Friday, November 30, 2007


I think I have arthritis. My fingers started hurting like crazy (the joints) 2-3 days before it rained [today]. I pop my fingers regularly and I'm sure that doesn't help much.

I can't wait for the day to end. I want to go home. I want to take a nap, too. Maybe before I leave work, I can take a cat nap.

Need to pay the baby sitter today.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

So Fearful

Now I know being a new mom, almost everything would seem to be blown out of proportion when it comes to your first child. I'd like to think I'm not one of those parents and that I'm realistic. Here's what got me thinking about it.

Yesterday, I picked up Belladonna early from the sitter. She had thrown up during her nap and wasn't going back down. She would also be fine one minute, crying the next. I noticed a runny nose dropping her off that morning; she was licking the snot from her upper lip! Ewww.. gross!

Anyway, I figured she just has a cold, so after getting home, gave her some Tylenol, a bottle and put her down to finish her nap (slept for about an hour and a half). The whole time she slept, I kept wondering, "Is she okay?" I wasn't going to take her to the hospital unless there was a temperature; the sitter did that and said there was none.

I was checking on Bella more often than normal yesterday. With it being cold season and nearing the end of the possibility of SIDS (I think; I could very well be wrong with that information), I was just paranoid as hell with her sleeping. I know she needed her rest, but I couldn't help it.
She's my world; I'd die if something happened to her. I don't even know if I'd be up for trying for another baby if something happened to her. I give props to those who have lost and have tried again for another. You are very strong women. I'm strong, but not that strong. I'd break down and not come back up, no matter how much my husband helped me. Devastation and sorrow; it's a long road back to a happy, cheerful world from there.

Bella's fine. Just a cold; nothing Tylenol and Vicks Baby Rub won't help. :) She's a bit more cuddly and willing to sit in your lap; at least, she was with me yesterday. I really like that. I love it when she's just sitting in my lap, playing with whichever toy she's got in her hand. Her giggle, the way her eyes light up when she smiles.. melt my heart. I can't imagine my life without her.. I won't.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Is It Really A Wonder?

A friend of mine left a comment on a recent blog saying that it's no wonder I haven't broken down yet. She said that I've been through a lot lately. This could be true (I'm not discrediting her) but I see it as me just living my life, dealing and handling what's been given to me.

I know that the people who count have the faith in me that I need. When I was in boot camp, I was being strong for all those girls who were away from their families for the first time. They'd cry and sob and cry some more, everyday wondering if they'd made the right choice. Every time, I was there, helping them through it. I'd been away from my family before (five months after graduation) and was just fine then. I didn't cry during those five months. I suppose, while in boot camp, when I thought it was safe, I broke down a bit and cried; I missed my mother and my friends. I was actually really fucking disappointed that they didn't write as often as they said they would. I even sent them STAMPS to write me! One of the girls sleeping near me, heard. She asked if I was okay; I think I said yes.

The last several years of my life are here on my blog. Is there anything you can see to explain all that I've been through? Maybe I have a shield over my eyes, because I can't see anything. There's a journal I had before this one, if anyone wants to peruse it, just to see..

Yup, that's me. Thoughts?

What Is It...

...about Christmas music that makes some depressed and sad?

I was listening to Bing Crosby this morning and The Carpenters, and started getting really sad. One would say, "Well, then don't listen to Christmas music if it gets you sad and stuff." Good point, but I seem to be a glutton for punishment, and pick up more and more Christmas music every year (so far, a favorite is NSYNC's Christmas album, followed by Mariah Carey and 98 Degrees [yup, they did one too] but Jewel not so much).

I digress.

Thanksgiving was nice yesterday. We picked up my buddy Mike (friend since 6th grade!) on the way to Amber's. There were two turkeys (a ten and a fifteen pounder) to be deep fried, a yummy carrot and Velveeta cheese casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, dinner rolls, cornbread muffins, sweet potato pie. Good stuff. They put out a good spread. :)

Bella wouldn't stop walking yesterday. It was too cool. She was getting into everything, but again, it was too cute. I could compare it to my walking Easter Sunday and not stopping. It's cool though because you'd hold her, put her on her feet, let go.. and she'd go walking. I'm so proud of my baby girl.

It's funny. I've been Pagan for several years now, yet still find great joy in listening to Christmas music (though the above would like you to believe otherwise). Even the secular music I enjoy ("O Holy Night" is still my favorite, as well as "Carol of the Bells").

If my voice were feeling better, I'd be hitting that same high note Mariah just hit. I know I can do it. If I can do the high notes in "Saving All My Love For You" by Whitney Houston, I can sure as hell do Mariah Carey. I can even do that high note in "Take On Me" by A-Ha.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I Miss It... maybe a symptom?

I know that I'm in no way ready for another one, as Bella is a big enough handfull, but I miss being pregnant. It was such a wonderful time in my life. I looked great, felt great (most of the time, anyway). I miss watching my belly grow with a baby in it. I miss feeling said baby moving around inside. There are at least five women I know of who are pregnant, and I think it's safe to say I'm kind of envious. I know those who read this may think, "Are you sure you don't want another one really soon?" The answer is yes. I don't want another baby until Bella can use the potty all by herself; I don't want two in diapers, if I can help it.

I say "symptom" in the title, because, well, I'm not feeling myself. I'm sure I've posted about it somewhere. I'll copy and paste.

Just needing a little help here deciphering some symptoms.. gradually building up over the last few weeks. You know how everyone has their mopey days and days of just feeling off? The last time I had it really bad was a few years ago (with hubby but before we got married); mild depressive state, I think. (runs in the family though.) Anyway, up until the last one or two, they could be signs of pregnancy. Unless I'm in that tiny percent, I know I'm not (though the last period was VERY light, lighter than normal).

I wonder if it’s depression or just what’s been going on the last few weeks (not just CM, but also the fires and whatnot). I made a list before leaving work yesterday…
-inability to focus at work
-frequent mood swings
-lack of sex drive
-feeling bored
-easily distracted
-just want to sleep/stay in bed all day
-sometimes feel like crying for no reason
-change in eating habits
-seemingly withdrawn and attempting to compensate (ie: inviting lots of people over)
-constant vertigo (the last few days)

Clarification, I'm in San Diego and we nearly had to evacuate from the fires. Didn't have to but we did anyway; we were very worried.

The stuff with CafeMom being all the hatred and religious debate from some of the Christians on the site to the Pagans, Atheists, Agnostics.. basically anyone who doesn't believe as they do. I've made posts of my own about it in my journal so I won't copy here. Just feeling very drained and exhausted no matter how much sleep I get (or how little). It's all the same. Yesterday I barely smiled and I smile a lot.

I've toyed with the idea of going to counseling and talking to someone but in my mind, this says, there really is something wrong with me. my sister has gone as well as my mother (who was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe depression). I really don't want it getting to that point.

Hmm.. okay. With the last period I had, I didn't even need to use a pad, liner or tampon, but I know I was on it. I get it the same week of every month (now) on Thursday or Friday; never a miss. Haven't taken a pregnancy test; kind of afraid to at this point. But, I'll wait until I don't see anything to be sure.

I will keep you posted as things arise. This vertigo sucks the most of all the symptoms. It doesn't happen when I drive though. I've tried eating something in the mornings and drinking more water again; still nothing. Oy. I've been taking caffeine pills some mornings; they didn't always do this though. Really, it's only been this week I've felt the vertigo.

Some days, I want to go and talk to a professional and get out all the issues I've got going on in my head. Other days, I don't because I've told my husband about them. He supports me in any decision I make. If I feel this is important to me [seeking pro help] then he'll support me in it.

I used to think it was post-partum, but Bella's nearly a year old; isn't it a little late for post-partum? There are many many instances when I'm driving and I'm only barely aware of what's going on. I'm not entirely focused on what I'm doing; half the time, Bella's in the car! I snap out of it in time for extreme traffic (lots of brake lights, etc.) but I'm afraid if the wrong people find out about that, things will go south, even when I try not to. A friend of mine wa exhibiting similar symptoms and a medical professional told her she had post-partum. This was several months ago and I felt for her; mostly, because I could definitely relate! What gets me is she's my old RDC (Recruit Division Commander; Navy's answer to the drill sergeant in boot camp). I looked up to her for so many reasons. We became friends after I left boot camp; she had her son about a month after Bella was born.

I'm just very confused.. like I said, I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill; when I verbalize some of the things I'm feeling, I feel silly, like I'm making them up for attention. I'm clearly not, but my mind likes to tell me otherwise.

I feel as though my walls are falling down (in the bad way) and I'm no longer strong. I'm no longer that strong person I know that I am. I feel as though I've been faking smiles and happy attitudes. You may hear a genuine laugh but it's been very difficult to really really enjoy myself. I see going to a therapist as me getting to the point where I've lost all control and strength and there is nothing to bring me back to happiness.

My family is supportive, for the most part. I won't go to my mother, for a few reasons. Reason one, but not the first to happen, being her own professional diagnosis. Reason two being when I needed her most, she did nothing. When I tried to call out to her, she turned a deaf ear. When she did find out, she scolded me for what I was doing to myself, instead of trying to find out why and helping me. This is one reason why I don't really hold much faith in my mother; my mother-in-law wouldn't do this. If she saw something was wrong or that I wasn't myself, things had changed with me so slightly, she'd want to know what was wrong. She wouldn't turn that deaf ear or scold me. My sister is supportive; I love her so much for that.

Belladonna, my baby who is becoming a toddler (*sniff*), makes my day every single day. Her smile, her giggle, her TEETH! Her eyes light up when she sees Mommy; she crawls so quickly to me when I pick her up from the baby sitter. Soon, she'll be walking quickly to the door and soon after that, she'll be running to the door for Mommy.

I feel the tears welling up inside. Don't know if there's any stopping them.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

On A Brighter Note ...

Belladonna took four steps night before last! Yay Baby Bella!!

All Apologies

This is largely taken from a journal I posted elsewhere. Comments are welcome at either location.

I do owe an apology, I think. In an attempt to open the minds of those who have theirs closed, I got heated and upset; mostly because they had no desire to open their minds and accept that not everything is bad or evil when concerning those not of their faith (Christianity, as a whole). I don't want to be saved and I don't need to heard the word. I was an Episcopalian for ten years. I know the word and know it well; I know it well enough to realize that it's not for me. If I've offended you, I do apologize, as it was not my intention. I don't like backing down from things now that I've grown a spine (it's taken years for this, mind you) and learned that I can voice my opinion. Had I done this several years ago, I would have cried the second someone told me off. Yet, I almost feel wrong apologizing. I voiced my opinion on things (which we're all entitled to) and when a blind ear and closed mind were turned, it just upset me more. Please, do not pray for me to find my way back to the herd, as I do not wish to return.

I am Pagan, and I'm proud to be one. I will not shove those beliefs down anyone's throat. If I'm asked what I believe, how to classify myself, I tell them, I'm Pagan, a Druidic Witch. I am very happy to be where I am. I'm sorry if you don't understand; there is nothing I can do to open your mind and be accepting of those different from you. I'm sorry you feel the need to pray for me. As I said before, please don't. There is no need to pray for me or family. There is no need to save me as I do not wish to be saved. Let me be, please.

Yes, I was rash about things in posts earlier this week. It was not my intention to come off the way I did. I feel as though I should apologize but at the same time, it feels odd to do it. I'm not ashamed of who and what I am. I proudly wear my pentacle necklace. I proudly display those things which symbolize my faith, as those Christians do by wearing their crosses, having their statues of the Virgin Mary (some Pagans feel this is another incarnation of the Goddess, but I digress), and Saints. This is all fine, there's nothing wrong with it. Just please... accept that we're different and leave it at that. Please refrain from telling us we're going to hell or that we're devil worshippers (we believe in neither). If you want to debate, do your research; chances are very good that the Pagans you're talking to were Christian at one point in time during their life, so they already know about Christianity. Before you debate, do some reading.

There was another journal post (aside from the below link) in which I loudly voiced my opinions. I believe it was Shanna's post-reply to the "Instead of Got Milk, Why Not Got Jesus?" post originally made on her page. The two women were mature in their replies and explanations to one another- I'll admit that I got carried away with it.

Here is the link which sparked this post.

No matter what anyone says, I'm not straying from where I am now. I've never been happier, in fact. I thought I was happy as an Episcopalian. I had a great time and I adored the people I knew. But I knew it wasn't the right place for me. The Universe had other intentions.

There were posts/comments that I made to one of the many "Golden Compass Not What It Seems" posts that may have been offensive to someone or another. I felt I had to atone (be the better person) and show that I'm not like one of those people who tries to tell people until she's blue in the face that Pagans aren't bad people because they don't go to church (we just have to be in nature and we're there), we don't pray (spell work and conversations with the Goddess), we aren't baptized, etc. I dunno.

I'm very strongly opinionated and have within the last few years, attained the testicular fortitude to voice those opinions.. sometimes without thinking about how it [negatively] affects others.

Below is the link to the "instead of 'got milk' how about 'got jesus'" journal that Shanna posted, and I replied to. There are nearly 200 replies though, so I don't know if you want to read all of that.

Here are some responses to the above journal.

"All minds should be open. At least yours is, and you shouldn't feel bad for expressing yourself. The evangelicals will say anything they can to make you doubt yourselves, and the true Christians will sit back and not say a word, as true Christians will do. I, myself, am atheistic or nontheistic, but still respect everyones' right to their beliefs, provided, they do as you say and not preach to me about things that I will never change my mind about."

"Tam, I always find your post well thought and well stated. I don't know what was said that you would owe an apology for, so I cannot say that you shouldn't apologize. I hope you realize that you only need to apologize for the wrong words you used, and not the feeling behind them. You should never apologize for your beliefs. Your beliefs are beautiful, peaceful and right for you.

I went back and read what you wrote and all I have to say now is: Wow, you think you need to apologize? You are a better man than I am, Gunga Din. I hope you got an apology in return!

BTW - Totally agree with you on the Golden Compass. I read the books and could not figure out where they "Killed God". I applaud you (and everyone else) who is out to fight this smear campaign. My sister was not going to let her boys see this because of this campaign. I was able to change her mind (they really wanted to see it). Hope you are able to open other minds!"

"I'm proud of you for the being the bigger person and apologizing, although, I too do not feel that it was necessary. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs...I, myself, no longer have a religion or belief. I was, at one time, baptised and accepted the "lord" as my savior, but I have strayed from those beliefs and found that having none suits my lifestyle better. I chose not to believe in anything because I do not want to be hypocritical. :) "

Thursday, November 08, 2007

yup kidneys

Grampa is going in for surgery on kidney stones tomorrow. My stepmom said he is in good spirits.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Death... moving on?

I didn't have this blog then, so those who do read this blog may have no idea.

In June 2004, my grandmother (favorite mind you) passed away. It hit hard and I still want to cry about it every now and again (particularly, that month). We really didn't expect my grandfather to live much longer after her passing, but he has. As I said to my mother this morning, "He's a stubborn, ol' coot." And he is. He is resiliant.

He's also in the hospital for his liver (I think; it may have been kidneys.. I think it's the kidneys). No idea how serious it is. My step-Mom sent an email to my Mom, in response to my mother's daily meditation emails, letting her know what's going on.

I don't know what to do. If he leaves us, I have no way to get back there. I want to bring Patrick and Belladonna with me. I want to see my grandmother again. The last time I really thought about her was April 2005; when Patrick and I got married. We received a card in the mail from Vicky (one of my dad's sisters) and in it she mentioned that "she" was watching over us on the day. I cried. I could read it again for several months.

I had no idea her death still affects me to this day. I may be crying throughout the day because of the pain I remember feeling. I'd say just send me home for the day, but I need the money for today's work.

If we were to hop on a plane mid-week of November 19, for instance, and stayed until Sunday, plus hotel, it would be $369/person, which isn't bad at all. But, I'm almost willing to bet my dad would have us staying at their house.

I really hope he hangs on a bit longer. I don't want to lose him so soon (it seems) after she passed away.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Almost Cried This Morning!

I dropped Bella off with a new sitter this morning. I'd met her before at a Mom's Night Out function. It was easier doing this when she was smaller. I was there with her for a couple of minutes, to let the sitter (who has a 14/15 month old of her own, little boy) know about Baby Bella and I brought in a few blankets from the car that smell like home. She was just fine playing with the balls that go with the Fisher-Price green dinosaur thing (you might know it if you saw it), and she started crawling around, exploring. I gave her lovin's and kisses, saying, "Being a good girl, Bella." I'd hate for her to not to be herself; she's such a happy baby! Triana, Alyssa, Narn and Shen can attest to this! It looked like she was having a good time. And then Mommy pulls away. Bella gets this confused look on her face; then it looks like she's going to cry, as if to say, "Mommy, where you going?!"

It was heartbreaking. Maybe we should have gone over there together a few times beforehand? But when would we have been able to do this? I kinda just waited until nearly the last minute to ask her to watch Bella. I thought it would be convenient, seeing as how she lives maybe five minutes from where I work (makes it easier to drop her off later and pick her up sooner from the sitter).

Granted, there's a lady who spoke up to watch Bella who lives in the neighborhood just next to mine. We'd be dropping off Bella a LOT earlier than just before 7am and picking her up after 4pm, at least. But, it's not what I want; it's what will work for the sitter. We're giving this week a trial run. I do hope it works, but I'm not going to pressure her about it.

Hopefully, Bella will get used to it again; she hasn't really had a sitter other than Gramma since May. The sitter and I can keep in touch via CafeMom and she also has my cell number now.
Today is going to be hard.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Grades Thus Far...

I took my second-to-last test for my Principles of Business Management class (not counting the course survey) yesterday. Tallied them up and my overall grade so far in this class is a 77.2%. Introduction to Marketing is 78%. Overall, it looks like I have a high C for both classes. The next one is College Algebra... not so sure about that one. I'll take as long as I need to for that class; I can't continue on until that course is completed as it's a pre-requisite for the class after it.

Triana and Alyssa came down from Long Beach today. Alyssa wants to get her dress blues uniform together for the holiday next Sunday. Patrick took them down there, so I'm home with the kids for time being. When they get back, he and Jeffrey will go up to Victorville so Jeffrey can go home. While they're gone, I guess Alyssa and Triana were wanting to take me out to dinner. This is super! Patrick just needs to put Bella's car seat in Alyssa's car, since I'm not sure how he put it in my car.

Really not much going on. Ron's in town, so Mom isn't going to be here for about a week, meaning we get to take care of Angel. She doesn't have much dry food left and it's available by prescription only. I don't think we can just go to the store and pick up a bag. Hopefully with this new job she got, she can get some more. Not sure what we'll do for her otherwise.