Friday, December 31, 2010

Changes and a New Year

I wanted to change the template and background image a little bit.  I wanted it to emulate what my headline and tagline say.  I think I've done that.

I also want to say Happy New Year to those subscribed to my blog.  My husband and I are spending the eve watching a Ghost Adventures marathon on the Travel Channel.  Bella is watching movies in our room.  Mom is away for the night; I hope she has a wonderful time.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What will the new year hold?

My goals for the new year are:
  • Go back to school for a Criminal Justice degree
  • Find a job
  • Buy a house
  • Make the birthdays for the kids good birthdays
  • Make Christmas for the kids a good one
  • Become financially stable
I can only hope this can happen.  I'm hopeful.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Following up from a post back in October

It's about the conversations with an old relationship.

I know those feelings are false; I buried them or they just went away.  One always has that special place in their heart for their first love, but the feelings aren't the same, nor as strong, as the feelings one has with their spouse.. the one person they're meant to be with.

I remember the good times, but I also remember that we are two completely different people, and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy with the relationship I have with my husband.  He's one of the most amazing people I know.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Emotional Rollercoaster

I'm feeling strange this time of year.  I wouldn't say we're broke, but our holidays seem bleak this year.  I said that before, somewhere, and I still think it.  If I still had a job, it wouldn't be as bad.  It'll be an okay year for Bella and her gifts.  My mom gave her a bunch of books (they look kind of cheesy) that remind me of tourist stops.

The previous post I made was originally placed in one of my mom groups.  Someone took it upon themselves to help.  I was very touched by this thought.  I was informed by an anonymous message that something from Amazon would be arriving for Bella this week.  This message choked me up a little bit.

Tonight, we found the Amazon parcel on our porch.  Inside was an awesome Play-Doh set and four 12-piece wooden puzzles.  I made tonight gift wrapping night and was able to wrap them with everything else.  When I started wrapping them, I almost started crying.  Hell, I'm close to crying as I type.

I'm not really sure where to go from here.  I guess part of it is that I miss the great Christmas's my sister and I had as kids.  There were always plenty of gifts beneath the tree, and they weren't all books.  Don't get me wrong, I love books, but... kids don't always want books for the holidays or birthdays.  The big thing she wants this year are Zoobles.

I feel like an emotional mess.  Things that shouldn't make one weepy, get me choked up.  My sleep schedule is off.  I got to bed after 2am last night and didn't get out of bed until almost 1pm.  Bella was fed and playing and everything, but I couldn't stay awake.  Sometimes (a lot of the time) I find myself zoning out, my eyes glazing over.  This happens when I'm at the table eating dinner with my family, when I'm driving, when I'm lounging, grocery shopping.  It happens frequently.

I'm not pregnant; that's normally the first thing people think of when presented with these symptoms.

The best thing I can think of is depression.  In my case, I think my depression is caused by stress.  My stress is caused by my lack of a job.  It seems like I may not be good enough for any of the jobs here.  I have the experience, I have the know-how, I KNOW I can do every job that I've applied for in the last several months.  No one has called!  I keep making follow-up calls from online applications that I've filled out.

At this point, I'm not sure what else I can do.  One can only comb the internet for so long before one loses the determination.  I know I need to find a job, but when no one calls back, it's disheartening.  I really don't know what else to do at this point.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I wonder if we're going to afford it this year

Haven't started wrapping the gifts from my mom (she sent us goodies from Harry & David that just arrived today), nor is our tree up.  We haven't gotten anything for each other this year because, well, we can't afford it.  I wanted to make sure my Secret Ninja was able to get something special and I have that ready. 
I know that I can spend probably all of $15 on Bella and she'd love it.  The single pack of Zoobles are on sale at Walmart for $5/piece.  She has four of the things now and our "family" here have already gotten her some.  I don't remember which numbers they got for her, but I do remember that they didn't get the same numbers.
Even thogh we're on our own again, this feels like the worst holiday ever.  We can't even get gifts for ourselves this year.  Our friends have told us not to get them anything.  I appreciate that they understand that we can't, but it's also a blow to my/our pride.
I didn't even THINK of doing stocking stuffers!  Add that to the we-really-can't-afford-it list. 
For my bonus son this year, I'm sending him three gift cards for Target with $25 on them.  I'm getting these for being a moderator in the Smarter Living group until January and I figure it's better than nothing.  Apparently, ex-wife needs money, too.  Well, I'm sorry, but we kind of need it just as much.  We need groceries to last for two weeks, a phone that works so that the two of them can talk to each other regularly, internet so they can email and play games online together.  As much as I want for my bonus son to have an awesome Christmas, we just can't afford a whole helluva lot.  If the BOTH of us had jobs, it'd be NO PROBLEM.  But I have no job and therefore, there's a problem.
I don't know how we're going to do it.  As it is, the majority of our bills are due during this part of the month, plus the other half of the rent that we don't have.She doesn't really care if the things she receives are used; when she's grown out of stuff or no longer needs it, we put it in a big box to give to the local women and children center.  I have two huge boxes full.  I wonder if we shouldn't wrap the stuff in those boxes and drop them off at the shelter between Solstice and Christmas.  All we'd need is wrapping paper.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Plans for this week

The last few weeks have included a lot of job searching.  Last week, I had a temp assignment for only one day stuffing envelopes.  I get that paycheck this-coming Friday.

Last Friday, I applied for a job with Walmart (again; third time since May) as a full-time cashier.  At this point, full-time (40 hours/week) at $8/hour is better than nothing.  One can only hope that with my retail experience of the last 13 years, I can start at something higher than minimum wage.  I'll show them just how dedicated I am by working as much as possible.  I'm calling them later today to follow up on it.

I don't think I'll hear back from that dentist office until after the new year; same goes for the Red River Army Depot.  I've also applied for a municipal country clerk position with the city as well as a customer service rep for Newly Weds Foods.  I haven't heard a thing from anybody.

I don't know what else to do for work.

It seems all I have to talk about is my job search and the lack of work.  It sucks.

Saturday, December 04, 2010


I really should have updated more last month.  I think I've let down the few people actually subscribed to my blog, though I'm not sure how many actually read it.

Patrick starts his new job on Monday.  We're excited.  Yesterday was his last day at Staples.

I'm still looking for work, expanding my search area to everywhere within 45 minutes of where we are now.  I'm trying every aspect I can and I really hope something bites soon.

It was too easy to get back into the habit of staying up until 2am and rolling out of bed between ten and noon.  We've been watching season two of True Blood the last few nights, staying up until four in the morning.  The days are blurring together; half the time, I'm not sure if it's a weekend or a weekday.  I hate that.

Bills are still okay... ish.  Nothing big is due yet, but I'm scared for when it is and if we're going to have the funds to pay it.  The largest bills we have are electric and internet (with the bandwith allowance and the reset tokens).  The internet is probably over $100 and I'm sure our electric bill isn't trailing too far behind (I'm thinking $150 or so).  I hope we can get things taken care of by the time he receives his first paycheck or I find a job.

I need to find a job and I'm not sure if I can actually sell the La Bella Baskets.  If I do sell those, it will have to wait until I find a job and branch out from there.  That money would have to supplement between paychecks.

I'm sure it will all look up soon; I'm just tired of waiting.