Tuesday, March 25, 2008

My first session

For those who are curious, the first session went well. Filling out some paperwork of course, and then just dove in. She asked me questions, I answered. Mostly just figuring out where to start from, I guess. I like her a lot; she's a nice woman. She's Middle-Eastern with a slight accent and extremely fluent in English. Then again, she's been practicing in San Diego for 25 years. I already see why people who hate therapists like her. She seems to genuinely want to help. We figured out the three things we're going to work on: depression, anxiety and my sex drive.. getting rid of the first two and bringing back the last one. Hopefully things will be figured out by the time we move.
Thank you to EVERYONE for your continued support; I really do appreciate it!

Appointment with Dr. Slali & PPD

I've got it today at 6pm with her. I hope things go well. Once sessions are started, I'm hoping for no meds. I'm hoping something works.
Now, I thought that, with PPD, it only happened/occured within the first six months of having your baby. Treated or untreated, I thought it would go away and not fester. Belladonna's 16 months old now. These thoughts and images.. I've had them since we brought her home that November afternoon. Were those signs of PPD? What about anxiety [disorder]? What's the difference betweenn anxiety and anxiety disorder? I've never actually dealt with a "mental" illness so I'm full of questions.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Consultation with Social Worker; appointment made

I spoke with her for a good two hours this morning, just figuring things out and what my options were. She's a really nice lady and printed out a nice long list of therapists near my home who take TricarePrime. I'll be calling them today. I'll also be calling my OB and asking her about my birth control; maybe not taking it anymore will help. I've noticed a little bit that I want sex a little bit more when I'm not on any birth control. I always thought I was the most horny then because of my period and not having sex to keep from making a bloody mess. Makes us wonder though.
Thank you to everyone for the support; it's appreciated.

-Update-
Just a little update. I called the first psychologist recommended to me by the social worker this morning. Not sure how I really feel about going to therapy, but apparently I really need to figure some things out. I made a post somewhere about terrible thoughts I've had; someone told me that it sounds like anxiety and possible PPD (I think). If I like this woman, those thoughts will eventually come out. I don't want her to think I'm crazy or a loon, for having thoughts like these about my daughter; I'm afraid of her being taken away from me or vice versa. I'd die first if any of those thoughts were to even remotely come true.
Apparently, even people who don't like therapists love this woman. I'm hopeful
Bapsi Slali, PhD.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Diagnosed Depression -- yay! (not)

Simply put.. I just want to cry. In fact, I am. Not full blown crying, just tears streaming down my face (no runny nose or anything).
I'm being faced with choices; choices I really don't want to deal with. My emotional/mental state, how I want to practice.
I went to my obsetrician on Wednesday to see about my libido. After some conversation, she asked me to fill out a PPD (post partem depression) scale/survey. Based on the answers I gave her and my family history that I told her, it sounds very much like depression.
My husband asked me later that day (after I'd told him about it) what I had to be depressed about. He didn't mean it to sound condescending. It did a little bit, but I know he didn't want to be. Truth is, I don't know. Sometimes, I just don't feel happy or want to cry when there's nothing to cry about. Sometimes I wonder if it's just something that's from my past that my mind doesn't want to let go of yet. Maybe my mind doesn't know how.
Someone from social services should be contacting me soon to make a consultation appointment. This is to see where I am and what needs to be done. I don't like being the center of attention, I'm not an attention whore. I don't like spouting out, "Poor me! Pity me, be sympathetic for me!" It's stupid to do that and very selfish. I'm not selfish.
I'm not.

ETA: My OB thinks this may be another reason my libido is gone. I had my blood drawn yesterday for my thyroid. Thank you for the words of experience and kindness. It's very much appreciated. It's hard to explain to my husband (wonderful, loving man that he is) about *why* I'd be depressed. He doesn't understand, but he wants to. How can you explain this when you can barely put it into words? I mean, is there a website I can send him to, to help him understand that there isn't always a reason? He knows my family history with depression.
My younger sister found out she had depression shortly after she got to her ship (she joined the Navy before I did). She would cry for absolutely no reason; pissed her off more than anything else. She said she needed to go and talk to someone and they also gave her pills to help.
My mother was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe depression; she's 50 and has been struggling with issues of her own mother. She has major abandonment issues with her mother; I'm not even sure if she's worked through them yet. She's had these issues for over 45 years. They're now trying to figure out the right dosage for her.
My grandmother was also depressed and took medication for it. Then again, her husband died in 1966 (I think) in a plane crash (he was a pilot and was flying one of those double-winged planes). My mother, the youngest of three daughters, was maybe 9 or 10; he died the day Martin Luther King, Jr. was buried. She never remarried.
Looking at my life now, I should be fine. My current life is absolutely wonderful. I have a job that pays decent (well, okay), but it doesn't help much with the debt we have. Hubby's still active duty but not bringing home what he should be (long ass story). Finances aside, I'm perfectly happy. Well, finances and my libido, anyway.
Growing up sucked. Again, long ass story. Those may be issues to bring up later.
Sorry to ramble; I'm just hoping to find some answers. I know none of you are medical professionals but it's nice to get some feedback, especially from those who've experienced similar events.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I've thought about going off the pill as well. I've gone so far as to track my ovulation cycle so as not to get pregnant again. I really don't want an IUD. I know, the rhythm method isn't exactly the best way to do it, but it's all I've got when I don't want to use condoms. I'll keep up with my pills until I see my OB next; I can talk to her about trying to go off the pill to "fix" this as well as the fibroids (mentioned above).
For those wanting to know what the original post was about, click me.
I called my OB office last week to make an appointment for this week. I am seeing my OB this afternoon. I re-read the original journal to this and wrote down what RanaAurora and carolynn said; I didn't want to miss anything, you know? Hopefully she'll have some news for me. Be it good or bad, at least it's news.
If you want to keep updated, just come back to this journal; I'm not going to clog up the Journals with tidbit updates.

-Update-
So there may be more to this than expected. I asked about testing my thyroid, doing blood tests and mentioned PCOS. Told her my family history (mother's side, depression) and she had me fill out that PPD scale/questionnaire. Some of the answers I gave pointed her to that I have depression. I'll be getting a call from social services (instead of Fleet Family Services) for a consult appointment. I told her that it's really all me and not him and that "spicing" things up in the bedroom isn't gonna fly as we've been doing that since the beginning. We spoke of my previous bouts with mild depression (and my cutting; journaled about that in several journals.. too many to link). I'm going in tomorrow for blood tests. She's going to have them check my thyroid as well. My mother had trouble with her thyroid in her mid-30s so it's not surprising.
So that's really it. Hopefully it's something that can be nipped in the bud quickly.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Never Really Good With Titles

Bella is feeling oh-so-much better now. Her fever broke before Saturday, though she was still clingy throughout the weekend. Her butt rash turned out to be a yeast infection/rash. We now have cream to help it get better. She's slowly but surely returning to the toddler we know and love.

I had my surgery follow-up appointment yesterday. What a waste of time that was! I got there when I was supposed to but waited in the exam room for an HOUR before he made it to me. Had he not knocked on the door when he did, I would have gotten up and rescheduled; I can't afford to miss two and a half hours of work without pay. I don't want to use more of my PTO; the more I have saved up, the bigger the check I get from ITS when I quit and relocate. That money is going to help us with the small things once we get to Colorado. I can't afford to use it up because the damn plastic's office is incompetent. On a lighter note, I ran into two old friends from the ship. It was nice talking with them for a little while.

I haven't really had much of anything to do in the way of work; I've been doing my schoolwork for American Government instead. I wasn't motivated today to do it, but I will tomorrow.

Patrick has TAP this week and is home already. This gives me the chance to stop off at the store really quick and pick up some damn sunglasses. The San Diego sun is killing my eyes. It doesn't help much that my eyes are extremely sensitive to light.

I'm dying for some new ink. I essentially want the below image tattooed on my upper right arm; same arm as the Scorpio zodiac. I can't wait. I don't want everything in the picture and it's going to be a little different from the image, but this is pretty much what I want. Either this or the one permanently on my page (earth tones).



With the next (and last), will have the zodiac tattoo on the other wrist and a mermaid with her child on the upper left arm. Not only are these larger tattoos for my child(ren), but they'll also cover up a part of my past that I want to, not forget, but move on from.

Hopefully I'll update again soon!