Session #5
Tonight's session was okay. At first, it was figuring out insurance information. There was a mix-up with the claim.
She was having a really hard time figuring out the relation of who I was back then (5+ years ago) and who I am now and how I'm the same person. I'm making rational, logical thoughts; actually thinking things through before acting on them. Then again, I've nearly always been like this, which is why I never got into fights in school. It seems as though she was a bit confused with it. She touched on the cutting again (when she was trying to figure out how my current self was that self) and asked me what I'd do if Belladonna was doing it. I broke it down for her. I'd tell her of my experience with it, ask her what the catalyst(s) are and actively listen to every word she'd say. These are all things my mother didn't do.
We also touched on violence growing up and how it's "acted upon" in our home (when it comes to discipline). I got Bella once when she was teething; I was holding her on my chest and she bit my shoulder. It hurt. Impulsive reaction was my hand (there's no "good way" of putting this) slapping her back. My husband looked at me and said, "That was uncalled for." I handed him Bella and I cried. Hard. Since then, I haven't done it as I refuse, REFUSE to be my mother. Since then, she's gotten a swat on the diaper (the sound more than anything scares her) or a flick/smack on her hand when she's repeatedly told, "No" as we take her [hand] away from wherever she's getting to. The therapist said that it's good that I'm aware of what I don't want to be and do. She said it's the first step, being aware.
I told her of my childhood violence. It wasn't like handguns and the like; more like spankings. Mom and Dad both had heavy hands. I remember a time when my mother straight up punched me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. She'd been yelling at me because I hadn't cleaned my room when she wanted me to. Once I was on the floor [of the ktichen where she'd been yelling at me] she stormed downstairs and ripped up the first thing she saw on my floor. Thsi happened to be my favorite book (Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry by Mildred D. Taylor). She replaced it about ten years later.
There's more but my fingers are tired. =/ Overall, not a bad session.
She was having a really hard time figuring out the relation of who I was back then (5+ years ago) and who I am now and how I'm the same person. I'm making rational, logical thoughts; actually thinking things through before acting on them. Then again, I've nearly always been like this, which is why I never got into fights in school. It seems as though she was a bit confused with it. She touched on the cutting again (when she was trying to figure out how my current self was that self) and asked me what I'd do if Belladonna was doing it. I broke it down for her. I'd tell her of my experience with it, ask her what the catalyst(s) are and actively listen to every word she'd say. These are all things my mother didn't do.
We also touched on violence growing up and how it's "acted upon" in our home (when it comes to discipline). I got Bella once when she was teething; I was holding her on my chest and she bit my shoulder. It hurt. Impulsive reaction was my hand (there's no "good way" of putting this) slapping her back. My husband looked at me and said, "That was uncalled for." I handed him Bella and I cried. Hard. Since then, I haven't done it as I refuse, REFUSE to be my mother. Since then, she's gotten a swat on the diaper (the sound more than anything scares her) or a flick/smack on her hand when she's repeatedly told, "No" as we take her [hand] away from wherever she's getting to. The therapist said that it's good that I'm aware of what I don't want to be and do. She said it's the first step, being aware.
I told her of my childhood violence. It wasn't like handguns and the like; more like spankings. Mom and Dad both had heavy hands. I remember a time when my mother straight up punched me in the chest, knocking the wind out of me. She'd been yelling at me because I hadn't cleaned my room when she wanted me to. Once I was on the floor [of the ktichen where she'd been yelling at me] she stormed downstairs and ripped up the first thing she saw on my floor. Thsi happened to be my favorite book (Roll of Thunder Hear my Cry by Mildred D. Taylor). She replaced it about ten years later.
There's more but my fingers are tired. =/ Overall, not a bad session.
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