Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today is a long one

I should have called my sister after having that dream.  I'm not really sure why I didn't.

I think of her often, how she and my nephew are doing.  She's made nearly a 180 since she had her son.  She started smoking long before I did (she's younger than me), was a heavy drinker, and experimented with drugs.  When she found out she was pregnant, she quit smoking cold turkey, didn't drink, and obviously no drugs.  She was in the Navy at that point and hadn't done any for some time.

I smoke, rarely drink, and did my own fair share of experimenting.  I smoked during my pregnancy, but not a lot; my daughter is perfectly healthy.  My sister now turns her nose up at smokers, though not as badly as my mother.  They both seem like hypocrites to me now.

Another thing that bothers me is that she's still viewed as the "golden child."  She had good grades all through school; I didn't.  She graduated high school early and joined the Navy; I graduated early but joined the Navy later.  She was in a solid relationship and engaged when she became pregnant; I was in a solid relationship and married when I became pregnant.

After leaving California and separating from her now ex-fiancĂ©, she was GIVEN her apartment and practically GIVEN the job she has now.  I've had to work for everything I have.  The only thing I was really GIVEN was a place to live after we moved to Texas.  We're doing things on our own to find our own house.  I found this job through a temp agency; it wasn't just given to me because of who I know.

It seems like she's been handed everything to make her life, and that of her son, comfortable.  I haven't.  Yeah, my mom bought Patrick his truck and we need to pay her back, but it seems like if it were my sister, she wouldn't have to pay back anything.  I'm sure that the apartment she's living in is just fine, with hardly any problems.  We've had problems with our trailer since the day we moved in back in July.  Now that we have a good budget going, we're exploring the option of owning a home.

I keep hoping that one of these days, I can be seen as the "golden child" for making the right decisions and not taking any handouts.

Work is still there.  I've spent the last few days consolidating personnel files and creating new files for projects bid on.  I'm now supposed to e-file our taxes for New York for 2008 and 2009.  The website is not helpful, so I'm on hold.. and have been for over 20 minutes.  Hopefully someone will pick up.

I'm wondering if, when I'm hired here full-time, I'll get a cell phone, too.  They just hired a new accountant and they gave him one today.  Pretty much everyone here has a business cell phone.

I've been busting my ass on getting our budget worked out.  The bills are roughly the same every month (phone, internet, car insurance, trash) except for the electric bill.  We're nearly to the point where, by the next week (payday), we're about $100 in the positive.  Whenever I work out the budget for the next week, I mentally file away the amount that we're positive and start from zero.  In my head, this means that we'll have more available later.

We're trying to save up for a couple of things before the year is out.  My mom is coming out next month for Bella's 4th birthday; we're putting her up in a hotel so she doesn't have to deal with the smoke and our weird hours.  We're also hoping to get my bonus son out here for Yule.  He's considered an unaccompanied minor and always has to be done over the phone.  By the time he's old enough to travel alone, he might be already living with us.  We're also trying to figure out birthday and holiday gifts this year.  I have an idea for both kids, just not sure how we're going to do it.

Our trailer is crap.  There's no getting around it.  The floors are uneven, the front door needs to be sealed at the bottom (massive rain/thunder storm over the weekend and it was leaking rain water inside), and I found out on Saturday that the window above the toilet in our bathroom is cracked (from one end to the other).  There's just a square piece of duct tape holding it together.

We've been searching on www.zillow.com for affordable houses in our area.  We found the perfect house with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, living area, kitchen, dining room, and a fenced in backyard.  It's under $60K and monthly payments (including all taxes) is about five bucks more than what we're paying now.  The house is over 1,800 square feet; our trailer is roughly 1,200.  Paying the same per month for 600 more square feet?  I think so!  I go to the bank on Friday to deposit my paycheck and then I'm talking to a home loan officer to see what I can get pre-qualified for.  If it's not enough, we have a good back-up plan.

That's pretty much all I've got right now.  Hopefully this enough to let off my chest and I won't have to do another like this for awhile.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I dreamed about my sister again

The dream I had about my sister also had some of my "sleuthy" friends, too.  I have no idea what it means.

I remember helping to keep away a friend of mine (her kids were in the dream, too; we'll call her A.R.) away from someone who was trying to hurt her, assault her.  I don't recall kicking anyone's ass, but I know I did my very best to protect them.  When I thought they were safe, I left for another place.

I was walking along a sidewalk with someone when I ran into my sister.  She looked a wreck and really upset.  Just as she began speaking, a male voice said to me (I know I was with a guy, I just can't place the voice or face), "Hey, it's your sister, A----."

I was upset with him for talking while she was trying to talk.  I looked him in the eye (still can't tell you what he looks like) and said, "I know it's my sister rape."  And that's when it hits me (in the dream); my sister's been sexually assaulted this time and brutally.  I tried to back pedal from what I'd just said, and she looked at me with a glint in her eye.  She smiled her crooked smile wearing black/red lipstick.  She tried to bring me back to the place where she'd been assaulted.  I wouldn't go in with her.  I tried to keep her from going back.  She wouldn't leave with me.

I remember feeling hurt and her yelling at me for not coming with her to "join the fun."  I remember going up to the window where I'd heard her and whispered something like, "Well, at least I'm not going to die a whore, like you."  I ran off as she came to the window screaming at me again.

I woke up wanting to help her.  It took me two days to gather up what I could to type that out.    I have no idea what to make of this dream.  I feel awful.  I feel terrible.  I love my sister and I'd do everything in my power to keep her safe.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now I'm upset

I haven't touched any time sheets at work in over a week.  All I've done at work is filing paid invoices and done research on getting licensed or renewing licenses in the lower 48 states.  No payroll, which I was hired on to do. I feel as though I'm now just wasting space and I should just stay home instead of spend the day here, doing what I would normally be doing at home -- sitting on my ass doing NOTHING.

I've done all that I can with the states that I can.  There is no way to progress further.  I've been staring at the same Secretary of State web pages for the last week, knowing that there's nothing else I can do.  Forms and packets have been filled out to the best of my ability; these are currently with my supervisor so she can fill in the blanks.  For one state in particular, the utility manager needs to take a safety course that uses OSHA material.  For another, I have to wait for my supervisor to email a letter (on company letterhead) to the one state informing them that the original person who set up things on their site no longer works here.

I'm just really damn irritated.  If it's going to be like this for the rest of the time I'm employed here, I'm really hoping the GS position I applied for works out.  At least there, I'll feel useful.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I love my Converse shoes

I dunno.  There's just something about my black Converse shoes.  I normally don't tie the laces; my ankle hurts after awhile with that.  When they're loose, they feel amazing.  I would wear these shoes with skirts and dresses, if I owned any of those clothing items.  They are one of the few pairs of shoes I own where my feet don't seem as big as they really are.

I love them, my black Converse shoes.



Calm seas

Any drama that ensued yesterday has died down and problems have been solved.  I'm glad to still have my friends.  It seems the bond has become stronger.  Eventually, I won't have the fear of posting what I'm thinking; I doubt it will take too long.  They are trustworthy women.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Secrets don't make friends

Have you ever tried to play Switzerland in a disagreement among friends only for it to blow up in your face?  It sucks.  Your loyalties are questioned, as is your ability to be trusted.  I've learned from past experiences that I'd rather be diplomatic and try to solve the problem.

Hell, even as I write this blog entry, I can't help but think these neutral words will be held against me.  I want to vent about the whole situation, but I'm not going to.  I'll find other ways to vent.

I just hate seeing my friends (though I've only met one and spoken on the phone with at least three of them, asking for advice) disagree this way.

I'm hoping things start settling by the end of the day.  This sort of thing takes a lot out of anyone participating.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Wow, Useless

So, in the last few work days, I haven't touched any kind of time sheet or payroll.  I'm beginning to wonder why.  At first, I was told it was because there were too many batches in the system [used for entering payroll].  I checked it when I came in this morning, hoping to input some of last weeks time sheets, but nothing. All I've done is look up what needs to be done to renew business contracts with other states as well as find and figure out or create usernames and passwords for states listed on an Excel spreadsheet.  This is not making me feel useful.. at all.  I'm just trying to figure out what is really going on in their heads.

I applied for a GS4 position in Texarkana.  It's pretty much what the GS7 position was only 3 pay grades below.  The earnings for the GS4 per hour are higher than what I'm doing now and I'd be back in the government element (which is something I kind of miss).  Sometimes, but not often, I wonder about going back in the Navy, but if I did that now, I'd have lost the E4 I worked so hard to get.  So, maybe not.

Trying to figure out what (if anything) to do for Bella's 4th birthday next month.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that going all out for a birthday she won't remember in ten years, it's a dumb idea.  It will be best if something is done at home, with the six other people we know here in Mt. Pleasant, Texas.  I've invited other Texas friends to come along, too, but I don't know if they'll make that drive just for a birthday party for a preschooler.  Couldn't hurt to ask, right?

Friday, October 15, 2010

The weekend is quickly upon us

So, yesterday on my way home from work, I was pulled over by a state trooper.  Apparently, I was speeding.  My speedometer read 70 (which is the speed limit); apparently my speedometer is off by nearly five miles (so when I think I'm going 70, it's closer to 75).  I received a warning and was told to get my car registered for Texas as well as get a Texas driver license.  I think I can get this done next week.

Yesterday, we were given a bonus of $100.  I spent a portion of mine on a Dew fridgemate (splurge), milk, and Food Club ice cream (splurge).  I'd also ordered 3 pizzas and cheeses ticks from Pizza Hut (another splurge).  I still have almost $50 left; I put it in our special/emergencies hiding place.  I won't say where that place is, but let's just say the money will smell wonderful when/if we need it.

I'm wondering if my co-workers think me dense.  Seriously.  I'm supposed to be entering time sheets all week (as they come in) as well as compare them to other sheets.  I've barely touched them this week; instead the other two girls are doing it and I'm stuck just doing state registration, sales tax online payment, renewing state contractor licenses.  I thought I was hired on as a payroll clerk as well as admin support.

Whatever though.  Today is Friday.  Today is another day where lunch is courtesy of the company.  Lunch is from Laura's Cheesecake and Bakery and they have a killer bacon club wrap with chipotle sauce.  Oh.  My.  Gods.  Yummy.

Turkey Club Wrap

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Love Lost sayings...

If my followers think of any, please post them in the comments.

I know that loving someone enough to love them forever doesn't mean it's best to BE with them forever.
Learn to appreciate the rainbow after cursing the rain, its just like loving again after experiencing the pain :)
Behind every darkness, there's a shining light waiting for you to find it. Behind every best friend, there's always trust and love! :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I want to punch him in the face

My mom shared/like/commented/whatever on this photo from my sister's Facebook page.  This is Asshole holding my nephew.. smiling.  He NEVER did this with my daughter.  Seeing this picture hurts.  A lot.  I want to punch this man in the face, breaking his nose, and causing his teeth to fall out.  I want to hurt him because of how much it hurts me.

He was never smiling or happy when my daughter (who absolutely adores him for unknown reasons) was around.  I'm literally on the verge of tears.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Emotions

Feeling really emotional and kinda weepy today.  I'm not even sure why.  At least two of my friends are pregnant (one is a surprise and the other was planned).  Last night, I had sympathy symptoms from BOTH of them; I'm trying to figure out which one is emotional today.

I don't have any explanation.

Lover After Me - Savage Garden

Here I go again, I promised myself 
I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just the that everywhere I go 
All the buildings know your name like
Photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world 
That didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny, but I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again, I promised myself 
I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name 'cause I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Move Along - All American Rejects


Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

My Facebook Status Shuffle

"One of the hardest things you'll ever have to do is stop loving someone because they've stopped loving you. Then, when you least expect it, you find someone that you love more and you want to spend the rest of you life with them. When you meet them, your past stays in the past."


The first sentence was the only part of the shuffle; I added the last part.  Mostly because I didn't want my husband to feel like he's in a competition; he's not.  I'm just having issues with a certain person; I can't get them out of my head or off my brain.  A friend of mine mentioned that I need closure from that entire relationship/ordeal.  I'm just trying to figure out what exactly that closure is.  When I stop feeling excited or happy every time he messages me, I'll know I'm past it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Conversations

This is all from a conversation I've had with someone I mentioned in this blog awhile ago.  It seems surreal to me that we can talk so freely about the stuff we couldn't talk about ten years ago.  Then again, I was letting the conversation happen, so what does that say about me?  Why am I taking these deep breaths?  Why is my heart beating faster?

I'm going to blame the coffee and an empty stomach.  Or maybe the too tight jeans that I shouldn't have worn.  That makes much more sense and I like that explanation much better.  There's nothing deep seeded here.  Nothing.  Why is it that he's always the one to message me first?  I still don't know how to interpret that.

I should have started copying/pasting much earlier in the conversation.  The first part sounds bad.  We were talking about a time about 11 years ago when I'd hopped a Greyhound to see him in college for a week.

I'm wondering if he was patronizing me (or just being drunk) toward the end of this conversation.  He went offline without so much as a "Bye Kiddo" or "See ya" which is kinda customary for him.  This is also the same guy who calls me Bram.  No one else calls me Bram.  I don't recall if I told Patrick about the pet/nickname.

Looks like he's not coming back online.  I just wish I could have captured the entire conversation.


Today
That was a fun night, if I remember correctly.
Now you know what it was.
Wow, those were times.
If you were here you could talk to my neighbor buddies that have seen me at my worst.
I bet I could rival it with the drinking I did in Dubai.
I fell asleep in my neighbor's rocks.
I beat out a Marine at his own game.
YEAH!?
AWESOME! Pictures?
He was a big guy, too.
They didn't call him Ox for nothing.
No. At Halloween they shot me with a paint ball marker in the ass. The Junior high kids still have pictures floating around.
Ox in the cock?
That's fantastic, Ryan.
?
Uh, no.
Never slept with him.
LOL
JK
Of couse.
course*
though, there were exploits to be had on that ship.
:D
Billy (my neighbor who's rock's I slept with) has seen the 'best' of me.
Your bare ass?
I do wish I joined the Navy at times.
No - not bare ass.
Bare junk
It was a good experience -- The Navy.
HAH!
So your neighbor and I have seen the same thing.
Awesome.
Some may think so.
My neighbors are awesome. It's like being in a college town without the college.
I bet Tina got a kick out of it.
She gave me some shit.
Nothing weirder when you're being chewed out by your wife, sister-in-law, and daughter(pseudo) at the same time.
just like any good wife would.
brb again please
k
They've actually got me looking for something but I can't find it.
Would you be able to do a favor for me [after Tina gets the Essure]?
Yes
Always
Would you be so kind as to keep me informed on how it goes? Pain, discomfort, any side effects, etc.?
Thank you. :)
Absolutely.
I appreciate it.
I know it will be an hour procedure door - door; and the pain should be med - to - med.
We hate the rubbers and I hate having to remember a pill; it seems the best option. the hormonal BS can go away too. Gimme my libido back, pill.
But I will let you know. Her procedure is the 14th
Okay.
Then again, I also blame two deployments, but it's getting better.
Good.
I just had to laugh at myself.
I looked at our OCT calendar - it's BUSY!
OCT?
duh
That busy?
Yeah - birthday's (we're a week apart.)
I know when yours is -- hard to forget.
Hers is the same month?
and annivesearies. Tina's mom had surgery a few days ago.
Everything okay?
Yeah!
Cool beans.
Pat's is also Hitler's birthday, poor guy. But there's not a single stoner who will forget it.
She's good. Tina's mom is Tina's spiritual guidance.
That's good.
LOL
I feel that Pat and I would have a good time together with some beers.
If he wasn't allergic to alcohol, sure.
How much did you have removed BTW?
Poor guy.
He's kinda weird about meeting my past relationships.
What removed?
My reduction?
gir;s
yeah
I went from a 38DD to a 38 C.
- shit the alcohol is talking
WOAH!
No worries.
yep.
Looking at me now, you'd never know; they're still big.
Yeah
I still imagine them
I'm sure you do
once - in a - while
;_
)
;)
dammit
They don't card me at the grocery store.
LOl
Still got time if: I quite while I'm ahead
quit...dammit
I kinda doubt that'll happen.
They're awesome there. I can walk in, slip my card, and go and no worries.
Heh -- I have pictures on my photobucket of how big they used to be and what they are now.
Cool.
Among many other photos, too.
I uploaded (via my CrackBerry) photos of a farm house we were looking at back in May.
They wanted too much for it; it needed a lot of clean up work.
Yeah - I am a bit of expert of restoring distraught and bad homes (construction wise).
Bella - she's a perfect merge of both of you two - she's so pretty.
Originally, we were hoping to get an awesome house that needed a little bit of remodeling. We were going to use my TSP for that. But didn't happen.
Thank you, Ryan. :)
;) anytime
If you come across a picture of her hair in many colors.. Patrick did that updo for her school.
Mostly, I see my eyes, nose and complexion with her.
Tina (who never colored her hair) never want Ayla's hair colored\
My mother-in-law brought out a picture of Pat when he was her age -- almost a spittin' image.
If she wants it colored when she's older though..
she's going to find a way
I see a perfect split between the two of you. Yeah - Our girls are a perfect image of Tina and I.
I think so, too.
yep
They're cuteness.
You've got a girly girl and a tom boy? Did I read that part of the conversation right?
Thanks. Although I'm a dick about them both - I love them very much. Yeah
When haven't you been? You've got to admit.. you're pretty good at being a dick sometimes. I'm sure that's one of the reason Tina loves you as much as she does.
They both share very equal parts of Tina and I.
Yep! Can't argue with you there.



One of the few things I've been right about, lol.
Ayla is brilliant though...almost where it is scary. And Lyra is very athletic.
When did you know?
Day 1 - she didn't cry at birth - just watched.
Freaked us out.
But we knew
Really? I bet it did!
I honestly don't know if Bella cried or not. I was very stoned on pain killers at that point.
Shit, I couldn't feel anything from my ribcage down.
She can say word like prestidigitation and conscience in a sentence.
Fuck.3
Same with Tina - Her mom and I talk about it some times. Tina's mom knows.
When we got back from our first trip down here, my car broke down (I think I told you about that). Bella was telling everyone that "Mommy's transmission broke."
I remember when she was born - she just starred at us and the room - at the moment you can tell she was calculating everything.
People thought that for a three-year-old, that was a pretty big word for her.
I kinda doubt it though.
Exactly!? Damn kids are scarry.
That's an incredible experience to have though.
Yep.
Her vocabulary is, apparently, quite large for a girl her age.
At her last appointment, she was speaking to the PA in perfect sentences. She wasn't 3 yet.
She just doesn't focus well when we're trying to teach her something. She'll get it, move on to another section or two, and then forget the first thing she learned.
Yeah - Ayla's Pediatrician said she was an unusual case concerning her development.
Kinda makes you feel a super parent, huh?
No - makes me feel under - prepared.
You'll be fine.
You're doing just fine.
But just because she's gifted doesn't mean you can't bust her butt when she gets in trouble, lol.
Take this how you want - imagine - if you will if we had kids - what kind of nose they'd have.
;)
Yep
They'd have a cute nose.
And that was something I thought about shortly after that last part of our relationship.
Yeah.
Yeah; I was very much involved in multiple directions of my mental capacity.
I know.
That was probably the hardest time of my entire life.
Mine too.
And here we are.
Finally grown ass adults.
Yeah - here we are. I think grown ass adults comes around at our late 30s early 40s
So where does that leave us? We're not even 30 yet.
Just starting out babe!
lol
Did you know (according to my 'coming-out-friends') that's it's coming out day?
Today?
Awesome!



Profile search activity for you: look up Arin Lopez on my profile then look up Geoffrey - That's hotness.
BRB-PPB.
potty? lol
Ok
Found your friend Arin Lopez. Who's the Geoffrey you speak of?
yeah
Stand by one
Roger
Crap. I've really gotta pee and I'm on the phone AT&T trying to figure out WTF with my home phone.
Way too much water, maybe.
LOL
Geoffrey Licari
K
They're okay.
Ive got hotter.
Good gil
girl
haha
A lot of mine, though, are part of the geek love that I have. The first one is Brad New.
Oh yeah
yeah. Nearly every guy I've dated has had a geek side to them.
Check out Brian Catt. He definitely had the geek thing that I loved. He's a selfish ass, though.
LOL
The only one who didn't is the only one I haven't found on FB.
We met when I was working at a local video store in Littleton. He asked my boss if he could ask an employee for her number.
My boss really wanted me to find a boyfriend, so she said sure.
Nice
There's Dan Trierwiler. He's from "A" school and part of my drinking buddies.
:)
Israel "Izzy" Del Rio.
One of my awesome Marine friends from the ship.
Oh yeah!?
4:28pm
Yeah. He got engaged to his girlfriend before Pat and I got engaged. He has a little girl now, I think. He was an awesome Marine.