Friday, December 31, 2010

Changes and a New Year

I wanted to change the template and background image a little bit.  I wanted it to emulate what my headline and tagline say.  I think I've done that.

I also want to say Happy New Year to those subscribed to my blog.  My husband and I are spending the eve watching a Ghost Adventures marathon on the Travel Channel.  Bella is watching movies in our room.  Mom is away for the night; I hope she has a wonderful time.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What will the new year hold?

My goals for the new year are:
  • Go back to school for a Criminal Justice degree
  • Find a job
  • Buy a house
  • Make the birthdays for the kids good birthdays
  • Make Christmas for the kids a good one
  • Become financially stable
I can only hope this can happen.  I'm hopeful.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Following up from a post back in October

It's about the conversations with an old relationship.

I know those feelings are false; I buried them or they just went away.  One always has that special place in their heart for their first love, but the feelings aren't the same, nor as strong, as the feelings one has with their spouse.. the one person they're meant to be with.

I remember the good times, but I also remember that we are two completely different people, and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy with the relationship I have with my husband.  He's one of the most amazing people I know.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Emotional Rollercoaster

I'm feeling strange this time of year.  I wouldn't say we're broke, but our holidays seem bleak this year.  I said that before, somewhere, and I still think it.  If I still had a job, it wouldn't be as bad.  It'll be an okay year for Bella and her gifts.  My mom gave her a bunch of books (they look kind of cheesy) that remind me of tourist stops.

The previous post I made was originally placed in one of my mom groups.  Someone took it upon themselves to help.  I was very touched by this thought.  I was informed by an anonymous message that something from Amazon would be arriving for Bella this week.  This message choked me up a little bit.

Tonight, we found the Amazon parcel on our porch.  Inside was an awesome Play-Doh set and four 12-piece wooden puzzles.  I made tonight gift wrapping night and was able to wrap them with everything else.  When I started wrapping them, I almost started crying.  Hell, I'm close to crying as I type.

I'm not really sure where to go from here.  I guess part of it is that I miss the great Christmas's my sister and I had as kids.  There were always plenty of gifts beneath the tree, and they weren't all books.  Don't get me wrong, I love books, but... kids don't always want books for the holidays or birthdays.  The big thing she wants this year are Zoobles.

I feel like an emotional mess.  Things that shouldn't make one weepy, get me choked up.  My sleep schedule is off.  I got to bed after 2am last night and didn't get out of bed until almost 1pm.  Bella was fed and playing and everything, but I couldn't stay awake.  Sometimes (a lot of the time) I find myself zoning out, my eyes glazing over.  This happens when I'm at the table eating dinner with my family, when I'm driving, when I'm lounging, grocery shopping.  It happens frequently.

I'm not pregnant; that's normally the first thing people think of when presented with these symptoms.

The best thing I can think of is depression.  In my case, I think my depression is caused by stress.  My stress is caused by my lack of a job.  It seems like I may not be good enough for any of the jobs here.  I have the experience, I have the know-how, I KNOW I can do every job that I've applied for in the last several months.  No one has called!  I keep making follow-up calls from online applications that I've filled out.

At this point, I'm not sure what else I can do.  One can only comb the internet for so long before one loses the determination.  I know I need to find a job, but when no one calls back, it's disheartening.  I really don't know what else to do at this point.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I wonder if we're going to afford it this year


Haven't started wrapping the gifts from my mom (she sent us goodies from Harry & David that just arrived today), nor is our tree up.  We haven't gotten anything for each other this year because, well, we can't afford it.  I wanted to make sure my Secret Ninja was able to get something special and I have that ready. 
I know that I can spend probably all of $15 on Bella and she'd love it.  The single pack of Zoobles are on sale at Walmart for $5/piece.  She has four of the things now and our "family" here have already gotten her some.  I don't remember which numbers they got for her, but I do remember that they didn't get the same numbers.
Even thogh we're on our own again, this feels like the worst holiday ever.  We can't even get gifts for ourselves this year.  Our friends have told us not to get them anything.  I appreciate that they understand that we can't, but it's also a blow to my/our pride.
I didn't even THINK of doing stocking stuffers!  Add that to the we-really-can't-afford-it list. 
For my bonus son this year, I'm sending him three gift cards for Target with $25 on them.  I'm getting these for being a moderator in the Smarter Living group until January and I figure it's better than nothing.  Apparently, ex-wife needs money, too.  Well, I'm sorry, but we kind of need it just as much.  We need groceries to last for two weeks, a phone that works so that the two of them can talk to each other regularly, internet so they can email and play games online together.  As much as I want for my bonus son to have an awesome Christmas, we just can't afford a whole helluva lot.  If the BOTH of us had jobs, it'd be NO PROBLEM.  But I have no job and therefore, there's a problem.
I don't know how we're going to do it.  As it is, the majority of our bills are due during this part of the month, plus the other half of the rent that we don't have.She doesn't really care if the things she receives are used; when she's grown out of stuff or no longer needs it, we put it in a big box to give to the local women and children center.  I have two huge boxes full.  I wonder if we shouldn't wrap the stuff in those boxes and drop them off at the shelter between Solstice and Christmas.  All we'd need is wrapping paper.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Plans for this week

The last few weeks have included a lot of job searching.  Last week, I had a temp assignment for only one day stuffing envelopes.  I get that paycheck this-coming Friday.

Last Friday, I applied for a job with Walmart (again; third time since May) as a full-time cashier.  At this point, full-time (40 hours/week) at $8/hour is better than nothing.  One can only hope that with my retail experience of the last 13 years, I can start at something higher than minimum wage.  I'll show them just how dedicated I am by working as much as possible.  I'm calling them later today to follow up on it.

I don't think I'll hear back from that dentist office until after the new year; same goes for the Red River Army Depot.  I've also applied for a municipal country clerk position with the city as well as a customer service rep for Newly Weds Foods.  I haven't heard a thing from anybody.

I don't know what else to do for work.

It seems all I have to talk about is my job search and the lack of work.  It sucks.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Scarce

I really should have updated more last month.  I think I've let down the few people actually subscribed to my blog, though I'm not sure how many actually read it.

Patrick starts his new job on Monday.  We're excited.  Yesterday was his last day at Staples.

I'm still looking for work, expanding my search area to everywhere within 45 minutes of where we are now.  I'm trying every aspect I can and I really hope something bites soon.

It was too easy to get back into the habit of staying up until 2am and rolling out of bed between ten and noon.  We've been watching season two of True Blood the last few nights, staying up until four in the morning.  The days are blurring together; half the time, I'm not sure if it's a weekend or a weekday.  I hate that.

Bills are still okay... ish.  Nothing big is due yet, but I'm scared for when it is and if we're going to have the funds to pay it.  The largest bills we have are electric and internet (with the bandwith allowance and the reset tokens).  The internet is probably over $100 and I'm sure our electric bill isn't trailing too far behind (I'm thinking $150 or so).  I hope we can get things taken care of by the time he receives his first paycheck or I find a job.

I need to find a job and I'm not sure if I can actually sell the La Bella Baskets.  If I do sell those, it will have to wait until I find a job and branch out from there.  That money would have to supplement between paychecks.

I'm sure it will all look up soon; I'm just tired of waiting.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Zoobles!

This is the only thing my daughter is asking for.  I figure since that's the case, I don't mind getting them for her, as we can afford them.  They're super cute and really neat.  The adults thought they were pretty cool.. at least, the women did.  The boys were like, "Eh, they're toys."  The pictures below are the two that Bella received for her birthday. They're so cute!!!








Thursday, November 18, 2010

Happy Birthday, My Bella!

Four years ago today, this very moment, I was very pregnant.  I was eight days overdue and waiting for my daughter to arrive.  My mother had arrived just a couple of hours from right now four years ago, rubbed my belly and said, "Bella, it's time to come out and play!"  Several hours after that, my water broke and I waited for the contractions.  This was also me freaking out about what to do.  I was dumbfounded for about half an hour.

Me at 9 months


















We rushed to the hospital, with Dee keeping track of my contractions.  During the car ride, I was sending mass text messages to nearly everyone in my phone book telling them my water broke and that I was in labor.  I received a few back asking who was messaging them, but the rest were wishing me luck.

We arrived at the hospital and my pants were soaked in amniotic fluid.  I was contracting fast and in pain.  We rushed up the the labor and delivery floor.  I peed on a stick for them to make sure that it was, in fact, amniotic fluid and then I was examined.  I have no idea how far dilated I was or how effaced I was.  All I knew was that I was in pain with the contractions.  After a few different doctors examining me, they came to the conclusion that she was breech.

Not long after receiving that news, I was being prepared for surgery.  I didn't want them to turn her and chance getting the umbilical cord stuck and I didn't want them to try and deliver her vaginally with her being breech.  I told them I wanted a Cesarean section.

The next block of time is a blur for me.  I remember that I was in a gurney, being asked questions about my medical history, both moms answering for me.  I was given medication to alleviate the pain and my lower abdomen was numbed.  I kept thinking I had to poop, but that was more like my body telling me to push.  Everyone around me told me not to push.  But, I wanted to push!!  The sensation was overwhelming!

I was wheeled into the OR and Patrick was there with me, holding my hand, kissing my face.  I could feel tugging, but I felt no pain.  They'd given me a saddle-block, which numbed everything from the ribcage down.  They pulled my darling daughter from my uterus and held her to me.  I did what any other mother did; I sobbed and gave her a kiss.  I wasn't able to hold her until later.  Now that she had been delivered, we both needed to be cleaned up.

Belladonna Satine was delivered at 2113 on November 18, 2006 at Naval Medical Center in San Diego, California.  She was 7 pounds 6.5 ounces and was 18 inches long.  At the age of 4, she's 35 pounds and 40 inches tall.  She's a tall and thin 4-year-old.  At this age, it's hard to find pants that fit her.  She's long in the leg and small in the waist.  We either need to use belts or settle with capri pants.

Newborn Bella


















Bella 1 Year


















Bella 2 Years


Bella 3 Years


Bella 4 Years
To be added later.  =)

She's already gone

And with that, my mother is gone.  I think it's stupid; she promised to be here for a week.

Her husband is sick and all alone.  Okay, why can't he be an ADULT and take care of himself?  I wonder if anyone else finds that it's mighty curious that he just happened to get sick the week she chose to come and visit ME.  I find it really curious.  Thank you, Asshole, once again for ruining a perfectly good visit.

On top of that, she claimed to be "miserable."  It's too humid, she's always hot.  What?  It's the middle of November and it's been CHILLY since she got here!  We keep it warm in the house because Dee runs really cold.

Personally, I think she just wanted to get the hell out of the trailer we live in; I think she can't stand the fact that we're in a trailer and not an apartment or house.  I'm also pretty sure that she associates it with trailer trash types.

Fine; we don't need or want you down here.  Come back and visit after your husband dies.  At least then, you won't have to worry about him getting sick the MOMENT you leave to visit YOUR kid and grandkid.

He can suck a big fat cock and choke on it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Unemployed again

Today, I'm heading over to Texas Work Force to apply for a few city jobs.  I really hope it works out.

My mom is here visiting for a week; she arrived yesterday, late morning.  I think we're going to head out to Walmart this afternoon and pick up curtains for our bedroom and Bella's bedroom.  We're using shawls and afghans from Ireland as curtains.

I've also returned from the Texas Work Force center to apply for some jobs.  A couple of them sound very promising; it's just a matter of them getting back to me in a timely manner.  We have bills coming up within the next week that REQUIRE my paycheck.  I hope something comes up soon.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Blogs that I follow

My buddy, Mike, has a blog on livejournal that I follow:  Creative Critically
This is an interesting and very informative blog:  One Witch's Wonderland
One of my most awesome friends; and I've only actually met her once:  That's what she said

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I know who my Secret Ninja is!

Just kidding.  I don't.  I do have some guesses, though.  There isn't any specific reason why I'm guessing the following for my Secret Ninja; I'm just throwing it out there.

-Jo
-Keri
-Lori
-Ann
-Stacy
-Katie

That's all I've got for now.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Ninja Pregnancy Triad


Last night, I had an odd dream.  For whatever reason, I was dreaming of the characters from "Breaking Dawn."  No idea why; I haven't read the book in forever.  But, the main female character was pregnant.  That female character evolved into me.
I dreamed about making a Secret Ninja post in here about "Guess Who Completed the Pregnant Ninja Triad?" post.
I remember we were really scared about something and had an amnio (thank god dreams can null any pain) and we found out we were having a boy; we were going to have our Jareth Constantine (another mouthful, I know).
While we're basking in this news, I see a cut-scene (like out of a television show or movie) to Wil Wheaton playing a bad guy (he does it so well!).  Sort of.  He plays a teacher IM'ing on Facebook with one of his struggling students (male; kid's mom is right there monitoring) and the student get really frustrated with something and, when Mom isn't looking, types his cell phone number into the chat box with a request to call/text, and closes the window.  Mom asks what happened and he says that the teacher had to go.
Another cut-scene.  The teacher (Wil Wheaton) and the kid meet up.  It looks harmless, but we all know how this particular story ends.
I'm still not sure about the Ninja Pregnancy Triad.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Overtime

Today is spent looking out the window to a gloomy, overcast day.  Temps are relatively cool.  Today is also spent making copies of six month's worth of weekly time sheets for only five personnel.  I started this yesterday afternoon, picking up on it this morning.  I'm on the first week of June.  I have a long day and it almost noon.  I think they're covertly trying to mentally log how much time is spent online.  Technically, it's all day due to my Pandora radio.  This current post was typed in Word before posting to the group.  I'm hoping to have July started by the time I leave today.
I got a call from Mollye (yep, that's how it's spelled) from Century 21 yesterday evening (just before leaving work).  Patrick and I spoke with her when we were down here in May getting a feel for the place.  She told us that when we were ready to start looking for a house, to contact her and she'd get our VA stuff started.  We've decided to not go with the VA because they take forever and our friends in CO had a tough time with them and went with a private lender.  Mollye gave me the number to a private lender that has apparently worked wonders.  She tells me that the last two or three clients who've purchased a home through her wouldn't have normally been approved for much of anything, if at all.  I've asked Patrick (though Facebook messages) to call the lender and make an appointment, since his schedule is the one that changes more often than mine.  I hope he calls her.  Mollye is going to try and get us in to see the house we want on Wednesday afternoon (tomorrow).
From what Mollye tells me, if we can get the ball rolling now, we could be in a house within the next 4-6 weeks.  Now, she isn't guaranteeing (that word looks wrong but Word says it's right) anything but it's conceivable that we could be in a house by the end of the year.  This would be fabulous.  What would be even more fabulous is if things were moving so quickly we'd be in a house by the time we celebrate Bella's birthday (though on November 18th, celebrating on the 20th instead).
Oh, and I hate sharing the copy machine with the fax machine.  It blows, especially when a 20+ page fax is coming in.  Holy donkey balls, people!
Oh yeah, since all of this copying needs to be done tonight, I can guran-damn-tee you I'll have OT this week.

Monday, November 01, 2010

My Anxiety - I made a HUGE step this weekend


Y'all should be damn proud of me.. damnit.
Our friend, Jessica, swung by the house (ha! not a house) to pick up myself and Bella to go to her Mexican Uncle's place.  (They're pretty much adopted family and everyone in the family seems to refer to them by the moniker.)  We stopped off at Walmart so I could get new shoes for Bella (we spent ten minutes searching her tiny-ass room for her other Tinkerbell shoe to no avail) and some socks that fit.  From there, we were driving for about 20 minutes to get to her family's place.
We get there and people are just showing up.  Some others had already shown up and things were going well.  Jessica's husband, Derek (Pat's best friend), was already there.  Both Jessica and Derek kept telling me that Bella is already considered family by proxy (did I use that right?) and that even if I can't see her, someone does and will keep an eye on her.  I was VERY leery about this, even though they're all technically family.
Bella had a great time running around the property, looking at all the Halloween decorations and playing with a puppy named Sweetie.  She even made a friend with a little boy dressed as Zorro; they took turns "scaring" each other.  Too cute.
As the evening wore on, a bouncy house was introduced.  Enter my anxiety music.  I was sitting by the fire staying warm (it gets damn cold her at night!) and Bella and Derek went over to the bouncy house to play.  He let her run loose into the bouncy house and returned to where I was near the fire (I'm terrible with measurements, but let's just say that it's the length of a trailer home from the bouncy house to where I was sitting).  I wanted her to have fun with the other kids.  It took ALL of my self control to NOT get up and hover, like a helicopter parent.
She ended up coming out on her own because it was too wet inside.  The tarping and whatnot was a little wet when they unfurled it to blow it up moments earlier.  She was inside for all of maybe five minutes before she wanted out.  We told her she could go back in if she wanted once it was dry.  She didn't go back in.  She was having too much fun visiting with everyone.
There was even a very elderly abuelita there, wrapped up in blankets and enjoying the laughing children.  They didn't speak a word of the other's language, but it was awesome to see the interaction.

Moral of the story?  Be damn proud that I'm slowly overcoming this damn anxiety.  On a scale of 1-10, for the whole five minutes she was completely out of my sight but among friendlies, I was feeling a 7.. maybe 8.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today is a long one

I should have called my sister after having that dream.  I'm not really sure why I didn't.

I think of her often, how she and my nephew are doing.  She's made nearly a 180 since she had her son.  She started smoking long before I did (she's younger than me), was a heavy drinker, and experimented with drugs.  When she found out she was pregnant, she quit smoking cold turkey, didn't drink, and obviously no drugs.  She was in the Navy at that point and hadn't done any for some time.

I smoke, rarely drink, and did my own fair share of experimenting.  I smoked during my pregnancy, but not a lot; my daughter is perfectly healthy.  My sister now turns her nose up at smokers, though not as badly as my mother.  They both seem like hypocrites to me now.

Another thing that bothers me is that she's still viewed as the "golden child."  She had good grades all through school; I didn't.  She graduated high school early and joined the Navy; I graduated early but joined the Navy later.  She was in a solid relationship and engaged when she became pregnant; I was in a solid relationship and married when I became pregnant.

After leaving California and separating from her now ex-fiancĂ©, she was GIVEN her apartment and practically GIVEN the job she has now.  I've had to work for everything I have.  The only thing I was really GIVEN was a place to live after we moved to Texas.  We're doing things on our own to find our own house.  I found this job through a temp agency; it wasn't just given to me because of who I know.

It seems like she's been handed everything to make her life, and that of her son, comfortable.  I haven't.  Yeah, my mom bought Patrick his truck and we need to pay her back, but it seems like if it were my sister, she wouldn't have to pay back anything.  I'm sure that the apartment she's living in is just fine, with hardly any problems.  We've had problems with our trailer since the day we moved in back in July.  Now that we have a good budget going, we're exploring the option of owning a home.

I keep hoping that one of these days, I can be seen as the "golden child" for making the right decisions and not taking any handouts.

Work is still there.  I've spent the last few days consolidating personnel files and creating new files for projects bid on.  I'm now supposed to e-file our taxes for New York for 2008 and 2009.  The website is not helpful, so I'm on hold.. and have been for over 20 minutes.  Hopefully someone will pick up.

I'm wondering if, when I'm hired here full-time, I'll get a cell phone, too.  They just hired a new accountant and they gave him one today.  Pretty much everyone here has a business cell phone.

I've been busting my ass on getting our budget worked out.  The bills are roughly the same every month (phone, internet, car insurance, trash) except for the electric bill.  We're nearly to the point where, by the next week (payday), we're about $100 in the positive.  Whenever I work out the budget for the next week, I mentally file away the amount that we're positive and start from zero.  In my head, this means that we'll have more available later.

We're trying to save up for a couple of things before the year is out.  My mom is coming out next month for Bella's 4th birthday; we're putting her up in a hotel so she doesn't have to deal with the smoke and our weird hours.  We're also hoping to get my bonus son out here for Yule.  He's considered an unaccompanied minor and always has to be done over the phone.  By the time he's old enough to travel alone, he might be already living with us.  We're also trying to figure out birthday and holiday gifts this year.  I have an idea for both kids, just not sure how we're going to do it.

Our trailer is crap.  There's no getting around it.  The floors are uneven, the front door needs to be sealed at the bottom (massive rain/thunder storm over the weekend and it was leaking rain water inside), and I found out on Saturday that the window above the toilet in our bathroom is cracked (from one end to the other).  There's just a square piece of duct tape holding it together.

We've been searching on www.zillow.com for affordable houses in our area.  We found the perfect house with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, living area, kitchen, dining room, and a fenced in backyard.  It's under $60K and monthly payments (including all taxes) is about five bucks more than what we're paying now.  The house is over 1,800 square feet; our trailer is roughly 1,200.  Paying the same per month for 600 more square feet?  I think so!  I go to the bank on Friday to deposit my paycheck and then I'm talking to a home loan officer to see what I can get pre-qualified for.  If it's not enough, we have a good back-up plan.

That's pretty much all I've got right now.  Hopefully this enough to let off my chest and I won't have to do another like this for awhile.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I dreamed about my sister again

The dream I had about my sister also had some of my "sleuthy" friends, too.  I have no idea what it means.

I remember helping to keep away a friend of mine (her kids were in the dream, too; we'll call her A.R.) away from someone who was trying to hurt her, assault her.  I don't recall kicking anyone's ass, but I know I did my very best to protect them.  When I thought they were safe, I left for another place.

I was walking along a sidewalk with someone when I ran into my sister.  She looked a wreck and really upset.  Just as she began speaking, a male voice said to me (I know I was with a guy, I just can't place the voice or face), "Hey, it's your sister, A----."

I was upset with him for talking while she was trying to talk.  I looked him in the eye (still can't tell you what he looks like) and said, "I know it's my sister rape."  And that's when it hits me (in the dream); my sister's been sexually assaulted this time and brutally.  I tried to back pedal from what I'd just said, and she looked at me with a glint in her eye.  She smiled her crooked smile wearing black/red lipstick.  She tried to bring me back to the place where she'd been assaulted.  I wouldn't go in with her.  I tried to keep her from going back.  She wouldn't leave with me.

I remember feeling hurt and her yelling at me for not coming with her to "join the fun."  I remember going up to the window where I'd heard her and whispered something like, "Well, at least I'm not going to die a whore, like you."  I ran off as she came to the window screaming at me again.

I woke up wanting to help her.  It took me two days to gather up what I could to type that out.    I have no idea what to make of this dream.  I feel awful.  I feel terrible.  I love my sister and I'd do everything in my power to keep her safe.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now I'm upset

I haven't touched any time sheets at work in over a week.  All I've done at work is filing paid invoices and done research on getting licensed or renewing licenses in the lower 48 states.  No payroll, which I was hired on to do. I feel as though I'm now just wasting space and I should just stay home instead of spend the day here, doing what I would normally be doing at home -- sitting on my ass doing NOTHING.

I've done all that I can with the states that I can.  There is no way to progress further.  I've been staring at the same Secretary of State web pages for the last week, knowing that there's nothing else I can do.  Forms and packets have been filled out to the best of my ability; these are currently with my supervisor so she can fill in the blanks.  For one state in particular, the utility manager needs to take a safety course that uses OSHA material.  For another, I have to wait for my supervisor to email a letter (on company letterhead) to the one state informing them that the original person who set up things on their site no longer works here.

I'm just really damn irritated.  If it's going to be like this for the rest of the time I'm employed here, I'm really hoping the GS position I applied for works out.  At least there, I'll feel useful.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I love my Converse shoes

I dunno.  There's just something about my black Converse shoes.  I normally don't tie the laces; my ankle hurts after awhile with that.  When they're loose, they feel amazing.  I would wear these shoes with skirts and dresses, if I owned any of those clothing items.  They are one of the few pairs of shoes I own where my feet don't seem as big as they really are.

I love them, my black Converse shoes.



Calm seas

Any drama that ensued yesterday has died down and problems have been solved.  I'm glad to still have my friends.  It seems the bond has become stronger.  Eventually, I won't have the fear of posting what I'm thinking; I doubt it will take too long.  They are trustworthy women.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Secrets don't make friends

Have you ever tried to play Switzerland in a disagreement among friends only for it to blow up in your face?  It sucks.  Your loyalties are questioned, as is your ability to be trusted.  I've learned from past experiences that I'd rather be diplomatic and try to solve the problem.

Hell, even as I write this blog entry, I can't help but think these neutral words will be held against me.  I want to vent about the whole situation, but I'm not going to.  I'll find other ways to vent.

I just hate seeing my friends (though I've only met one and spoken on the phone with at least three of them, asking for advice) disagree this way.

I'm hoping things start settling by the end of the day.  This sort of thing takes a lot out of anyone participating.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Wow, Useless

So, in the last few work days, I haven't touched any kind of time sheet or payroll.  I'm beginning to wonder why.  At first, I was told it was because there were too many batches in the system [used for entering payroll].  I checked it when I came in this morning, hoping to input some of last weeks time sheets, but nothing. All I've done is look up what needs to be done to renew business contracts with other states as well as find and figure out or create usernames and passwords for states listed on an Excel spreadsheet.  This is not making me feel useful.. at all.  I'm just trying to figure out what is really going on in their heads.

I applied for a GS4 position in Texarkana.  It's pretty much what the GS7 position was only 3 pay grades below.  The earnings for the GS4 per hour are higher than what I'm doing now and I'd be back in the government element (which is something I kind of miss).  Sometimes, but not often, I wonder about going back in the Navy, but if I did that now, I'd have lost the E4 I worked so hard to get.  So, maybe not.

Trying to figure out what (if anything) to do for Bella's 4th birthday next month.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that going all out for a birthday she won't remember in ten years, it's a dumb idea.  It will be best if something is done at home, with the six other people we know here in Mt. Pleasant, Texas.  I've invited other Texas friends to come along, too, but I don't know if they'll make that drive just for a birthday party for a preschooler.  Couldn't hurt to ask, right?

Friday, October 15, 2010

The weekend is quickly upon us

So, yesterday on my way home from work, I was pulled over by a state trooper.  Apparently, I was speeding.  My speedometer read 70 (which is the speed limit); apparently my speedometer is off by nearly five miles (so when I think I'm going 70, it's closer to 75).  I received a warning and was told to get my car registered for Texas as well as get a Texas driver license.  I think I can get this done next week.

Yesterday, we were given a bonus of $100.  I spent a portion of mine on a Dew fridgemate (splurge), milk, and Food Club ice cream (splurge).  I'd also ordered 3 pizzas and cheeses ticks from Pizza Hut (another splurge).  I still have almost $50 left; I put it in our special/emergencies hiding place.  I won't say where that place is, but let's just say the money will smell wonderful when/if we need it.

I'm wondering if my co-workers think me dense.  Seriously.  I'm supposed to be entering time sheets all week (as they come in) as well as compare them to other sheets.  I've barely touched them this week; instead the other two girls are doing it and I'm stuck just doing state registration, sales tax online payment, renewing state contractor licenses.  I thought I was hired on as a payroll clerk as well as admin support.

Whatever though.  Today is Friday.  Today is another day where lunch is courtesy of the company.  Lunch is from Laura's Cheesecake and Bakery and they have a killer bacon club wrap with chipotle sauce.  Oh.  My.  Gods.  Yummy.

Turkey Club Wrap

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Love Lost sayings...

If my followers think of any, please post them in the comments.

I know that loving someone enough to love them forever doesn't mean it's best to BE with them forever.
Learn to appreciate the rainbow after cursing the rain, its just like loving again after experiencing the pain :)
Behind every darkness, there's a shining light waiting for you to find it. Behind every best friend, there's always trust and love! :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I want to punch him in the face

My mom shared/like/commented/whatever on this photo from my sister's Facebook page.  This is Asshole holding my nephew.. smiling.  He NEVER did this with my daughter.  Seeing this picture hurts.  A lot.  I want to punch this man in the face, breaking his nose, and causing his teeth to fall out.  I want to hurt him because of how much it hurts me.

He was never smiling or happy when my daughter (who absolutely adores him for unknown reasons) was around.  I'm literally on the verge of tears.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Emotions

Feeling really emotional and kinda weepy today.  I'm not even sure why.  At least two of my friends are pregnant (one is a surprise and the other was planned).  Last night, I had sympathy symptoms from BOTH of them; I'm trying to figure out which one is emotional today.

I don't have any explanation.

Lover After Me - Savage Garden

Here I go again, I promised myself 
I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just the that everywhere I go 
All the buildings know your name like
Photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world 
That didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny, but I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again, I promised myself 
I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name 'cause I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me