about APP (or whatever it was) and getting Honors. When I was home on leave and didn't have anything to show for it (I actually barely came out with a rating.. I got a 70-something) he asked me where the hell was it. I know I've fucked up (a lot) the last several years; the car was the last straw. That was the incident that prompted the "...fuck-up bum." I don't think that man every had a single ounce of genuine confidence in me whatsoever. That was when my cutting was at its worst; I did about 30 in one night (this was after the accident). Though, come to find out later, that it was Mom's idea, not his, for me to leave the house. He wanted me to stay (something about he didn't think I was ready or something); Mom told me this a few years ago. I know he wasn't raised in a super home, but I would hope that he'd have picked up on something from Mom. I don't know. I realize that I don't know everything to do with his childhood, but I'd like to be able to understand. I still have confidence issues because of his lack of confidence in me. He told me once that he had to sit and THINK about asking me to help him with something (Utah), because he knew that I'd fuck it up somehow; this was when he was trying to run copper wiring from the basement to the roof. I was doing it how he showed me and it got kinked. He got pissed and said, "I knew I shouldn't have asked you to help me." How do you say that to a kid?! That was when he told me he had to think about getting me to help him. Oh! Yeah, that summer you and Bryan came out, when the accident happened and I started cutting... I tried crying out for help to Mom. The first time, I was watching a tv movie on USA called "Secret Cutters" and watching it very intently. Mom came in, said, "Well, this is depressing; let's watch something else." To which I said, "Fine," and went downstairs to watch it. Later, she saw the cuts on my arms. I didn't hear, "Oh my God what happened? Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" No, I heard, "Why are you doing that?" "I'm depressed and upset." "Oh, well, don't do it anymore." That's when I really gave up on her. She didn't see that I need help, her help, my Mother's help and support. You know who got me to stop cutting? My friends from the wedding. Bird, Kat, Midget, all of them. They were the support that I needed from Mom. The scars are still there and part of the reason I want half sleeve tattoos is to cover them up with better memories (tattoos for the kid[s]). That turned out to be longer than expected. I know you had your own issues from that time to deal with; I haven't really told too many people about mine. Patrick knows (obviously) and I mentioned a few things to Dee and a select few close friends.


Bubbles wrote:
November 20, 2007 - I didn't realize that it was that bad. I don't remember telling you mom had died. I guess neither one of us really enjoyed being a kid. You remember a lot more than I do. I don't remember mom hitting you in the chest, I thought it was across the back and she felt really bad about it afterwards and you were laying on your stomach on the couch with ice on your back. Maybe that was a different time. Trust me, I don't know my dad either. He never asked me for help with anything, he barely talked to me. He still barely talks to me. He said more to Jaden than to me the last time I saw him. I gave up on him when I think I was 12. He was putting in the sprinklers in the front yard and I tried to bond with him. He barely acknowledged I was there. Mom probably should have been on anti depressants when we lived in Utah, it would have made things a lot easier on everyone. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

I wrote:
November 20, 2007 - I don't even remember her hitting me in the back. Wow. I never really thought it was that bad for either of us; since we've gotten older and had a chance to talk to each other more, I guess we've realized there was a helluva lot more going on with the other than we thought. It is good to get it out though. Pat still really hasn't talked to him much either. I mean, he could have at the rehearsal dinner, but he got stuck on the grill all night.And that was it.



I could have started cutting when I was going through all of that wonderful bullshit when we lived in Utah, yet I did not. I keep wondering why; it's not like anybody would have noticed then. Oh yeah, I've recently joined a group on CafeMom.com for Cutters (current and recovering) and posted in "parts" journals I'd posted in 2002 about when I did cut, to get my story out there. It felt a little better, though sometimes I feel like I am my own trigger sometimes.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Arthiritis

I think I have arthritis. My fingers started hurting like crazy (the joints) 2-3 days before it rained [today]. I pop my fingers regularly and I'm sure that doesn't help much.

I can't wait for the day to end. I want to go home. I want to take a nap, too. Maybe before I leave work, I can take a cat nap.

Need to pay the baby sitter today.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

So Fearful

Now I know being a new mom, almost everything would seem to be blown out of proportion when it comes to your first child. I'd like to think I'm not one of those parents and that I'm realistic. Here's what got me thinking about it.

Yesterday, I picked up Belladonna early from the sitter. She had thrown up during her nap and wasn't going back down. She would also be fine one minute, crying the next. I noticed a runny nose dropping her off that morning; she was licking the snot from her upper lip! Ewww.. gross!

Anyway, I figured she just has a cold, so after getting home, gave her some Tylenol, a bottle and put her down to finish her nap (slept for about an hour and a half). The whole time she slept, I kept wondering, "Is she okay?" I wasn't going to take her to the hospital unless there was a temperature; the sitter did that and said there was none.


I was checking on Bella more often than normal yesterday. With it being cold season and nearing the end of the possibility of SIDS (I think; I could very well be wrong with that information), I was just paranoid as hell with her sleeping. I know she needed her rest, but I couldn't help it.
She's my world; I'd die if something happened to her. I don't even know if I'd be up for trying for another baby if something happened to her. I give props to those who have lost and have tried again for another. You are very strong women. I'm strong, but not that strong. I'd break down and not come back up, no matter how much my husband helped me. Devastation and sorrow; it's a long road back to a happy, cheerful world from there.


Bella's fine. Just a cold; nothing Tylenol and Vicks Baby Rub won't help. :) She's a bit more cuddly and willing to sit in your lap; at least, she was with me yesterday. I really like that. I love it when she's just sitting in my lap, playing with whichever toy she's got in her hand. Her giggle, the way her eyes light up when she smiles.. melt my heart. I can't imagine my life without her..

..so I won't.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Is It Really A Wonder?

A friend of mine left a comment on a recent blog saying that it's no wonder I haven't broken down yet. She said that I've been through a lot lately. This could be true (I'm not discrediting her) but I see it as me just living my life, dealing and handling what's been given to me.

I know that the people who count have the faith in me that I need. When I was in boot camp, I was being strong for all those girls who were away from their families for the first time. They'd cry and sob and cry some more, everyday wondering if they'd made the right choice. Every time, I was there, helping them through it. I'd been away from my family before (five months after graduation) and was just fine then. I didn't cry during those five months. I suppose, while in boot camp, when I thought it was safe, I broke down a bit and cried; I missed my mother and my friends. I was actually really fucking disappointed that they didn't write as often as they said they would. I even sent them STAMPS to write me! One of the girls sleeping near me, heard. She asked if I was okay; I think I said yes.

The last several years of my life are here on my blog. Is there anything you can see to explain all that I've been through? Maybe I have a shield over my eyes, because I can't see anything. There's a journal I had before this one, if anyone wants to peruse it, just to see..


www.sybil.deadjournal.com

Yup, that's me. Thoughts?

What Is It...

...about Christmas music that makes some depressed and sad?

I was listening to Bing Crosby this morning and The Carpenters, and started getting really sad. One would say, "Well, then don't listen to Christmas music if it gets you sad and stuff." Good point, but I seem to be a glutton for punishment, and pick up more and more Christmas music every year (so far, a favorite is NSYNC's Christmas album, followed by Mariah Carey and 98 Degrees [yup, they did one too] but Jewel not so much).

I digress.

Thanksgiving was nice yesterday. We picked up my buddy Mike (friend since 6th grade!) on the way to Amber's. There were two turkeys (a ten and a fifteen pounder) to be deep fried, a yummy carrot and Velveeta cheese casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, dinner rolls, cornbread muffins, sweet potato pie. Good stuff. They put out a good spread. :)


Bella wouldn't stop walking yesterday. It was too cool. She was getting into everything, but again, it was too cute. I could compare it to my walking Easter Sunday and not stopping. It's cool though because you'd hold her, put her on her feet, let go.. and she'd go walking. I'm so proud of my baby girl.

It's funny. I've been Pagan for several years now, yet still find great joy in listening to Christmas music (though the above would like you to believe otherwise). Even the secular music I enjoy ("O Holy Night" is still my favorite, as well as "Carol of the Bells").

If my voice were feeling better, I'd be hitting that same high note Mariah just hit. I know I can do it. If I can do the high notes in "Saving All My Love For You" by Whitney Houston, I can sure as hell do Mariah Carey. I can even do that high note in "Take On Me" by A-Ha.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I Miss It... maybe a symptom?

I know that I'm in no way ready for another one, as Bella is a big enough handfull, but I miss being pregnant. It was such a wonderful time in my life. I looked great, felt great (most of the time, anyway). I miss watching my belly grow with a baby in it. I miss feeling said baby moving around inside. There are at least five women I know of who are pregnant, and I think it's safe to say I'm kind of envious. I know those who read this may think, "Are you sure you don't want another one really soon?" The answer is yes. I don't want another baby until Bella can use the potty all by herself; I don't want two in diapers, if I can help it.

I say "symptom" in the title, because, well, I'm not feeling myself. I'm sure I've posted about it somewhere. I'll copy and paste.

Just needing a little help here deciphering some symptoms.. gradually building up over the last few weeks. You know how everyone has their mopey days and days of just feeling off? The last time I had it really bad was a few years ago (with hubby but before we got married); mild depressive state, I think. (runs in the family though.) Anyway, up until the last one or two, they could be signs of pregnancy. Unless I'm in that tiny percent, I know I'm not (though the last period was VERY light, lighter than normal).

I wonder if it’s depression or just what’s been going on the last few weeks (not just CM, but also the fires and whatnot). I made a list before leaving work yesterday…
-inability to focus at work
-frequent mood swings
-lack of sex drive
-feeling bored
-easily distracted
-just want to sleep/stay in bed all day
-sometimes feel like crying for no reason
-change in eating habits
-seemingly withdrawn and attempting to compensate (ie: inviting lots of people over)
-constant vertigo (the last few days)

Clarification, I'm in San Diego and we nearly had to evacuate from the fires. Didn't have to but we did anyway; we were very worried.

The stuff with CafeMom being all the hatred and religious debate from some of the Christians on the site to the Pagans, Atheists, Agnostics.. basically anyone who doesn't believe as they do. I've made posts of my own about it in my journal so I won't copy here. Just feeling very drained and exhausted no matter how much sleep I get (or how little). It's all the same. Yesterday I barely smiled and I smile a lot.


I've toyed with the idea of going to counseling and talking to someone but in my mind, this says, there really is something wrong with me. my sister has gone as well as my mother (who was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe depression). I really don't want it getting to that point.

Hmm.. okay. With the last period I had, I didn't even need to use a pad, liner or tampon, but I know I was on it. I get it the same week of every month (now) on Thursday or Friday; never a miss. Haven't taken a pregnancy test; kind of afraid to at this point. But, I'll wait until I don't see anything to be sure.

I will keep you posted as things arise. This vertigo sucks the most of all the symptoms. It doesn't happen when I drive though. I've tried eating something in the mornings and drinking more water again; still nothing. Oy. I've been taking caffeine pills some mornings; they didn't always do this though. Really, it's only been this week I've felt the vertigo.

Some days, I want to go and talk to a professional and get out all the issues I've got going on in my head. Other days, I don't because I've told my husband about them. He supports me in any decision I make. If I feel this is important to me [seeking pro help] then he'll support me in it.

I used to think it was post-partum, but Bella's nearly a year old; isn't it a little late for post-partum? There are many many instances when I'm driving and I'm only barely aware of what's going on. I'm not entirely focused on what I'm doing; half the time, Bella's in the car! I snap out of it in time for extreme traffic (lots of brake lights, etc.) but I'm afraid if the wrong people find out about that, things will go south, even when I try not to. A friend of mine wa exhibiting similar symptoms and a medical professional told her she had post-partum. This was several months ago and I felt for her; mostly, because I could definitely relate! What gets me is she's my old RDC (Recruit Division Commander; Navy's answer to the drill sergeant in boot camp). I looked up to her for so many reasons. We became friends after I left boot camp; she had her son about a month after Bella was born.

I'm just very confused.. like I said, I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill; when I verbalize some of the things I'm feeling, I feel silly, like I'm making them up for attention. I'm clearly not, but my mind likes to tell me otherwise.

I feel as though my walls are falling down (in the bad way) and I'm no longer strong. I'm no longer that strong person I know that I am. I feel as though I've been faking smiles and happy attitudes. You may hear a genuine laugh but it's been very difficult to really really enjoy myself. I see going to a therapist as me getting to the point where I've lost all control and strength and there is nothing to bring me back to happiness.

My family is supportive, for the most part. I won't go to my mother, for a few reasons. Reason one, but not the first to happen, being her own professional diagnosis. Reason two being when I needed her most, she did nothing. When I tried to call out to her, she turned a deaf ear. When she did find out, she scolded me for what I was doing to myself, instead of trying to find out why and helping me. This is one reason why I don't really hold much faith in my mother; my mother-in-law wouldn't do this. If she saw something was wrong or that I wasn't myself, things had changed with me so slightly, she'd want to know what was wrong. She wouldn't turn that deaf ear or scold me. My sister is supportive; I love her so much for that.

Belladonna, my baby who is becoming a toddler (*sniff*), makes my day every single day. Her smile, her giggle, her TEETH! Her eyes light up when she sees Mommy; she crawls so quickly to me when I pick her up from the baby sitter. Soon, she'll be walking quickly to the door and soon after that, she'll be running to the door for Mommy.

I feel the tears welling up inside. Don't know if there's any stopping them.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

On A Brighter Note ...

Belladonna took four steps night before last! Yay Baby Bella!!

All Apologies

This is largely taken from a journal I posted elsewhere. Comments are welcome at either location.

I do owe an apology, I think. In an attempt to open the minds of those who have theirs closed, I got heated and upset; mostly because they had no desire to open their minds and accept that not everything is bad or evil when concerning those not of their faith (Christianity, as a whole). I don't want to be saved and I don't need to heard the word. I was an Episcopalian for ten years. I know the word and know it well; I know it well enough to realize that it's not for me. If I've offended you, I do apologize, as it was not my intention. I don't like backing down from things now that I've grown a spine (it's taken years for this, mind you) and learned that I can voice my opinion. Had I done this several years ago, I would have cried the second someone told me off. Yet, I almost feel wrong apologizing. I voiced my opinion on things (which we're all entitled to) and when a blind ear and closed mind were turned, it just upset me more. Please, do not pray for me to find my way back to the herd, as I do not wish to return.

I am Pagan, and I'm proud to be one. I will not shove those beliefs down anyone's throat. If I'm asked what I believe, how to classify myself, I tell them, I'm Pagan, a Druidic Witch. I am very happy to be where I am. I'm sorry if you don't understand; there is nothing I can do to open your mind and be accepting of those different from you. I'm sorry you feel the need to pray for me. As I said before, please don't. There is no need to pray for me or family. There is no need to save me as I do not wish to be saved. Let me be, please.

Yes, I was rash about things in posts earlier this week. It was not my intention to come off the way I did. I feel as though I should apologize but at the same time, it feels odd to do it. I'm not ashamed of who and what I am. I proudly wear my pentacle necklace. I proudly display those things which symbolize my faith, as those Christians do by wearing their crosses, having their statues of the Virgin Mary (some Pagans feel this is another incarnation of the Goddess, but I digress), and Saints. This is all fine, there's nothing wrong with it. Just please... accept that we're different and leave it at that. Please refrain from telling us we're going to hell or that we're devil worshippers (we believe in neither). If you want to debate, do your research; chances are very good that the Pagans you're talking to were Christian at one point in time during their life, so they already know about Christianity. Before you debate, do some reading.

There was another journal post (aside from the below link) in which I loudly voiced my opinions. I believe it was Shanna's post-reply to the "Instead of Got Milk, Why Not Got Jesus?" post originally made on her page. The two women were mature in their replies and explanations to one another- I'll admit that I got carried away with it.

Here is the link which sparked this post.


http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read.php?post_id=553314&next=1#comments

No matter what anyone says, I'm not straying from where I am now. I've never been happier, in fact. I thought I was happy as an Episcopalian. I had a great time and I adored the people I knew. But I knew it wasn't the right place for me. The Universe had other intentions.

There were posts/comments that I made to one of the many "Golden Compass Not What It Seems" posts that may have been offensive to someone or another. I felt I had to atone (be the better person) and show that I'm not like one of those people who tries to tell people until she's blue in the face that Pagans aren't bad people because they don't go to church (we just have to be in nature and we're there), we don't pray (spell work and conversations with the Goddess), we aren't baptized, etc. I dunno.

I'm very strongly opinionated and have within the last few years, attained the testicular fortitude to voice those opinions.. sometimes without thinking about how it [negatively] affects others.

Below is the link to the "instead of 'got milk' how about 'got jesus'" journal that Shanna posted, and I replied to. There are nearly 200 replies though, so I don't know if you want to read all of that.

http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read.php?post_id=537704&next=1#comments

Here are some responses to the above journal.

"All minds should be open. At least yours is, and you shouldn't feel bad for expressing yourself. The evangelicals will say anything they can to make you doubt yourselves, and the true Christians will sit back and not say a word, as true Christians will do. I, myself, am atheistic or nontheistic, but still respect everyones' right to their beliefs, provided, they do as you say and not preach to me about things that I will never change my mind about."

"Tam, I always find your post well thought and well stated. I don't know what was said that you would owe an apology for, so I cannot say that you shouldn't apologize. I hope you realize that you only need to apologize for the wrong words you used, and not the feeling behind them. You should never apologize for your beliefs. Your beliefs are beautiful, peaceful and right for you.

I went back and read what you wrote and all I have to say now is: Wow, you think you need to apologize? You are a better man than I am, Gunga Din. I hope you got an apology in return!

BTW - Totally agree with you on the Golden Compass. I read the books and could not figure out where they "Killed God". I applaud you (and everyone else) who is out to fight this smear campaign. My sister was not going to let her boys see this because of this campaign. I was able to change her mind (they really wanted to see it). Hope you are able to open other minds!"

"I'm proud of you for the being the bigger person and apologizing, although, I too do not feel that it was necessary. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs...I, myself, no longer have a religion or belief. I was, at one time, baptised and accepted the "lord" as my savior, but I have strayed from those beliefs and found that having none suits my lifestyle better. I chose not to believe in anything because I do not want to be hypocritical. :) "

Thursday, November 08, 2007

yup kidneys

Grampa is going in for surgery on kidney stones tomorrow. My stepmom said he is in good spirits.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Death... moving on?

I didn't have this blog then, so those who do read this blog may have no idea.

In June 2004, my grandmother (favorite mind you) passed away. It hit hard and I still want to cry about it every now and again (particularly, that month). We really didn't expect my grandfather to live much longer after her passing, but he has. As I said to my mother this morning, "He's a stubborn, ol' coot." And he is. He is resiliant.

He's also in the hospital for his liver (I think; it may have been kidneys.. I think it's the kidneys). No idea how serious it is. My step-Mom sent an email to my Mom, in response to my mother's daily meditation emails, letting her know what's going on.

I don't know what to do. If he leaves us, I have no way to get back there. I want to bring Patrick and Belladonna with me. I want to see my grandmother again. The last time I really thought about her was April 2005; when Patrick and I got married. We received a card in the mail from Vicky (one of my dad's sisters) and in it she mentioned that "she" was watching over us on the day. I cried. I could read it again for several months.

I had no idea her death still affects me to this day. I may be crying throughout the day because of the pain I remember feeling. I'd say just send me home for the day, but I need the money for today's work.

If we were to hop on a plane mid-week of November 19, for instance, and stayed until Sunday, plus hotel, it would be $369/person, which isn't bad at all. But, I'm almost willing to bet my dad would have us staying at their house.

I really hope he hangs on a bit longer. I don't want to lose him so soon (it seems) after she passed away.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Almost Cried This Morning!

I dropped Bella off with a new sitter this morning. I'd met her before at a Mom's Night Out function. It was easier doing this when she was smaller. I was there with her for a couple of minutes, to let the sitter (who has a 14/15 month old of her own, little boy) know about Baby Bella and I brought in a few blankets from the car that smell like home. She was just fine playing with the balls that go with the Fisher-Price green dinosaur thing (you might know it if you saw it), and she started crawling around, exploring. I gave her lovin's and kisses, saying, "Being a good girl, Bella." I'd hate for her to not to be herself; she's such a happy baby! Triana, Alyssa, Narn and Shen can attest to this! It looked like she was having a good time. And then Mommy pulls away. Bella gets this confused look on her face; then it looks like she's going to cry, as if to say, "Mommy, where you going?!"

It was heartbreaking. Maybe we should have gone over there together a few times beforehand? But when would we have been able to do this? I kinda just waited until nearly the last minute to ask her to watch Bella. I thought it would be convenient, seeing as how she lives maybe five minutes from where I work (makes it easier to drop her off later and pick her up sooner from the sitter).

Granted, there's a lady who spoke up to watch Bella who lives in the neighborhood just next to mine. We'd be dropping off Bella a LOT earlier than just before 7am and picking her up after 4pm, at least. But, it's not what I want; it's what will work for the sitter. We're giving this week a trial run. I do hope it works, but I'm not going to pressure her about it.

Hopefully, Bella will get used to it again; she hasn't really had a sitter other than Gramma since May. The sitter and I can keep in touch via CafeMom and she also has my cell number now.
Today is going to be hard.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Grades Thus Far...

I took my second-to-last test for my Principles of Business Management class (not counting the course survey) yesterday. Tallied them up and my overall grade so far in this class is a 77.2%. Introduction to Marketing is 78%. Overall, it looks like I have a high C for both classes. The next one is College Algebra... not so sure about that one. I'll take as long as I need to for that class; I can't continue on until that course is completed as it's a pre-requisite for the class after it.

Triana and Alyssa came down from Long Beach today. Alyssa wants to get her dress blues uniform together for the holiday next Sunday. Patrick took them down there, so I'm home with the kids for time being. When they get back, he and Jeffrey will go up to Victorville so Jeffrey can go home. While they're gone, I guess Alyssa and Triana were wanting to take me out to dinner. This is super! Patrick just needs to put Bella's car seat in Alyssa's car, since I'm not sure how he put it in my car.

Really not much going on. Ron's in town, so Mom isn't going to be here for about a week, meaning we get to take care of Angel. She doesn't have much dry food left and it's available by prescription only. I don't think we can just go to the store and pick up a bag. Hopefully with this new job she got, she can get some more. Not sure what we'll do for her otherwise.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Changes all around

So... I opened the "old" blog but under a different name. You'll no longer find the good old postings here from when I started this blog. If you want those, message me and I'll get you the new link.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Pissy too

I'm really pissy lately too.

I wish I could figure it out.

Any takers?

Sensitive

This is very strange. There have been several times in the last month when I've been overly sensitive about things being said of me, about me or around me. I take things too personally, end up hearing what I want to hear.

I'm trying to figure out how to fix this, but I'm not even sure how. I wish I knew the cause.

Monday, October 15, 2007

New job

So far the new job is working out pretty well. I'm getting paid nearly twice what I was making in the retail world, getting more hours (because I want them and not because I just happened to get them) and doing stuff I enjoy.. sort of.



I like doing admin work. I'm young enough that I won't get burned out on it. While at work, if I have down time, I do my school work. Last week, it was my business management class; this week, it's marketing. I took my business management lesson test over the weekend. My average for the class is a low B, but it's a B. I really don't want to get lower than a B- in ANY class.

To be continued another time.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Ah, the life of schoolwork

I started school recently. It's all online, so I can work at my own pace. This is very cool in just about every aspect. Except for the days when I don't really feel like doing said school work. At first, I thought I could do one chapter a day from each of the two books and do the end of lesson tests on the weekends. This didn't work out. Instead, I'm taking a week per set of lessons and then taking the test on the weekend. So far it's working out much better than the last routine.

So, I'm working toward my Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration. I'm only doing this part time and, from what I can gather from my current school work schedule, it's the best thing I can do right now. I'm taking An Introduction to Marketing and Principles of Business Management. Last week, I did the Management lessons and took two tests; one was multiple choice and the other was ten essays. Actually, the first test I took I got an 80%, which is great for me. The two tests after the next set of lessons, I got a 70% (ouch) and then a 98%, which brought up the overall grade to a high C+. I can only hope to keep it at a B- (at least). The Marketing class... yeah, not nearly as fond of it. I think I have a high C+ in it. I have one more chapter to go before taking the next test. Hopefully, I'll get a good enough grade on it to raise my overall grade.

I should be getting a check in the mail for my GI Bill here in a couple of months (it takes something like 13-14 weeks for those things to come in) and I'll be giving all of it to the school I'm attending. I can pocket the remaining checks if I want to, but I think I want to try and keep up with school payments. Just in case, I'm going to just keep sending them the money.

I guess this is a silly post, but I felt the need to post something on here. It's been too long. Adn to think this thing used to be addicting. I guess I have other outlets now. I'm still going to try very very hard to keep this updated.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Breast Cancer Site

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman.. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'donating a mammogram' for free (pink window in the middle).

This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

So many things

First I want to start off by saying thank-you to Angie; read the following to find out why.

Today was a decent day at work. I was getting my "quota" in for the time I was on a register (I work at Babies R Us) and doing a pretty good job (10 in four hours is bad for me, but everyone else is REALLY good, lol). Anyway, I wear my necklaces to work (one has a moon pentacle, with an ankh on one side and a unicorn head on the other; my other one is a large circlular Celtic knot pendant that I got from a friend of mne, apparently it didn't want her anymore). Anyway, this mother and her daughter came through my line with a purchase. The mother said that she really liked my pendant. Come to find out SHE'S PAGAN! I was ecstatic and happy and it helped my day. On her way out, she said, "Blessed Be." Unforunately I was only able to get out "Blessed" before my next customer put their stuff on the counter. It made me feel great today and I had a much better outlook for the rest of the day.

It felt wonderful to see someone like that come through my line. There was someone else on another register and they came to mine. I wanna say it was almost empowering to see another who shared the same beliefs I do... and in a baby store of all places!! I mean, there are a couple of other girls there who follow a spiritualistic path (be it Druidic, Wiccan, etc.) but they don't really say it. At least we know with each other, right? I keep wishing that woman will come back but she lives in northern California. :( Because of today's society though, I almost couldn't get out the word "Blessed" when she said "Blessed Be" to me. I know it's still looked down upon, no matter where you go (at least it seems that way), so I find it difficult to return the greeting. I despise that fact. I'm hoping to work on it. Maybe when someone tells me "God Bless" I'll return with "Blessed Be" or "Goddess Bless" just to see if I can get the words out of my mouth without fearing a look from someone...

I feel comfortable with my beliefs and feelings; I feel comfortable knowing that my views differ from those around me. I'm hoping that Bella will grow to not even think about the religion of other people. I hope she grows up without having to deal with the scrutiny and prejudice my sister and I dealt with when she and I were younger. No kid should have to go through that. I don't care what creed, color, religion, whatever you are; so long as we can get along without any problem, it's fine. Sure, you believe in one god; I happen to believe in many. You have a weekly, sometimes twice a week, service in a building for your one god; I can go into my backyard any day of the week for my many.

My friend Dew put it rather well to me:

"..I am a Spiritualist..I walk a Pagan Path. It's all about love and respect for one another, and Mother Earth..."

This is how I feel. Dew is a wonderful person and though I've never met her, I'm sure we'd get along fine if we were to actually meet. I value her opinions and thoughts, as well as those on my main message board, www.witch.net. There are wonderful people there. I've had the priviledge of only meeting a few of them. I would love to meet the rest of them.

That's really it.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Belladonna's First Birthday

Okay, I know it's still awhile off buuuuuuuuuuuttt... I'm already planning things.

If anyone wants to look into things to get her for her first birthday, go to www.babiesrus.com and type in my first and last name. I don't really expect anything (I know we all have things that we need to get for our own family, so it's okay), but if anyone would like to.

I'm also trying to find a theme. Silly idea, I know. http://www.celebrateexpress.com/celebration/Refine.aspx?N=4294967145&Ns=sort13&TabID=4294967146&pageID=0&iRec=50&vw=aslisi is the website for the themes. I'm not sure which one to pick! I don't want a girly girl theme because she's not a girly girl and no pink. Any ideas?

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I really hate this

It happened again. I dreamed of the first love again. He was the same as I remember from 1999, only taller. Started talking with him, gave him a quick shoulder massage. "You were always really good at that," I seem to remember him saying. Nothing past that.
Why am I having these dreams?!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Reasons why I HATE retail

I tried going to sleep but couldn't because I had this "rant" going through my head. The scenario is me at my own store as a customer and I catch someone unpacking something.


Me: Excuse me?

Them: Yes?

Me: What do you think you're doing there?

Them: Nothing really.

Me: Why are you taking that out of the package?

Them: I want to see what it looks like.

Me: Why? It gives you the perfect picture of it plus the measurements for it.

Them: That may be but I still want to see it.

Me: Could you humor me for a minute?

Them: Okay...

Me: Okay. Imagine you work in a store, very much like the one you're in right now. Imagine that you're getting paid minimum wage, working anywhere between 25 and 40 hours a week. Imagine that the only gratitude you really get out of working at the store is, for instance, seeing all of the new babies and their parents and helping those parents get the best items they can for their new child.

Them: Of course..

Me: Not done yet. Please let me finish. Imagine you're working four full shifts in a row, coming in at 9:30 am and leaving for the day at 7:30pm, barely having enough time to get your 30 minute clocked out lunch break (it's a busy busy day). Imgaine coming in that morning and, after a quick morning meeting and opening the doors to the public, you grab your departmental phone and walk through the department you're working in. For all intended purposes, let's say the Bedding department (what a coincidence; that's where we are now!). Now, you would hope to see everything in perfect order as you had left it when you left from work the day before; after all, you spent at least half your shift making it look appealing and nice for your customers. Knowing how it looked, imagine going through those aisles now and seeing your hard work messed up. That's right; nothing is how you left it.

Them: But I ...

Me: Not finished yet. Now, you don't want that mess to be seen your customers, so you take it to your main working station and pile all of the messed up items there to fix. One would think, this is a slow day, I can fix it in a matter of minutes. Wrong assumption. It's very busy for a Tuesday and you've barely put all of the "re-packs" on the desk before you get a few customers needing your assistance. Those re-packs are going to have to wait. After about an hour or so of helping your customers, you go to fix your re-packs, only to find more have popped up in the last sixty minutes. You grab those up and take them to your main working space. You spend the next three hours (at least) re-packing those items and making them look as perfect as possible so that they can be sold along with the others. You end up working through your first 15 minute break. You rush through your lunch when you get it because you know there are more items that need re-packing. Once you feel you've gotten them all to look as good as you can, you get a small rush, lasting around two hours. Once you have the chance to sit down and catch your breath, you notice all of your hard work has been demolished. You spend the rest of your shift fixing things that your customers messed with.

Them: ...

Me: I'm almost done. Do you ever wonder why retail gets to be so expensive? And not just because it's a big name store? Because of people like you. People who take everything out of the package to "see what it really looks like." YOU and only YOU are the reason why prices tend to get so high for something so minor as a blanket or a pillow.

Them: Uhhhh... I...

Me: Please, think about that the next time you want to take something out of the package to "see what it really looks like."

Monday, August 06, 2007

First Love.. get the thoughts away, far away from me

I had another dream again. Another dream about the first love. We were together and happy, a family.

I don't know why though. It's really ... I can't even think of the right word; it's getting to me that much.

He was the same as I remember him, but his face is a little rounder. The feelings, the connection between us was still there and strong.

It upsets me that I still have these unconcious thoughts, these dreams. I have no control over them. I know there are ways to "control" what you dream, but it's so hard Whatever precautions there are, I'd forget to do them.

Akri, I love you

Friday, August 03, 2007

Internet was shut off...

Been awhile it seems.

Deployment is half over.. a little more than half over. :)

Our internet was shut off shortly after my last diary post. We didn't have internet for nearly two weeks. Since our phone and cable are hooked up in the same package, we didn't have those either.

Bella just started saying "baby" yesterday. It's a little broken up, but it's still "baby." I got it on webcam video and posted it here, on MySpace and emailed it to him.

Talked to Shen and Triana today (Alyssa last night) about SeaWorld on Monday. Looks like Ye Olde Man will be here in a matter of hours. Bella and I will get in for free, since we're dependents and we'll have to pay $46.50 for Mom.

Work is going well. I miss the paychecks I got when I was temping, but I wasn't enjoying that as much as I am where I work now. I'm still getting paid every week, but it's half the hourly wages I'm used to and slightly fewer hours. At least I enjoy what I do, right?

Hoping that I can start school soon. I've been trying to get a down payment of $199 to Grantham University so I can start my online classes. If I were able to start when I wanted to, I'd be halfway through my first of five semesters at this point in time. Am I just not meant to go back to school right now?

I'm an Auntie now! My sister Amber gave birth to her son, Darion Allen, at 5:19am on August 1st. He weighed in at 9 pounds 9 ounces and 22 inches long. He was so big he got stuck on the pubic bone, therefore breaking his collarbone upon exiting the womb. His arm is taped to his side to keep him from moving too much. It's weird to think of my sister as a mommy now. She'll do fine.

Not much else going on.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Oops

So, it's been a couple of days... all right all right... MORE than a couple of days... a couple of weeks?

I've been working now for a few weeks; it's great and I love it! It seems like once a week or so, I buy something for Baby Girl. Right now, I'm looking for a costume of a bumble bee for Halloween.

Deployment is almost half done. Yippie!! I'm trying to find something really cute for Bella for when her Daddy comes home.

I'm trying to dye my hair a lighter color today. Hopefully it turns out. Leaving it in for longer than the directions say, just to be sure that it works.

Not much really to blog about.

Bella is doing so great! She started crawling a couple of weeks ago; she's getting into everything now. I love it.

Got new phones (and carrier) so that he and I can call and text each other while he's gone. I went with my first carrier ever --- T-Mobile. If I like it enough when the contract is up, I'll stick with them and drop Sprint (I owe them SO much right now but can't pay any of it; I'm hoping to have it paid off before he gets home).

Saturday, June 30, 2007

simpe post for today

Been a few days.

Got the job. Orientaion was two days this last week. Start fresh on Monday. I'll have the next two weekends off, but after that working at least one day on the weekend.

Did a couple of "music videos" of Bella for him. I hope he likes them. She's in a really cute summery number.

Got some professional pictures done of Bella, finally. I love them.

He has 81 days until he comes home. He got the packages I sent a couple of weeks ago, so that's good. Hopefully he can make the cigarettes last until the next package.

I got two new phones with my first carrier because they can do international calls. It's still going to charge per minute (for example, it's $1.49 to call to and from Singapore. It's twice that for Vietnam. But, at least we can call. There's also text messaging. It's thirty-five cents for him and fifteen cents for me. The phones should be here on Tuesday and his package should go out Wednesday.

The Navy fucked up again. Not only did he not get any extra money on his paycheck for July 1st, but Bella and I have NO HEALTH COVERAGE. We got this taken care of long before he left. I got a bill in the mail for $310. I'm not paying it.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Kiddie Kandids


Pictures of Bella. :) Professional ones. =D

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

10 Statements

Instructions: Write 10 statements, intended to different people.never tell which one is to who things you've always wanted to tell people.
(*one or two may not even be on myspace. -Tam)

1. There are times when I love you, but there are times when your actions speak louder than your words and you upset me. I'm afraid to tell you to your face because I'm afraid it will screw with our friendship.

2. It was interesting having my own "puppy dog" for a couple of years. I got a little worried when special permission was given to go to my school. This was the catalyst for the drift in our friendship, which was rocky, at best, in high school. I'm sorry for treating you the way I did.

3. I forgive too easily, sometimes. My folks were mad for a long time; I think they still are. But I forgive you. I forgive you because you helped so many times the last few years when it was really needed. I appreciate that.

4. I still love you, but no longer in love with you. I'm happy you have a family now and are happy with them. All I ask is that you actually write me an email instead of me writing you one first.*

5. Do you ever wonder how things would have turned out, had things gone further in our relationship? I know it didn't last long, but for the time we were together, it was great. I want you to know that I left the relationship because I got scared; not anything you did. I got scared because I was happy; not an emotion I was used to having when in any kind of relationship. Thank you for our short time together.

6. Was there really closure? I know I had my closure long ago, but sometimes I wonder if you have. I hope you find someone suited well with you, someone you can spend the rest of your life with and be happy.

7. You're an asshole, plain and simple. You're still a child who seems to care about no one but yourself. One day, something will happen to you and you'll wonder why you got such bad karma. You led me on to think you were interested. You never were. You'll have your heart broken and then you'll know how I felt. Someone will flake on you like you did to me countless times. And you will know how I felt.

8. We've had a tough eight years, you and me. Friends to the end and then one fateful year. One summer of bad decisions on all our parts flushed our great friendship down the toilet. I thought I'd lost you forever. I found you again and realized that we'd both finally grown up; that we'd finally matured and realized our mistakes and went passed them. I don't know if I could lose you as a friend again.

9. So many wonderful memories! Thank you for all of them. Denver became a great town after we met and started hanging out. You were there when I needed you and I was there when you needed me. So many nights of crashing out on my bedroom floor after a really late party. Or, was it your floor? I couldn't imagine a better person to watch my Bella when we move back.

10. Did you ever really like me or was I just a lay to you? It was only once, but I felt we could have been more. I took something from you I wish I could give back. I never wanted it. I knew that once it was gone, you'd change. You did. And I'm sorry.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Oh, the days when I was young and stupid

I don't know why but lately I've been thinking about how I lived my life just a few years ago. I was young, stupid and not very safe. After I posted the last time, about the different relationships I had and how unsafe I was with them. I can't tell you how much of the sex was unprotected. I'm lucky to not have anything and not have been a young mother. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it then. And the chances of the guy actually stepping up to the plate to be the unexpected father? HA! Very laughable, of any boyfriend or fling I had. They were all too into what they were doing at the time to play a father. None of them would have taken the responsibility. Granted, Brian was probably one of the more responsible boyfriends I had (Timm's the other one; we didn't even sleep together, which was odd for me then). But even that doesn't mean anything. There are guys out there who are responsible men, but when they find out they've knocked up some chick, they run out the closest door.

I'm so very glad I have my daughter now. I'm glad I waited until now to have a baby, to get married. I used to think I'd never get married. Then I met him and fell for him; it was all over after that. And here we are. Happier than two pigs in a muddy pile of shit. :)

I'm just trying to figure out why I started thinking about this recently. I have no idea.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Why do I think about these things?

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I'd had a baby when I was younger and stupid. Who would I rather be the father? I kept having the thoughts earlier this morning; I have no idea what brought them on. I keep wondering which one of my mistakes would have stepped up to the plate of being an unexpected father. My best bet would have been Ryan, my first, but even then, he was too young for that. He was self-centered at that point in his life, having a relationship just to have one.He's someone I can't believe I had tears over. I pulled my hair out over this guy. I can only think of how much worse it woould have been had we not used protection for the week I went to visit him that October. Things could have gone wrong.I don't know why I started thinking about it this morning. I almost think that had that happened to me, Jeffrey would have someone to play with on the weekends we had him. Even then, I'd still want one more with him. Who knows where these thoughts come from.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Always need what we don't have

So, I gave her the last $20 I had in my wallet. I'll give her the rest of the $55 when he gets paid. Then, hopefully she won't be on my back at all. Then again, I want to keep things good between us in case I need her help in finding another babysitter for Bella.

I have a group inteview set up with Babies R Us on Friday; I'm that desperate for work. I'll work someplace where I won't be getting the $13+/hour I need to live. I filled out online applications for Walmart and Hollywood video.

Found out that the friend of mine I thought was going to be able to watch Bella for me, won't be able to because her husband doesn't think I'll pay her enough. If I were to pay what everyone else pays for childcare, I might as well save myself the money and be a SAHM. The best we can do right now for us to stay above water is to give only $150 for two weeks. I wish I could find something that wasn't leaving me broke.

He's in the double digits now. I think it's around 95 days. His next paycheck should be much better than the last two.

Bella's been really clingy the last couple of days. Then again, she also got her next round of shots. She has two brightly colored bandaids on either thigh. She actually ran a bit of a fever this time, but nothing we couldn't handle. She's a whopping 18 pounds 4 ounces and 28 inches long. We can start giving her cheese and eggs next month and she's able to use sunscreen now. I can also give her yogurt and second stage foods. She's just now getting into size 2 diapers. It's crazy. She'll be a petite one with mommy's rack. Poor girl.

She was also waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I put citrine stone beneath her crib, put a few of my tshirts in her crib and "anointed" an old doll with lavender and rose oils. It seems to help. When she's really fussy, I give her a lavender and Aveeno bath. She still has a little bit of cradle cap, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

Finally cut the crap from around the base of the tree. It took hedgetrimmers to do it. I figure so long as I trim it once a month, it shouldn't get to the point it got to.

We did Father's Day pictures on Friday. I made a few collages with them and emailed those to him. They made his day and put a smile on his face.

Not much else here. Hopefully, work will show itself. Soon. I was supposed to do a prosperity spell when the new moon was growing (Saturday, June 16) but didn't get a chance to that night. I was detained. :( So the mixture is still waiting. Looks like I'll have to wait for the full moon instead.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Jobless = crap

I gave her the $20 in my wallet. She gave me guff about it. I told her it was all I could do and that I was expecting more on this paycheck. I keep hoping more will show up on the next one.

In any case, I'm too tired to bitch about it right now.

Next entry ---
-paying her
-Bella's new sleeping habits
-tree
-father's day pictures

Today, I will try

I'm going to try and get some stuff mailed out to him today. When I'm more awake and coherent. I woke up just before 11 this morning. Bella woke up at twenty to two last night crying; we're not sure why. It could have been she was warm (it's beginning to warm up here now), her teeth (so I gave her tylenol) or that she had a bad dream. We brought her downstairs and Dee held her for a bit. We couldn't even get her to smile! Then we switched spots and I was laying on the couch with Bella, rubbing her back. This seemed to help. After about ten minutes (I'm not sure; I didn't have my glasses on) we tried going upstairs and she woke up. Normally when that happens, I can put her right back down and she'll fall asleep. She started crying shortly after I crawled back into bed. So, I brought her into my room and she fell asleep on my chest again. I stayed there until I knew for sure that she was out, then I put her in her crib. She let me sleep in past 1030 this morning. She's watching Baby Einstein: Baby Mozart at the moment. :)

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Names

My husband and I starting picking out names before she was ever conceived. our first baby together is a girl (he has a son from a previous marriage) and we called her Belladonna Satine. Both names coincidentally have Nicole Kidman in common.

Belladonna is Italian for beautiful woman. It's also an herb that helps with sleeping. If too much is taken, it can be fatal. Nicole Kidman link #1 - Her character in Practical Magic used it on her boyfriend Jimmy.

Satine is from one of my favorite movies -- Moulin Rouge. Here is link #2 - Satine is the name of her character. I'm taking the meaning of "sparkling diamond" for this one.As a whole, I say her name means "dangerous beauty."

Persephone Rayne - It just rolls off the tongue really well. Persephone was the name of a character I played in an RPG while DH and I were on deployment together. She and his character hooked up in the game. It seemed only fair. Rayne is for BloodRayne, the video game we both love.

Aurora Pearl - Aurora is my favorite Disney princess of all time (she looks better in purple) and Pearl is the first name of my favorite grandmother; she passed away three years ago (I still cry about it sometimes).

Tristan Alexander - DH and I came up with this one at the same time. We both thought up Tristan and were thinking of a middle name when I blurted out Alexander. It stuck.

Jareth Constantine - For a long time, he wanted to name his son Jareth but his wife at the time said no and he was named for both their fathers (Jeffrey Lee). I told him we could name a son Jareth (also because of David Bowie's character in "Labyrinth"). We needed a cool middle name. We were watching Constantine a lot and thought hey that would be a spiffy middle name.

Darius Sebastian - I love both of these names. DH took a little bit of convincing. Darios was also the name of an immortal on the Highlander tv series. Sebastian was the name of the main character in Neverending Story.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Busy I guess

Still no word from him yet. One can only assume that he's busy now. I really wanted to talk to him for a bit tonight. *sigh* Oh well.

I love you!

Not yet

It's almost 10pm and no emails from him yet. He could be busy. He was uber busy yesterday and we weren't really able to send emails to one another. It sucked, but life goes on.

I interviewed at Lockheed Martin today. I showed up late because I couldn't find the right building. I was too far down on the street. Once I got there, I was sweating bullets; not because I was nervous (I wasn't) but because it was hot as hell outside and I was wearing long sleeves (to hide the tattoo). My face was probably all flushed, too. I talked to the V.P.; the position was for an admin asst for him and the other gentlemen in the office. After being told the hours, I really didn't want the position. The hours vary. I'd much rather have a job where I'm working the same hours every day. This makes it easier on me and whoever I have watching Bella.

I know though... well maybe... a friend of mine will be moving out here with her husband in just over a month. She might be willing to watch Bella for me, at least until I find a fulltime sitter, unless she wants to be the fulltime sitter. I just keep hoping that the rate I've been paying the other sitter works for her, too. Otherwise, I keep thinking it would be cheaper for me to have a part time job, working in the evenings after his Mom gets home.

Who knows.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Multiple postings!

Yes, I'm writing again. I just wrote something.

I'm writing because I realized something. Well, I've known it for a long time, but wanted to say something about it.

I love my husband. Totally, utterly, completely. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I thank the Goddess for sending him my way. I have so many reasons to love him. He loves me unconditionally, without question. No matter what, he'll stand by me.

He is my dream come true, everything I could ever want in a life partner, a best friend, a loving adoring husband.

I love you.

I love it

Motherhood. I abosolutely adore it. I enjoy being able to provide a life for someone, a little someone. For that little someone to depend on me for staying clean, having a full belly and toys to play with. Every night, I wonder and worry about her while she sleeps. She's been asleep for about three hours now and is down for the night. I can't hear a thing over the monitor, but I know she's fine. I'll still check on her when I'm done with this; I think I'll do that for a long time. I'll do it to both, when I have another baby.

I love being a mother.

Almost seven months

Wow a long time has flown by! Until we start "playing" again, it's just a normal blog, nothing to really post in that part of my life.

Baby Belladonna has gotten so big! Her six month appointment is next Monday; she'll be seven months. I waited on getting her pediatrician, so her shots are only a little bit behind. She was over 15 pounds when I took her in the last time. She was five months old. She's doing just so well! She's coming into her own personality. She likes watching the Baby Einstein dvds. She'll sit there and watch one for a couple of hours. She's eating solids now, as well as her formula. She's wearing size 1 diapers still. She's petite. :) She was able to wear a couple bits of her smaller clothes up until recently. I have someone I can give her clothes to, when she gets too big for them.

My sister is pregnant. She found out in December. She got pregnant the day she returned home from Japan. :) He thinks it's kinda funny because when they were at the hospital, visiting me and Bella, she looked all scared and stuff when she held the baby. He says, "What? You afraid you're gonna catch the pregnant?" Yeah, he ate those words. :) She found out last month she's having a boy. He's due late July/early August. Mom will be coming out after he's born.

I've been out of the Navy for a few months now. I'm glad I'm out. I was temping for about two months and then they didn't have anything for me. I have an interview with Lockheed Martin tomorrow afternoon. I applied for an admin asst job via email (attaching my resume) for an engineering company. I'm thinking of also going over to the Holiday Inn by the house an applying over there. Who knows. I hope I can get something soon. We need the money. Our bills aren't going away and we also have his mom's bills, too. *sigh* We'll make it through somehow. We always do.