Monday, December 31, 2007

Grow a Brain, People!

This is taken from a journal post I made on a moms website. Sometimes, I feel really proud of myself for making good arguments and points. I can't help but beam about this post.

This kind of goes along with my last journal post on that moms website (posted at the bottom of this entry). The same people mentioned in that post, as well of loads of other people, seem to rely heavily on those who can do readings, be it tarot, rune, psychic, etc. There have been groups I've been in, in hopes of helping others with my Tarot, only to find out that people are whiny and cannot rely on themselves to pick up and live their lives. They need someone to tell them where they're going, how to do, what they need to do; do they need someone to wipe their ass as well? It's amazing they can even get by in their day-to-day lives without calling up the local tea leaf reader! I have left groups because I couldn't handle being around so many whiny people. Can you give me a reading? My life is shit, can I have a reading? I can't shit right, can I have a reading? My cousin's friend's sister's aunt's baby daddy hasn't been around much but I still want to know if they're going to be there for their kid, can I have a reading? If you can't see for yourself that someone's baby daddy won't be there until they grow up and mature, then you need to mature a little bit and learn how to read actions. People like this annoy the hell out of me. It really is a wonder to me how they have lived up until now without any kind of divinatory or psychic help. If you come running to me because you can't figure out what to do at 1:27pm next Thursday, I won't tell you; if anything, I'll tell you to just live your life as you normally would. Don't clog up time over the little shit. You can work through it yourself. Be an adult, grow a brain and stop asking people to think for you.

Oh yeah.. the folks who say, "...when you have the time," is just their way of guilt-tripping you into giving them a reading sooner and/or before someone before them! I was in a group when I first joined CafeMom and offered to do readings while my husband was deployed. I gave specific guidelines, and when I said that I was no longer offering them to new people, I would still get bombarded with requests! I finally had to leave the group and give another reader the remaining names I had to do readings for. It was too much for me to handle; people constantly nagging and asking you for a reading.

I keep thinking to myself.. if they really want a reading and don't want to wait, learn how to do it yourself. If you want a psychic to help you, wait in line. The ratio of psychics to non-psychics is probably a 1 to 200+ so wait your turn. Otherwise, go to your local occult store (or Barnes & Noble, as they carry Tarot cards) and pick up the simplest Tarot deck you can find; you can ask the nice sales associate to help you, as that's what they're there for. Tell them you need a very simple, easy to read deck, as it is your first and you're learning. Pay them and take the deck home so you can learn to do your own fortunes. When you feel comfortable enough, offer to your friends.. and then see the requests come piling in. Soon, you'll find yourself swamped with people to read for and then, maybe then, you'll understand what it's like to be someone who can do readings and understand why they aren't offered very often. This especially goes if the only layout you can do is the Celtic Cross, as it takes up much of your time.

*big breath*

Okay I feel better.

Also, those asking if there are children in their future.. Ummm, take a look at both your families and figure out the ration and read up on your family medical history. My husband and I, when we first started talking about having kids, deducted that yes we'd be able to reproduce (hell, he already had a son previously) and that, more than likely, it would be a girl. Why? We looked at both our families. Let's start with his.

His grandmother was only one of 10 or 12 children, four of those children were sets of twins. As far as I know, neither made it through childhood. She had more sisters than brothers. Her children: three girls, one boy. First daughter had my son (and a miscarriage; tubes tied afterward), second daughter had two girls one boy, third daughter had three girls, and the son had one boy. My husband had one boy with his ex-wife. One of his cousins had a baby and was a girl. Now, my family.

My grandmother is one of five children; three boys, two girls (if I remember correctly). My grandmother's children were all girls. Her oldest daughter had two boys, one girl; her middle daughter had one of each; my mother had two girls. My oldest cousin had a girl with his wife. So, deductive reasoning told me we were having a girl. Found out later that my cousin had a little boy this summer, as did my sister.

Again, this goes back to grow a brain. Look at your family history (both of you) to deduct what gender of baby you're having. The previous paragraphs are to the best of my knowledge.

Journal post previously mentioned:
I'm trying to figure out why people (in general) shun those who practice magick and tarot cards and such, yet they're obsessed with knowing their future and destiny. All the time, I see people poking fun at my beliefs, yet when they want to know if their luck is going to change, or will they finally find their one true love, etc., the first people they go to are the ones they made fun of (for reading Tarot, casting stones [Runes], using the psychics they claimed they never believed in). I don't get this.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Birthday Pictures and Yule

Took Bella to get her pictures done yesterday. They turned out okay, actually. I'm gonna go back next week (Sunday) to get the Yule/Christmas ones done, in the same red dress from the last two pictures. I love taking her in for pictures! I wish I could do it once a week.

While I was out with Bella, Patrick and his mom went out shopping for a tree and ornaments. First they picked up a three foot tree.. then promptly took it down (think "Charlie Brown Christmas") so I brought it into work with me this morning, with some extra ornaments. I haven't put it up yet, but I will.

Saturday, we all went up to Lancaster (six hour drive, round trip) to see his family for their Christmas get together. They decided it better to get gifts for the kids this year (just like last year) and that's just fine. Thing is, for as much as they asked about him, no one got Jeffrey (Patrick's son) a damn thing. They had stuff for Belladonna and "little" Billy (dad's name is Billy, too, so we all refer to him as "little" Billy), but not Jeffrey. I noticed this and thought it to be especially rude to ask about him but not get him anything.

On with the photos! The third one I got as a free 8x10, for it being her birthday. I bought the second red dress photo as an 8x10 the her great grandma, who bought her the red dress.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Finding a Reliable Baby Sitter

I just can't seem to keep a fucking sitter. And it's not like Bella is a difficult child!! She has her days and moments, but all kids do.

The first sitter we had, Bree, was great. She was a friend of mine from Denver. She married a Navy guy and came out here to SD. They had a son in February 2005, Achilles (yup, named for the movie Troy). She watched Bella for a couple/few weeks and all was good... until we found out he was getting new orders and going to GUAM. So much for that. She watched Bella from early January through early/mid-February.

The second sitter, Naomi, came recommended to me through a girl I worked with while still active duty. Naomi was the girl's neighbor and was actually recommended through her sitter. Things were working out great! She had no problem with the fact that I could only pay her $150/two weeks (my friend didn't seem to mind this at all, either). She had four kids, three in school. At this point, Bella was still small enough that she didn't move around or do much. She tells me at the beginning (or middle) of May that she can't watch Bella starting June 1. "...my kids aren't doing well enough in school and I need to be there with them when they get home to do their homework, as it is, one has to do summer school... yada yada." Yeah, whatever, you just don't want to watch her anymore. Just fucking tell me! As it happened, the last week she watched Bella was also my last week at the temp job I was working.. so no money to pay her. Granted, my husband had left for a deployment, but he was still getting normal pay (it hadn't taken affect yet, the extra pay one gets for deploying), so I barely had enough to make some of the important bills. She'd stop by my house once a week, asking for what I owed her. One week, all I had was $20; I stopped by her house saying, "Look, this is all the money I have to my name; go ahead and take it and I'll give you the rest when he gets paid, since I have no work right now." She goes on to say that she needs it for bills, etc. and I'm thinking, okay where were you before I came along and started giving you $150 every two fucking weeks?! I finally paid her and have washed my hands of her.

I got the job at Babies R Us in July and MIL watched Bella. No problems there.

And then, this last one,Heather. I was going back to work, full time, doing admin work; being contracted out to a DoD university. We needed another sitter, because MIL had gotten a job working at Red Envelope for seasonal work, starting in November. Cool beans for her. I was talking to an SD Mom and she lives just up the street from where I work. She has a 15 month old son of her own. I asked her if she'd be able to watch Bella, dropping her off around 6:45 every morning and being there between 3:25 and 3:30 every afternoon. I told her what I'd be able to pay her and she talked it over with her husband. She said, sure let's give it a trial run for a week. Trial run went really well. Bella and Robbie got along FAMOUSLY. Then, Bella gets sick (totally random) last Wednesday. No fever, just not feeling very well. She threw up all over her blankets and stuff in the pack and play (which the new sitter provided; I offered our pack and play). I take half the day off from work. Tuesday this week, she has a major poopie blowout. We call it "butt explosion." She said it was green and that green poop is a sign of a viral infection. Okay, whatever. She had green veggies for lunch the day before; that seems to be a pretty good explanation. Besides, Bella has at least 2-3 butt explosions a week. This is normal. She had to be put in the change of clothes I supplied. Then yesterday. She throws up once, not happy. She throws up a second time, getting it all over her clothes, the blankets and the pack and play. Heather tells me she doesn't feel comfortable watching Bella until she sees a doctor. I don't like going to the doctor for the sniffles or a tummy ache; I self-medicate. I wasn't about to take Bella to the doctor because she wasn't feeling well. Besides, all the doc would say is to keep giving her Tylenol every four hours, try to keep her hydrated (picked up Gerber LiquiLite last night) and make sure she gets plenty of rest. No biggie. She also sprung on me yesterday morning that, "...due to personal and financial reaons/issues, I can't watch Bella after the first." Personal reaons/issues (I don't remember exactly how she worded it) made me think, "Oh okay, the Christian is having trouble watching a Pagan child of a Pagan mother." Financial reasons/issues makes me think, "Umm, as far as I knew, you weren't getting any $150 before I started paying you, so what's the fucking deal?"

So, I came home, had my ATP meeting, vented to them (lovely ladies, they are) and once MIL was off the phone, told her, briefly, what happened. Also told hubby what happened. We all agreed it was just a cop-out to not watch Bella anymore (she just didn't want to) so MIL will watch her during the interim of finding a new sitter (I think I know of one) and her getting another job (she left RE; they reprimanded her for using slang.. apparently saying "You're totally welcome," is slang.. she also forgot to sign out of ONE program and they reprimanded her for that.. she's still a new employee.. no "strike" system? Fuckers.).

Why is it so fucking hard to find a good sitter? I know I can't afford much but SHIT PEOPLE!! If $150 isn't going to be enough to cover any extra expenses you have, let me fucking know ahead of time! Also, if you just don't want to watch Bella anymore, just fucking tell me!!! Don't give me some fuckng roundabout reason why you "can't" watch her when you just don't "want" to watch her. I sent Heather a text message last night saying not to worry about the rest of the month, MIL is going to watch her (good for nothing sitter) until I find a new one. Besides, she gave me a list of days she couldn't watch Bella.. it's practically the rest of the fucking month ANYWAY. So, I'm stopping by her house after work today to drop off $40 (keep the change, sweetheart) and to pick up the never-watched Baby Einstein DVDs (which I paid about $100 for and they're never watched anymore). Maybe they'll be watched now after music videos are over, since there are some others now that Bella could watch, or at least listen to, now that she's older.

I kind of feel better. Thanks for listening.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Emails Between Sisters

Much of this has been posted here, as a normal blog. Finally told my sister about things last month.

I wrote:
November 18, 2007 - Still not sure what's going on inside my head. One day, I want to talk to somebody and the next, I think it's a dumb idea my sub-conscious came up with for attention. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do; I was so upset on Saturday (four of our friends Chris & Liz and Aaron & Cathy had cancelled [for legit reasons]). I had looked over those who hadn't responded and just lost it. I did two very nasty sounding bulletins on MySpace (that's how I got the word out to most everyone) after seeing that the majority of the folks I'd sent invitations to, hadn't even said Maybe (which I would have been fine with). That was the last straw; I promptly went upstairs, closed the door to my bedroom and sobbed. I know it was something minor but I feel that it really didn't help my state of mind, considering where it had been the previous days. When he [Patrick] didn't see me, he got the same feeling he did a few years ago, when he found me in a closet (in our place in IB). I'd gotten really depressed and didn't know what to do. So, I crawled into our closet, closed the door and cried myself to sleep. I knew he was a keeper when he found me and talked to me saying, "I'll stay up until 3am if I have to, to make sure you're okay. Start talking." Any previous relationships wouldn't have done that (except the one I was afraid of committing to; you never met him).


Bubbles wrote:
November 19, 2007 - I think you need to go see someone. It may not be post partum depression. maybe you're just depressed. It does run in the family, from Grandma down at least. I think it would help you a lot to talk to someone. Even if it is just to get things off your chest, and I don't think that person is anyone in the family. I wish I could help you. Love you.


I wrote:
November 19, 2007 - It seems so silly though (once I sit and think about it). I know it may be frustrating for you, hearing me go on and on, saying I want to go talk to somebody and then just change my mind the next day because I thought about it more.. thinking it's a stupid reason to talk to someone; or that I think I just may be blowing things out of proportion. I'm glad I recognized it now as opposed to being in denial about it for years. I wish you could help too. When I broke down a few years ago, most of it stemmed from issues I had with me, Mom and you. I got it off my chest with Patrick then; sometimes they resurface, but very rarely. I just don't want to be labeled in the category, you know? I'm also afraid that if/when I go (and I told Pat what I told you and he said that he'd drag me there if it comes down to it), and they give me meds, my drive will dwindle even more (I know you don't want to hear about that, but it's a fear I have). My drive is lacking enough as it is, I don't need something to make it worse. I really appreciate your support in this; it helps. A lot. Love you too.


Bubbles wrote:
November 19, 2007 - What issues did you have with me? And don't worry, if you really need to talk about something never forget that you're my sister. We're family, and you don't turn your back on family. My drive died last year, Jaden told me about it a couple of months ago.


I wrote:
November 19, 2007 - The issues, I guess, were mostly academically based. You were the rebel of the two of us, yet you got better grades, therefore shone brigther in front of Mom. I also felt kind of outcast because, without me in the picture, you guys were a "full" family and I barely even knew my own dad. I remember one time, we were in the kitchen (Utah) and we were bickering about something. Grandma Faye had sent us those gold heart necklaces for Christmas; mine was an outline and yours was solid. You told me that Grandma Faye loved you more because your heart was whole and mine wasn't. There was also that time in junior high school that I told you about the other day. I asked you if you knew where Mom was (it was after school, I think). You looked me straight in the eye and said she died in a car crash; you then walked off non-chalantly about the whole thing. I should have picked up on it then, but you know how naive I was then. And I'll admit, I still am a bit now. I always felt I was in your shadow. I was envious of you for a long time. The ONE time I decided to rebel, Mom popped off with (and I quote), "I don't need another 'Amber'!" At that time you were extremely rebellious; you and Tanya were hanging out a lot. I was also pissed off that you'd stolen, not one, but two of my friends. Granted, I had others, but Tanya and Jaz were my friends first. I asked them later why they started hanging out with you more and they both said, "She's more fun than you." Broke my heart to hear that; I didn't realize that I was so boring. I could never match you in anything. I felt you were Mom and Dad's "Golden Child" who could do no wrong, no matter how rebellious she got; she had good grades so it made up for everything. I felt they let you get away with just about everything you did, yet I got it a lot. Mom hit me once. She was yelling at me in the kitchen because I hadn't cleaned my room. I wasn't saying anything; my face was emotionless (as it normally got when I was yelled at; I'd get paralyzed from the neck down). She got more pissed so she punched me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. She then proceeded to punch a hole in the wall (near the thermostat), stormed to my room downstairs (still had the pink room) and ripped apart the first thing she saw; this happened to be my FAVORITE book (Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry). She replaced it years later but I never forgave her for it. I told her about it some time ago and I don't think she even remembered the events of that night. I don't think she remembers hitting me (close-fisted; it was a punch/hit not a smack or a slap). She had a look of horror on her face when I told her; at least, that's how I remember it. I know I wasn't the best kid but still... you don't punch your child, no matter how pissed off you get. If anything, you leave the room so as not to hurt your child. I also felt that you and Mom always had a better connection because you're both the "youngest" sibling. I realize that happens with just about any family, but at the time, it hurt pretty bad. I felt Mom favored you a lot; I'm pretty sure Dad did too. You were his; I wasn't. I needed his attention. I needed to know that he wanted me around instead of telling me that I was a "...fuck-up bum." I felt as though there was a lot of psychological abuse on his part. He's a big reason why I rarely ever had confidence in myself to do things. He already knew I was going to fail. When I was in "A" school, I was telling Mom about APP (or whatever it was) and getting Honors. When I was home on leave and didn't have anything to show for it (I actually barely came out with a rating.. I got a 70-something) he asked me where the hell was it. I know I've fucked up (a lot) the last several years; the car was the last straw. That was the incident that prompted the "...fuck-up bum." I don't think that man every had a single ounce of genuine confidence in me whatsoever. That was when my cutting was at its worst; I did about 30 in one night (this was after the accident). Though, come to find out later, that it was Mom's idea, not his, for me to leave the house. He wanted me to stay (something about he didn't think I was ready or something); Mom told me this a few years ago. I know he wasn't raised in a super home, but I would hope that he'd have picked up on something from Mom. I don't know. I realize that I don't know everything to do with his childhood, but I'd like to be able to understand. I still have confidence issues because of his lack of confidence in me. He told me once that he had to sit and THINK about asking me to help him with something (Utah), because he knew that I'd fuck it up somehow; this was when he was trying to run copper wiring from the basement to the roof. I was doing it how he showed me and it got kinked. He got pissed and said, "I knew I shouldn't have asked you to help me." How do you say that to a kid?! That was when he told me he had to think about getting me to help him. Oh! Yeah, that summer you and Bryan came out, when the accident happened and I started cutting... I tried crying out for help to Mom. The first time, I was watching a tv movie on USA called "Secret Cutters" and watching it very intently. Mom came in, said, "Well, this is depressing; let's watch something else." To which I said, "Fine," and went downstairs to watch it. Later, she saw the cuts on my arms. I didn't hear, "Oh my God what happened? Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" No, I heard, "Why are you doing that?" "I'm depressed and upset." "Oh, well, don't do it anymore." That's when I really gave up on her. She didn't see that I need help, her help, my Mother's help and support. You know who got me to stop cutting? My friends from the wedding. Bird, Kat, Midget, all of them. They were the support that I needed from Mom. The scars are still there and part of the reason I want half sleeve tattoos is to cover them up with better memories (tattoos for the kid[s]). That turned out to be longer than expected. I know you had your own issues from that time to deal with; I haven't really told too many people about mine. Patrick knows (obviously) and I mentioned a few things to Dee and a select few close friends.


Bubbles wrote:
November 20, 2007 - I didn't realize that it was that bad. I don't remember telling you mom had died. I guess neither one of us really enjoyed being a kid. You remember a lot more than I do. I don't remember mom hitting you in the chest, I thought it was across the back and she felt really bad about it afterwards and you were laying on your stomach on the couch with ice on your back. Maybe that was a different time. Trust me, I don't know my dad either. He never asked me for help with anything, he barely talked to me. He still barely talks to me. He said more to Jaden than to me the last time I saw him. I gave up on him when I think I was 12. He was putting in the sprinklers in the front yard and I tried to bond with him. He barely acknowledged I was there. Mom probably should have been on anti depressants when we lived in Utah, it would have made things a lot easier on everyone. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.

I wrote:
November 20, 2007 - I don't even remember her hitting me in the back. Wow. I never really thought it was that bad for either of us; since we've gotten older and had a chance to talk to each other more, I guess we've realized there was a helluva lot more going on with the other than we thought. It is good to get it out though. Pat still really hasn't talked to him much either. I mean, he could have at the rehearsal dinner, but he got stuck on the grill all night.And that was it.



I could have started cutting when I was going through all of that wonderful bullshit when we lived in Utah, yet I did not. I keep wondering why; it's not like anybody would have noticed then. Oh yeah, I've recently joined a group on CafeMom.com for Cutters (current and recovering) and posted in "parts" journals I'd posted in 2002 about when I did cut, to get my story out there. It felt a little better, though sometimes I feel like I am my own trigger sometimes.