Saturday, June 30, 2007

simpe post for today

Been a few days.

Got the job. Orientaion was two days this last week. Start fresh on Monday. I'll have the next two weekends off, but after that working at least one day on the weekend.

Did a couple of "music videos" of Bella for him. I hope he likes them. She's in a really cute summery number.

Got some professional pictures done of Bella, finally. I love them.

He has 81 days until he comes home. He got the packages I sent a couple of weeks ago, so that's good. Hopefully he can make the cigarettes last until the next package.

I got two new phones with my first carrier because they can do international calls. It's still going to charge per minute (for example, it's $1.49 to call to and from Singapore. It's twice that for Vietnam. But, at least we can call. There's also text messaging. It's thirty-five cents for him and fifteen cents for me. The phones should be here on Tuesday and his package should go out Wednesday.

The Navy fucked up again. Not only did he not get any extra money on his paycheck for July 1st, but Bella and I have NO HEALTH COVERAGE. We got this taken care of long before he left. I got a bill in the mail for $310. I'm not paying it.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Kiddie Kandids

Pictures of Bella. :) Professional ones. =D

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

10 Statements

Instructions: Write 10 statements, intended to different people.never tell which one is to who things you've always wanted to tell people.
(*one or two may not even be on myspace. -Tam)

1. There are times when I love you, but there are times when your actions speak louder than your words and you upset me. I'm afraid to tell you to your face because I'm afraid it will screw with our friendship.

2. It was interesting having my own "puppy dog" for a couple of years. I got a little worried when special permission was given to go to my school. This was the catalyst for the drift in our friendship, which was rocky, at best, in high school. I'm sorry for treating you the way I did.

3. I forgive too easily, sometimes. My folks were mad for a long time; I think they still are. But I forgive you. I forgive you because you helped so many times the last few years when it was really needed. I appreciate that.

4. I still love you, but no longer in love with you. I'm happy you have a family now and are happy with them. All I ask is that you actually write me an email instead of me writing you one first.*

5. Do you ever wonder how things would have turned out, had things gone further in our relationship? I know it didn't last long, but for the time we were together, it was great. I want you to know that I left the relationship because I got scared; not anything you did. I got scared because I was happy; not an emotion I was used to having when in any kind of relationship. Thank you for our short time together.

6. Was there really closure? I know I had my closure long ago, but sometimes I wonder if you have. I hope you find someone suited well with you, someone you can spend the rest of your life with and be happy.

7. You're an asshole, plain and simple. You're still a child who seems to care about no one but yourself. One day, something will happen to you and you'll wonder why you got such bad karma. You led me on to think you were interested. You never were. You'll have your heart broken and then you'll know how I felt. Someone will flake on you like you did to me countless times. And you will know how I felt.

8. We've had a tough eight years, you and me. Friends to the end and then one fateful year. One summer of bad decisions on all our parts flushed our great friendship down the toilet. I thought I'd lost you forever. I found you again and realized that we'd both finally grown up; that we'd finally matured and realized our mistakes and went passed them. I don't know if I could lose you as a friend again.

9. So many wonderful memories! Thank you for all of them. Denver became a great town after we met and started hanging out. You were there when I needed you and I was there when you needed me. So many nights of crashing out on my bedroom floor after a really late party. Or, was it your floor? I couldn't imagine a better person to watch my Bella when we move back.

10. Did you ever really like me or was I just a lay to you? It was only once, but I felt we could have been more. I took something from you I wish I could give back. I never wanted it. I knew that once it was gone, you'd change. You did. And I'm sorry.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Oh, the days when I was young and stupid

I don't know why but lately I've been thinking about how I lived my life just a few years ago. I was young, stupid and not very safe. After I posted the last time, about the different relationships I had and how unsafe I was with them. I can't tell you how much of the sex was unprotected. I'm lucky to not have anything and not have been a young mother. I wouldn't have been able to deal with it then. And the chances of the guy actually stepping up to the plate to be the unexpected father? HA! Very laughable, of any boyfriend or fling I had. They were all too into what they were doing at the time to play a father. None of them would have taken the responsibility. Granted, Brian was probably one of the more responsible boyfriends I had (Timm's the other one; we didn't even sleep together, which was odd for me then). But even that doesn't mean anything. There are guys out there who are responsible men, but when they find out they've knocked up some chick, they run out the closest door.

I'm so very glad I have my daughter now. I'm glad I waited until now to have a baby, to get married. I used to think I'd never get married. Then I met him and fell for him; it was all over after that. And here we are. Happier than two pigs in a muddy pile of shit. :)

I'm just trying to figure out why I started thinking about this recently. I have no idea.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Why do I think about these things?

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I'd had a baby when I was younger and stupid. Who would I rather be the father? I kept having the thoughts earlier this morning; I have no idea what brought them on. I keep wondering which one of my mistakes would have stepped up to the plate of being an unexpected father. My best bet would have been Ryan, my first, but even then, he was too young for that. He was self-centered at that point in his life, having a relationship just to have one.He's someone I can't believe I had tears over. I pulled my hair out over this guy. I can only think of how much worse it woould have been had we not used protection for the week I went to visit him that October. Things could have gone wrong.I don't know why I started thinking about it this morning. I almost think that had that happened to me, Jeffrey would have someone to play with on the weekends we had him. Even then, I'd still want one more with him. Who knows where these thoughts come from.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Always need what we don't have

So, I gave her the last $20 I had in my wallet. I'll give her the rest of the $55 when he gets paid. Then, hopefully she won't be on my back at all. Then again, I want to keep things good between us in case I need her help in finding another babysitter for Bella.

I have a group inteview set up with Babies R Us on Friday; I'm that desperate for work. I'll work someplace where I won't be getting the $13+/hour I need to live. I filled out online applications for Walmart and Hollywood video.

Found out that the friend of mine I thought was going to be able to watch Bella for me, won't be able to because her husband doesn't think I'll pay her enough. If I were to pay what everyone else pays for childcare, I might as well save myself the money and be a SAHM. The best we can do right now for us to stay above water is to give only $150 for two weeks. I wish I could find something that wasn't leaving me broke.

He's in the double digits now. I think it's around 95 days. His next paycheck should be much better than the last two.

Bella's been really clingy the last couple of days. Then again, she also got her next round of shots. She has two brightly colored bandaids on either thigh. She actually ran a bit of a fever this time, but nothing we couldn't handle. She's a whopping 18 pounds 4 ounces and 28 inches long. We can start giving her cheese and eggs next month and she's able to use sunscreen now. I can also give her yogurt and second stage foods. She's just now getting into size 2 diapers. It's crazy. She'll be a petite one with mommy's rack. Poor girl.

She was also waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I put citrine stone beneath her crib, put a few of my tshirts in her crib and "anointed" an old doll with lavender and rose oils. It seems to help. When she's really fussy, I give her a lavender and Aveeno bath. She still has a little bit of cradle cap, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

Finally cut the crap from around the base of the tree. It took hedgetrimmers to do it. I figure so long as I trim it once a month, it shouldn't get to the point it got to.

We did Father's Day pictures on Friday. I made a few collages with them and emailed those to him. They made his day and put a smile on his face.

Not much else here. Hopefully, work will show itself. Soon. I was supposed to do a prosperity spell when the new moon was growing (Saturday, June 16) but didn't get a chance to that night. I was detained. :( So the mixture is still waiting. Looks like I'll have to wait for the full moon instead.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Jobless = crap

I gave her the $20 in my wallet. She gave me guff about it. I told her it was all I could do and that I was expecting more on this paycheck. I keep hoping more will show up on the next one.

In any case, I'm too tired to bitch about it right now.

Next entry ---
-paying her
-Bella's new sleeping habits
-father's day pictures

Today, I will try

I'm going to try and get some stuff mailed out to him today. When I'm more awake and coherent. I woke up just before 11 this morning. Bella woke up at twenty to two last night crying; we're not sure why. It could have been she was warm (it's beginning to warm up here now), her teeth (so I gave her tylenol) or that she had a bad dream. We brought her downstairs and Dee held her for a bit. We couldn't even get her to smile! Then we switched spots and I was laying on the couch with Bella, rubbing her back. This seemed to help. After about ten minutes (I'm not sure; I didn't have my glasses on) we tried going upstairs and she woke up. Normally when that happens, I can put her right back down and she'll fall asleep. She started crying shortly after I crawled back into bed. So, I brought her into my room and she fell asleep on my chest again. I stayed there until I knew for sure that she was out, then I put her in her crib. She let me sleep in past 1030 this morning. She's watching Baby Einstein: Baby Mozart at the moment. :)

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Names

My husband and I starting picking out names before she was ever conceived. our first baby together is a girl (he has a son from a previous marriage) and we called her Belladonna Satine. Both names coincidentally have Nicole Kidman in common.

Belladonna is Italian for beautiful woman. It's also an herb that helps with sleeping. If too much is taken, it can be fatal. Nicole Kidman link #1 - Her character in Practical Magic used it on her boyfriend Jimmy.

Satine is from one of my favorite movies -- Moulin Rouge. Here is link #2 - Satine is the name of her character. I'm taking the meaning of "sparkling diamond" for this one.As a whole, I say her name means "dangerous beauty."

Persephone Rayne - It just rolls off the tongue really well. Persephone was the name of a character I played in an RPG while DH and I were on deployment together. She and his character hooked up in the game. It seemed only fair. Rayne is for BloodRayne, the video game we both love.

Aurora Pearl - Aurora is my favorite Disney princess of all time (she looks better in purple) and Pearl is the first name of my favorite grandmother; she passed away three years ago (I still cry about it sometimes).

Tristan Alexander - DH and I came up with this one at the same time. We both thought up Tristan and were thinking of a middle name when I blurted out Alexander. It stuck.

Jareth Constantine - For a long time, he wanted to name his son Jareth but his wife at the time said no and he was named for both their fathers (Jeffrey Lee). I told him we could name a son Jareth (also because of David Bowie's character in "Labyrinth"). We needed a cool middle name. We were watching Constantine a lot and thought hey that would be a spiffy middle name.

Darius Sebastian - I love both of these names. DH took a little bit of convincing. Darios was also the name of an immortal on the Highlander tv series. Sebastian was the name of the main character in Neverending Story.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Busy I guess

Still no word from him yet. One can only assume that he's busy now. I really wanted to talk to him for a bit tonight. *sigh* Oh well.

I love you!

Not yet

It's almost 10pm and no emails from him yet. He could be busy. He was uber busy yesterday and we weren't really able to send emails to one another. It sucked, but life goes on.

I interviewed at Lockheed Martin today. I showed up late because I couldn't find the right building. I was too far down on the street. Once I got there, I was sweating bullets; not because I was nervous (I wasn't) but because it was hot as hell outside and I was wearing long sleeves (to hide the tattoo). My face was probably all flushed, too. I talked to the V.P.; the position was for an admin asst for him and the other gentlemen in the office. After being told the hours, I really didn't want the position. The hours vary. I'd much rather have a job where I'm working the same hours every day. This makes it easier on me and whoever I have watching Bella.

I know though... well maybe... a friend of mine will be moving out here with her husband in just over a month. She might be willing to watch Bella for me, at least until I find a fulltime sitter, unless she wants to be the fulltime sitter. I just keep hoping that the rate I've been paying the other sitter works for her, too. Otherwise, I keep thinking it would be cheaper for me to have a part time job, working in the evenings after his Mom gets home.

Who knows.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Multiple postings!

Yes, I'm writing again. I just wrote something.

I'm writing because I realized something. Well, I've known it for a long time, but wanted to say something about it.

I love my husband. Totally, utterly, completely. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I thank the Goddess for sending him my way. I have so many reasons to love him. He loves me unconditionally, without question. No matter what, he'll stand by me.

He is my dream come true, everything I could ever want in a life partner, a best friend, a loving adoring husband.

I love you.

I love it

Motherhood. I abosolutely adore it. I enjoy being able to provide a life for someone, a little someone. For that little someone to depend on me for staying clean, having a full belly and toys to play with. Every night, I wonder and worry about her while she sleeps. She's been asleep for about three hours now and is down for the night. I can't hear a thing over the monitor, but I know she's fine. I'll still check on her when I'm done with this; I think I'll do that for a long time. I'll do it to both, when I have another baby.

I love being a mother.

Almost seven months

Wow a long time has flown by! Until we start "playing" again, it's just a normal blog, nothing to really post in that part of my life.

Baby Belladonna has gotten so big! Her six month appointment is next Monday; she'll be seven months. I waited on getting her pediatrician, so her shots are only a little bit behind. She was over 15 pounds when I took her in the last time. She was five months old. She's doing just so well! She's coming into her own personality. She likes watching the Baby Einstein dvds. She'll sit there and watch one for a couple of hours. She's eating solids now, as well as her formula. She's wearing size 1 diapers still. She's petite. :) She was able to wear a couple bits of her smaller clothes up until recently. I have someone I can give her clothes to, when she gets too big for them.

My sister is pregnant. She found out in December. She got pregnant the day she returned home from Japan. :) He thinks it's kinda funny because when they were at the hospital, visiting me and Bella, she looked all scared and stuff when she held the baby. He says, "What? You afraid you're gonna catch the pregnant?" Yeah, he ate those words. :) She found out last month she's having a boy. He's due late July/early August. Mom will be coming out after he's born.

I've been out of the Navy for a few months now. I'm glad I'm out. I was temping for about two months and then they didn't have anything for me. I have an interview with Lockheed Martin tomorrow afternoon. I applied for an admin asst job via email (attaching my resume) for an engineering company. I'm thinking of also going over to the Holiday Inn by the house an applying over there. Who knows. I hope I can get something soon. We need the money. Our bills aren't going away and we also have his mom's bills, too. *sigh* We'll make it through somehow. We always do.