My First Love...
My first love was Ryan James McCarthy. We met in the 8th grade and really hit it off. He was quite a bit shorter than me, so it made things a little awkward. Then again, 8th grade was awkward. We met through a mutual friend, Mike Falkner, and it was the three of us all the time. Just me and the boys.
I don't know when we realized it, but we hooked up before Valentine's Day. We were together off and on from 8th grade thru 10th grade (the year he moved away). I pined for him, but my interests were also on a guy a grade below me (but a year older than me and TALLER). Pete Coleman and I were really good friends. In fact, we still talk.
I met up with my first love again after I graduated high school. I was living with my best friend, Tanya Collins, in Ventura, California and Ryan was going to the University of Idaho in Moscow, Idaho. He paid for a bus ticket for me to visit him for eight days around his birthday and Halloween. It was the best eight days of my life at that point. I was barely 18 years old (he'd just turned 18 a week before Halloween) and we'd lost our virginity to each other. It was sweet, really. We were both so awkward again.
Now, I'm 30 years old; he's still 29. He's married to the girl he moved onto after me (this whole process was long for me and nerve wracking; this was when I started smoking a lot and cutting) and they have two beautiful little girls. Their oldest daughter is about ten days or so younger than my Belladonna.
I think from time to time how things could have changed, how they could have been different. Sometimes, I wonder this with the other main interest in my life before meeting my husband. The one I could have had, but never got the chance. I remember telling Pete's girlfriend at a New Year's party that I still really liked him and still wanted him for me. He told me years later that he thought it was cool. I mean, me telling his current girlfriend that I had feelings for him to her face.
I play the "what if" game. Where would I be if Ryan and I actually stuck it out? I learned later that you NEVER marry your first; you spend the rest of your life wondering what it would be like with someone else. Where would I be if Pete and I actually hooked up my senior year? What if condoms broke with other boyfriends? It's truly a miracle that I don't have any STDs. Not everyone I slept with was protected.
In any case, I'm happy where I am. I am happy with my husband, Patrick, my daughter, Belladonna. I'm happy to have the extended family on his side.
I guess that's it for this entry. I may find another older entry from many years ago on a different online journal website that details it more. If anyone wants to know, really, how things were going when Ryan finally ended things with me and what it did to my psyche, I'll search for those lost entries and post them here. Just leave a comment. Thanks for reading!
I don't know when we realized it, but we hooked up before Valentine's Day. We were together off and on from 8th grade thru 10th grade (the year he moved away). I pined for him, but my interests were also on a guy a grade below me (but a year older than me and TALLER). Pete Coleman and I were really good friends. In fact, we still talk.
I met up with my first love again after I graduated high school. I was living with my best friend, Tanya Collins, in Ventura, California and Ryan was going to the University of Idaho in Moscow, Idaho. He paid for a bus ticket for me to visit him for eight days around his birthday and Halloween. It was the best eight days of my life at that point. I was barely 18 years old (he'd just turned 18 a week before Halloween) and we'd lost our virginity to each other. It was sweet, really. We were both so awkward again.
Now, I'm 30 years old; he's still 29. He's married to the girl he moved onto after me (this whole process was long for me and nerve wracking; this was when I started smoking a lot and cutting) and they have two beautiful little girls. Their oldest daughter is about ten days or so younger than my Belladonna.
I think from time to time how things could have changed, how they could have been different. Sometimes, I wonder this with the other main interest in my life before meeting my husband. The one I could have had, but never got the chance. I remember telling Pete's girlfriend at a New Year's party that I still really liked him and still wanted him for me. He told me years later that he thought it was cool. I mean, me telling his current girlfriend that I had feelings for him to her face.
I play the "what if" game. Where would I be if Ryan and I actually stuck it out? I learned later that you NEVER marry your first; you spend the rest of your life wondering what it would be like with someone else. Where would I be if Pete and I actually hooked up my senior year? What if condoms broke with other boyfriends? It's truly a miracle that I don't have any STDs. Not everyone I slept with was protected.
In any case, I'm happy where I am. I am happy with my husband, Patrick, my daughter, Belladonna. I'm happy to have the extended family on his side.
I guess that's it for this entry. I may find another older entry from many years ago on a different online journal website that details it more. If anyone wants to know, really, how things were going when Ryan finally ended things with me and what it did to my psyche, I'll search for those lost entries and post them here. Just leave a comment. Thanks for reading!
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